Broken Roads
by sprtzgal1213
Summary: Sequel to 'Coming Home', takes place about 15-16 months later. Life had been good for Emily and Alison when Jessica Catherine DiLaurentis-Fields was born. What did the months following have in store for them? Would Alison and Emily be able to survive the big changes in their lives?
1. A New Normal

**A/N: Hi everyone! I'm back! So I'm not going to lie, I missed you communicating and sharing with you guys, so I've decided to share this story with you earlier than I originally planned. This story takes place about 15-16 months after 'Coming Home' ended and Jessica is about 20 months old. I am super excited to get this out to you guys. Please, please, please let me know what you guys all think of this first chapter! I'll see you guys at the bottom!**

Alison sat blankly at her desk, staring down at the papers in front of her, but seeing only black ink blots on the white background. The only sounds heard in the room are the scratching of pens across paper, with intermittent coughing and clearing of 17-year-old throats. The ticking of the clock brought Alison out of her trance and she looked up at it and sighed. _Only one more period_ , she thought to herself. This period had only a few minutes left, before her last of the day. A little over one hour and she would be out of this place, on her way to pick up Jessica from day care before heading home.

"Five minutes left until the end of the period. When you are done with your essays, sit quietly until the bell rings and turn them into my desk on your way out." No one even looked up at her. _I talk, no one listens. Typical,_ she huffed to herself. She sat back in her chair and wondered where the hell her life went so wrong. _Did it all start with Elliott?_ _No, because without him, I never would have had Jessica._ She really was the only bright spot in her life at the moment. That little girl with the bright blue eyes and dark, loose curls was the only thing that seemed to keep her going each day. Watching the little girl grow up right before her eyes was amazing. From taking her first steps, to her first haircut and now to her talking, Alison never got tired of the love that spread throughout her body when she thought about her precious baby girl. She was in awe everyday just watching her learn and grow. She was even beginning to learn how to use her infamous "DiLaurentis smirk" to get anything she wanted from her mommy. Jessica brought so much joy to Alison's life that she didn't even remember what life was like before she became a mom. It's like that time in her life never existed. She honestly didn't know what she would have done these past eight months without Jessica with her.

Alison's mouth pulled down in the corners with just the _thought_ of what she's been through the past eight months. If you had asked Alison two years ago where her life would be now, _this_ is _never_ how she thought it would be. Once Emily came back into her life, she thought that she could have a new beginning. She thought that her life was _finally_ starting to turn around and she could be happy again. She had fallen so hard, so quickly for Emily that she never imagined life without her in it. Emily had swooped in when she was at her lowest and had _fixed_ her. She said all the right things and knew just how to handle her to put her heart back together. She never thought that after Elliott she would find someone to love again who actually loved her back. But she _did_. Emily had shown her that she was loveable and _deserved_ happiness. When Alison had found out that she was pregnant, Emily stuck by her every step of the way, even taking a step _back_ to allow Alison time to think about what she really wanted in her life. And it was in that moment, that deep down, Alison knew it was Emily who she wanted to raise her baby with. Be a _family_ with. Throughout her entire pregnancy, Emily was there for her, showing her how special and beautiful she was, inside and out. There was never once that Alison doubted Emily's love for her. And she still didn't, not even to that very day.

Alison jumped slightly in her chair as the bell rang and students began to shuffle past her, placing their essays down on the desk before heading out the door. Once everyone was gone, she collected the in-class essays on the book they were supposed to have read over winter break and put them under her stack that she had attempted to grade last period, but her thoughts got in the way of her doing so. She sat back in her chair and ran her fingers through her hair, trying to clear her head of all the thoughts running through her head. She pulled out a fresh stack of essay books and placed it down on the desk. A new set of students began to file in and Alison gave them all a tight-lipped smile.

"Grab an essay book on your way by. I hope you all read ' _Great Expectations'_ like you were supposed to. Your essay question of Pip's growth throughout the novel and what I expect in your essay are on the board behind me. When you are finished, sit quietly and wait for the bell to ring for dismissal. You can turn your essays in as you leave." Alison's students got to work as soon as they sat down, plummeting her classroom into silence once again. She glanced over in the corner of her desk and smiled as she looked over at the reminder sitting there.

 _Alison slowly pulled back the green and red wrapping paper and gasped in shock. She took the book and turned it over in her hands, not believing what she was holding in her possession. "Em…" was all Alison's brain would allow her to speak._

 _"I know your copy was getting a little worn. And I think that day in the teacher's lounge was a turning point for us, so I thought you could always think of me when you saw it." Emily was suddenly feeling very shy. She watched Alison turn the book over in her hands, gently paging through the aging sheets of paper between the spine. When Emily first got the idea in her head of getting her another copy of_ Great Expectations _, she knew it needed to be something_ special _. She scoured the internet for days, trying to find a first edition copy of the book, and eventually found one in a small bookstore a few towns over in Ravenswood. "Do you like it?"_

 _Alison looked into beautiful brown eyes and her heart melted. She couldn't believe that the woman sitting across from her would do something like this for her. To get her something so special and hard to find. "A first edition? Em, how did you even_ find _this?"_

Emily's gift from their first Christmas together was always with her, no matter where she went. To Alison, it was a constant reminder of what she and Emily had shared together. When she had the book with her, she felt like Emily was there too. Alison forced her gaze away from the book, knowing she would zone out for the entire period if she didn't, and forced herself to buckle down and grade at _least_ ten essays during this class, so she would have more time to spend with Jessica later on. She picked up a red pen and the top essay book, folded the first page over and began reading.

~XXXXX~

Alison pulled her car up out front of _The Gingerbread House_ child care center and made her way quickly inside. After being buzzed through the front doors, she was greeted by the receptionist. "Good afternoon Ms. DiLaurentis. How are you?" The young woman behind the desk gave Alison a warm smile. Alison had only known her and another older woman as the friendly receptionists here at the center. Both had extremely warm and inviting smiles. She and Emily had both fallen in love with this day care center when they had first come here when Jessica was a few months old to check it out before school started back up for the year and they needed someplace to watch Jessica daily.

 _"_ _Em, we don't have to do this today if you don't want to." Alison's voice was soft. Emily had barely said two words to her on the ride over, but Alison knew that Emily was dealing with a lot at the moment. The adoption had just gone through last week, so it had been a week since Pam's collapse. A week that Emily spent running herself ragged taking care of Alison and the house while also spending as much time as possible each day at the hospital by Pam's side. She also knew that she_ herself _wasn't the easiest person to be around right now._

 _Emily snapped her head around. "No, Alison, I don't_ want _to do this today, but we_ have _to. It's not like my mom can take Jessica during the day or anything. If we are both going to be going back to work, we need to find someplace to take her." Emily turned away from her before mumbling to herself, "you'd rather be in bed anyway."_

 _Luckily, Alison didn't hear her because they would have had a blow-out fight right in the parking lot of their daughter's potential care giver. Both women walked through the door with fake smiles plastered on their faces. Neither one of them wanted to do this, but they had to be responsible._

 _"_ _Welcome to the Gingerbread House Child Care Center. How may I help you today?" The woman behind the desk looked to be in her mid-twenties with a very welcoming smile._

 _Alison cleared her throat before speaking, sensing that Emily was too lost in her own thoughts to be much help in this right now. And honestly, Alison couldn't blame her, but still the blonde's mind told her that Emily should be just as invested in this as she had to be. That thought made Alison want to seethe. But she knew she just needed to get through this, then she could go seethe under the blankets of their bed while Emily spent yet_ another _night at the hospital. "Hi, we have an appointment scheduled for a walk-through. Our daughter, Jessica is four and a half months and we're both teachers…" Alison waved her finger between herself and Emily. "So we need to find someplace before the school year starts back up," Alison finished with a smile as Emily stood stiff next to her._

 _"_ _Ah yes! I see it here. Ms. Fields and Ms. DiLaurentis, correct?"_

 _"_ _Yes, that's correct. I'm Alison DiLaurentis, and this is Emily Fields." This time, Emily gave a polite smile and a slight head nod, but still hadn't spoken one word since entering the building._

 _"_ _Nice to meet you both, I'll let Mrs. Masters know that you both are here and then she can show you around. Have a seat and make yourself comfortable." The young woman motioned over to the chairs along the large front windows overlooking the parking lot as Alison and Emily made themselves comfortable and waited in silence._

Emily's attitude had thawed a little ways into the tour, seeing all the kids running around playing and looking into the different classrooms. By the time they had made it to the under one year old room, Alison noticed an actual smile on Emily's face while she was looking at the infants being held, sitting on the floor playing or crawling around. They signed the paperwork right then and there, knowing that their search was complete. Jessica had loved every day since.

Alison's smile spread across her face as the door to the younger toddler room opened and Jessica came running out all bundled up in her hat and winter jacket. Alison bent down and scooped the one and a half year old into her arms. "Hi baby girl! Mommy missed you so much!" she exclaimed while she hugged Jessica tightly and pressed kisses into the little girl's chubby cheeks. "Were you a good girl today?"

"She was! She ate all of her lunch today, _even_ her vegetables," her teacher, Ms. Marisa said as she followed behind Jessica. "She even drew you a picture, it's in her backpack."

Alison's eyebrows shot up in exaggerated shock. "You did?!" Jessica smiled proudly and nodded her head 'yes' before nuzzling into the side of Alison's neck. "What do you say baby girl? Want to head home to play?"

Jessica's head shot up and she put her arms over her head. "Pway!" she said excitedly. Alison put Jessica down and they walked out of the center hand in hand before climbing into Alison's car and heading home.

~XXXXX~

Jessica was asleep in the back seat by the time they got home. She usually didn't nap while she was at the day care because there was always too much going on and she was the type of little girl who never wanted to miss out on anything. So she usually always fell asleep on the car ride home, even if it was only about 15 minutes. Alison smiled at how peaceful the little girl looked. She carefully got the toddler out of her car seat and took her inside before setting her down on the couch gently and putting a blanket over her. She moved the ottoman next to her in case Jessica turned in her sleep, which she usually didn't, and then headed into the kitchen to start dinner. This was their normal afterschool routine. When Alison put her down on the couch, she would usually sleep for another half hour to forty-five minutes, so Alison would take the opportunity to prep dinner so she wouldn't feel bad neglecting the tiny brunette later on.

Alison was just finishing up her mise en place when she heard the pitter patter of little feet come into the kitchen. Jessica was dragging her blanket behind her rubbing her eyes. She looked up at Alison before stretching her arms out in front of her. "Uppy," she said in a groggy voice. Alison smiled and picked up the little girl, who wrapped her tiny arms around her neck. She gently rubbed up and down her back while bouncing up and down. This continued for about thirty seconds before Jessica decided she had enough snuggling and tried to wiggle out of her mother's arms. "Cuppy," she said while extended a hand to where her sippy cups were in the cabinet.

"Do you want water or milk, baby?" Alison asked.

"Wawa," Jessica replied after a moment's hesitation, tapping her foot on the floor with her tiny, pudgy finger on the side of her head as if it was one of her toughest decisions of her day.

Alison chuckled at the little brunette's burgeoning personality as she began filling the cup with water before handing it back to Jessica. The little girl turned on her heel and headed back into the living room. Alison remembered back to the day that she was born. She couldn't believe how quickly her little girl had grown up. She never really believed people when they said that it would fly by, but it truly had. Staring down at the blue-eyed, dark haired little girl, Alison wondered just where that little six pound baby went. She still thought back on that day often, how happy she and Emily had been. How much they had fallen in love with Jessica at first sight, and how much deeper they had fallen in love with each other. Alison smiled weakly to herself when she remembered back to Emily's surprise of the adoption papers and the words that she had spoken with them.

 _"I want nothing more than to make our family official. I promise you that I will be there for you every step of the way. For her first word, her first steps, her first haircut, her first boyfriend or girlfriend, her first heartbreak, her graduation, her wedding. For everything. I promise that I will provide for you and protect you both, forever."_

A tear slipped down Alison's cheek as her heart broke _yet again_ thinking back on those words. She had believed in those words that Emily spoke. She had been absolutely convinced that they would always be together. But Emily broke her promise eight months ago. She had missed Jessica's first word _and_ her first steps. Emily had _promised_ that she would always be there for the two of them, but she hadn't been since Jessica's first birthday.

"Mommy?" The tiny voice brought Alison back to reality and she sniffled and quickly wiped the tears from her reddened cheeks. Jessica had come back into the room with a book in her hands. "Wead?" she said as she held the book up, her eyes showing concern that her mommy looked so sad.

Alison plastered on her best smile as she picked Jessica up and headed into the living room. "Sure, baby girl. Let's go read."

~XXXXX~

After reading, Alison cooked dinner for the two of them and then gave Jessica a bath. As was their nightly ritual, Alison allowed Jessica to go pick out a book to read before bedtime. After finishing Jessica's favorite book _'I Love You, Stinky Face'_ , which Alison had memorized for how often she read it, she put Jessica down in her crib. She smiled down at the young girl and gave her a kiss to the forehead. "Goodnight, baby girl," Alison cooed at her softly.

"Ni', Momma," Jessica said as she reached out toward the picture of Emily sitting on the small table next to the crib. Alison sighed as she picked up the picture and handed it to Jessica. Tears welled in Alison's eyes, as they did every night, watching her daughter place a gentle kiss to the picture of her brunette mother before gently squeezing the picture frame into a hug. She blinked them away before taking the picture from her daughter's arms and placing it back on the small table.

"Alight, it's time to lie down and go to sleep now, sweetheart. Mommy and Momma love you very much." Alison covered the girl with a blanket and smiled as Jessica's eyes were already closing. She switched on the nightlight before turning off the overhead light and heading down into the kitchen.

Alison glanced at the clock and saw that it was a little before 8 p.m. She always hated this time of night. The house always felt the coldest and emptiest at this time. She would usually just sit with her thoughts and a glass of wine. Alison knew that she probably shouldn't drink while on her medication, but she always figured that one glass to unwind while she graded papers wouldn't hurt her. And tonight, she had a massive pile of papers, so she poured herself an extra measure of wine before making her way to the couch and making herself comfortable. She dug into her bag and grabbed the essay books, pulled the throw off the back of the couch and grabbed her papers and a red pen and began reading. It was a little before 10 pm before she decided to call it quits. She had made quite a dent in the essays and only had a handful left to grade, which she could do during her free period the next day. She made sure the house was locked up before climbing the stairs and beginning her nightly bedtime routine.

This was her new normal now. Every morning at 6, she would wake up, take her medication, and go for a jog while Spencer came and sat with the baby before getting herself ready and dressing and feeding Jessica. Then, she would drop her off at the child center, go mold the young minds of the next generation and then go pick Jessica back up. They would then make their way home, Alison would cook dinner, they would have some mommy-daughter time, and then Alison would have a glass of wine and grade papers in silence until she was ready for bed. Each night, she would find one of Emily's RHS Sharks tee shirts and throw it on before climbing into bed, snuggling Emily's pillow in tight to her body. If she concentrated really hard, she could still smell the brunette on her pillow. Most nights, tears flowed down her cheeks until she finally drifted off to sleep.

 **A/N 2: Well, there it is, so please let me know what you think! As I warned at the end of 'Coming Home', this is full of angst, but I promise, everything will all work out, it's just going to be a long, hard, broken road to get there. I do have 9 chapters written so far, and for the time being, I'm only going to update when I have another chapter written, just in case I decide to go in another direction at some point in time. Have a great day everyone! See you soon!**


	2. Forgiving Yourself

**A/N: Hey guys! I have to admit, I was** **overwhelmed** **by the response that the first chapter got! The fact that so many of you took took the time to read this and give me your thoughts and opinions really means the world to me. Every new comment made me smile, so thank you all for that. I'm also glad to see that some of you guys are still with me. I know I said that I was only going to update when I wrote a new chapter, but I thought you guys should get a reward for the awesome response so far. This next chapter deals with Emily and where she has been. I hope you guys like it. Again, thank you for taking the time to read this! See you at the bottom!**

"Emily, how are you feeling today?"

Emily sat in the black leather chair and looked across at the doctor in front of her. In the eight months that she had known him, she had gone from absolutely _hating_ him to completely _admiring_ him. He had helped her through so much. He had pushed her to confront things that she never wanted to confront. Things she didn't even _know_ she needed to confront. At first, she was extremely closed off to the whole process, the anger she felt within her soul consuming her. When she first started her one-on-one sessions, she did everything in her power to _not_ trust in the process and let it work.

 _The_ tick, tock, tick, tock _of the wall mounted clock was slowly driving her insane. That was the only sound in the room. She sat across from the doctor, with his pen and pad, waiting for her to begin the session. But Emily didn't want to talk. She didn't_ want _to be here, but her life had spiraled so out of control that she didn't know what else to do. She had held so much anger and resentment towards Alison that it had all spilled over and now her life was a complete mess. And she blamed it all on Alison._ Alison _was the one who hadn't appreciated everything that Emily did for her and Jessica._ Alison _was the one who laid in bed all day while Emily cared for Jessica, cooked and took care of the house._ Alison _was the one who completely shut herself off to the brunette. It was_ Alison's _fault that Emily had to make the gut wrenching decision to take her mother off of life support. Emily wasn't_ ready _to make that decision, but she felt forced into it. All because Alison couldn't take care of herself, let alone an infant._

 _Emily felt hot, angry tears welling up in her eyes, but she turned her head so the doctor couldn't see. She just wanted a drink at that moment to dull the pain. She wanted to feel the burning of the liquor hit the back of her throat and fill her with warmth. She was so angry that she felt like she couldn't grieve for her mother, because she needed to be strong for Jessica, and for Alison. She felt like the world would crumble along with her if she did. So she pushed everything down inside, until one night about a month later, she found herself sitting at a bar, drinking three fingers of scotch and feeling the amber liquid warm the coldness that she had been feeling within her soul. She just wanted to feel that_ warmth _again. But no, because of Alison, she was sitting here, in this squeaky leather chair in a stuffy office staring across from some man she didn't even know and was supposed to be talking about her "_ feelings" _. She laughed to herself, thinking back to all those months ago on that bus ride when she and Alison had their first night together. She remembered how Alison had made her feel alive again. Now all she wanted to do was_ not _feel._ Fuck all of this, I need a fucking drink, _Emily thought in her head as she watched the clock for their hour to be up._

But in only a few short weeks, he had helped her dispel that anger. He had helped her to _let go_ of the things in the past that were weighing on Emily's soul. He made her see that she had been bottling up her feelings for _much_ longer than she had even realized. He made her see that she was displacing all of her anger onto Alison, the woman that she loved more than anything in the world. He made her see that what the blonde was going through wasn't Alison's fault. He explained to Emily that women who have a history of depression and anxiety are much more likely to suffer from Post-partum Depression.

 _"_ _But Alison doesn't have a history of depression…" Emily looked at the doctor, confused because she had never known Alison to be truly depressed before. She had seen her feel bad for her past and get upset for how much she hurt Emily and everyone else in her past. She had seen her in a state of shock after the accident when they had found out Elliott had purposely caused it. But Emily had never seen her like she had in the months following her giving birth._

 _"_ _From everything you've told me about her, I beg to differ. I believe she has a long history of depression, along with an anxiety disorder." Dr. Leonard uncrossed his legs and placed his pen and pad down on the table next to his chair. He leaned forward slightly and stared straight into Emily's eyes. "That night of your first date in Philly? That was a panic attack, triggered by the anxiety of her feeling like she wasn't good enough for you. That time when she went silent for two days following the accident? That was a bout of deep depression brought on by the fact that she thought you were in danger by her being in your life. She loved you so much, that she would have much rather have lived without you to make sure you were safe. That thought of losing you was too much for her. Outside of that courthouse, when she told you that she felt like she was drowning in quick sand? That's very common for people who have anxiety. They feel like they can't breathe if they struggle too much, so they attempt to shut off and shut down, as a defense mechanism."_

 _Dr. Leonard leaned back in his chair and let his words sink into Emily's head. The brunette sat there, letting the words slowly wash over her. Suddenly, she felt nothing but pain and regret deep within her soul. "What have I done?" she asked, more so to herself than the doctor. She felt her eyes well up with tears at the hell that she caused Alison, at all the anger she had been spitting at her, and all the blame she placed on the blonde regarding Pam. "She's never going to forgive me." Emily covered her face with her hands and sobbed into them. By the time she was finally done crying, their session was up and Emily left there feeling worse than when she came in. She went back to her room and cried more tears than she ever thought possible. The thought of losing Alison and her daughter caused her unbelievable pain. She eventually cried herself to sleep, but when she woke up, she felt just a_ tiny _bit lighter. She vowed from that day forward to do anything in her power to earn Alison's forgiveness and gain the blonde's trust once again._

"Honestly, I'm feeling nervous today." Emily was playing with her fingers, wringing them and pulling on them, which was a nervous habit she picked up while she had been here the past few months.

"I can imagine you would be. It can be hard to readjust to life outside of here. In here, you're in a bubble, those things that trigger you aren't thrown in your face all the time." Dr. Leonard leaned back in his seat, waiting for Emily to continue. When she sat there in silence, he leaned forward, the leather squeaking as he shifted his weight in his chair. "Have you talked to Alison? Does she know that you're leaving here?"

Emily looked down at her hands fidgeting in her lap. "No."

"Why not?" Dr. Leonard asked, trying to make his tone sound curious, but Emily knew that he already knew the answer to his own question. They had been through this numerous times during their countless sessions.

"I don't know what to say to her." It was true. As much as Emily wanted to talk to Alison and earn her forgiveness, she didn't know where to start. She was so overcome by guilt each time that she thought about Alison that she felt her chest start to constrict and the air wherever she was always seemed to shoot to 100 degrees.

"We've rehearsed this, Emily. We've been through all the scenarios that she could give you and how you are going to handle each one."

Emily continued to stare at her hands and her voice came out timid. "But what if I'm not strong enough? What if she doesn't forgive me and won't let me see Jessica? I don't know if I'll be able to stop myself from walking straight to the first bar I see and drinking myself into oblivion."

Dr. Leonard reached forward and placed a reassuring hand on Emily's knee. "Then you _call_ me. Day or night." Emily gave him a halfhearted smile. Dr. Leonard decided to change the subject off of Alison. "Do you know where you are going to be staying when you get back to Rosewood?"

"Yeah, one of my best friends, Hanna, she said that I can stay with her for a little while until I can get on my feet. She'll kick my ass if I step out of line. I'm sure she'll probably kick my ass anyway for the things I did before I left." Emily thought back to the last time she saw Hanna and she shuddered. She wasn't sure exactly _why_ Hanna was allowing her to stay with her and Caleb, but she knew that she would be forever grateful to her blonde best friend. She also knew that Hanna would definitely keep her in line.

"Emily, listen to me." Dr. Leonard paused until Emily finally made eye contact with him. "You _need_ to forgive yourself for what you did. Just like you forgave Alison once you realized that her behavior wasn't under her own control. You need to realize that addiction is a _disease_ , meaning we can't control it. We can control it by staying away from it, but once it's in our systems, it makes us do things that we _don't_ have control over. The Emily that is sitting here in front of me, the _healthy_ Emily, would have never acted that way at her daughter's birthday party. If you can't find a way to move past that and forgive yourself, I'm afraid you're going to end up right back here. And as much as I've loved seeing you grow these past eight months, you were a real _pain in the ass_ when you first got here." Dr. Leonard smiled a crooked smile at Emily as she just laughed at her behavior when she first got to the treatment facility. "I don't want to deal with _that_ Emily again."

"Yeah, I don't want to be _that_ Emily again, either." Emily smiled an appreciative smile at Dr. Leonard. He really had grown on her so much that she even considered him to be a friend, now. _I guess seeing someone almost every day for eight months will have that effect on you_ , Emily chuckled to herself. She really was going to miss him when she finally went home, but she was ready to get back to her life. She missed Jessica more than she ever thought possible. All those things that she had promised Alison that she would be there for, she had missed. She had definitely missed her first steps, and probably even her first words. She missed out on sharing the joy of those moments with Alison. She missed out on helping Alison through the sleepless nights of teething and fevers and the messes of teaching Jessica how to feed herself. She didn't want to miss out on anything else, with either of them. She hoped that Alison would be able to one day forgive her for everything, at least enough to allow her to be back in Jessica's life. But Dr. Leonard was right, she needed to forgive herself before she could expect Alison to forgive her.

~XXXXX~

Emily was in her room, packing all of her belongings she had accumulated over the past eight months, although it wasn't a lot. After she packed the rest of her clothes, she went to the bathroom and collected her toiletries before packing them in their spot. As she walked past her nightstand, a picture frame caught her eye. After setting down her toiletry bag, she sat on the edge of the bed and took the frame in her hands. It was a picture of her and Alison from when they first started dating. Alison looked so full of life and they were so in love. The smile on Alison's face made Emily's heart melt every time she saw it. When she first arrived at the treatment facility in California, she had been so mad about everything that she didn't even bother bringing any photos of Alison or of Jessica. That was a decision that Emily soon began to regret after only a few short days of her stay. Thankfully, she had photos on her phone that she would scroll through daily. One day, after one of her breakthrough sessions with Dr. Leonard, she was allowed to go to the local drug store and print out copies of some of the photos from her phone. She printed out one of Jessica's baby photos, along with their "first official family photo" from the courthouse the day they adopted Jessica. To the unknowing eye, they looked like a happy family, but Emily could see the void behind Alison's eyes. She wanted another picture to remember Alison by, so she printed out this one, taken on a crisp fall day while walking through the woods. They had such an amazing time that day, just laughing and talking while enjoying each other's company. Emily lightly brushed her fingers over Alison's face and smiled, tears collecting in her eyes. "I love you, Ali," Emily whispered before bringing the photo up to her lips. She let her tears fall, something that she had been learning to do with the help of Dr. Leonard, until the bitterness had subsided and she was left feeling hopeful that one day, her and Alison could get back to that. She gently tucked the frame in between her clothes so it wouldn't break in the flight and zipped up her suitcase.

She wheeled her suitcase out into the common living area and began to say her goodbyes to the other residents of the facility. She had seen quite a few come and go since she had been there, and now was excited, yet nervous, that her time had come to finally spread her wings on her own and take what she learned here and put it to use in the real world. Finally, she stopped in front of Dr. Leonard. She gave him a watery smile and wrapped her arms around his waist. He quickly embraced her back, cradling the back of her head with one hand and running his other hand up and down her back, much like a father would do to his daughter. In that moment, she thought of her father, Wayne and how much she missed him. But because of the man holding her right now, she could look back on the good memories they had shared as a family and smile. "Take care, Emily. Remember, I'm only a phone call away."

Emily pulled out of his embrace and took a step back. "Thank you, so much for everything, doc."

Dr. Leonard put both his hands on Emily's shoulders. "I'm proud of you, kiddo. And your family is, too."

Emily nodded, unable to form words past the lump that had formed in the back of her throat. She took one more look at the doctor and her temporary home before turning on her heel and walking down the drive to the cab awaiting her at the curb. She placed her suitcase in the trunk and climbed in the taxi, headed to the airport to get back on a plane headed to Rosewood, Pennsylvania. Emily didn't know what to expect when she got there. She didn't even know if Alison had even moved on or not. She hoped that she didn't and would have waited, but Emily wouldn't have blamed her if she didn't wait. It's not like the blonde had heard anything from Emily for the past eight months. Suddenly, Emily felt extremely nauseous. The thought of Alison moving on with somebody else had never come up in her sessions with Dr. Leonard. Emily closed her eyes and tried to breathe through her anxiety while Dr. Leonard's voice spoke softly in the back of her head, " _She's waiting for you, Emily."_ A sense of calm washed over her as they pulled up to the airport terminal. She paid the driver and grabbed her luggage from the trunk. She still didn't know what she was going to do once she got back to Rosewood, but she knew that she needed to see Alison and fight as hard as she could for her family.

 **A/N 2: Ok, please don't hate me! The next few chapters will give you insight into what happened in the months following the adoption party until Jessica's 1st birthday. That's about 8 months of stuff to cover while also dealing with Emily and Alison once again being in the same city together and Emily having to be back in the "real world" around her triggers. I will warn you guys there will be talk of substance abuse and mental health in this book. Please, let me know what you guys think. Have a great day guys!**


	3. Welcome (Back) to Rosewood

**A/N: Hey guys! I hope you are all having a fantastic day! The weather has** ** _finally_** **turned here in the Northeast US and it's a beautiful day here, which made me want to update! I have to admit, I was totally NOT expecting the response I've gotten from the first two chapters so far. All of your reviews have been amazing and keep me inspired for this story. Now that we have some sort of set-up and background on where Alison and Emily have been, this next chapter deals with Emily's first few days back in Rosewood. It gives you a little more insight into the aftermath of Jessica's birthday party and has Emily starting to rebuild some of the relationships that she damaged. I hope you guys like it, see you at the bottom!**

Emily stepped off the bus at the Rosewood terminal and a smile formed across her face at the blonde standing before her. She quickly retrieved her bag from the under-bus storage compartment and ran over to great the woman that had become one of her closest friends. She wrapped her arms around her and swung her around a few times. "Hi Han!" Emily couldn't control the excitement in her voice, she was so happy to be home and it felt so good to see a familiar face after so long.

"Hey, Em. How was your trip?" Hanna asked with a nervous smile. The last time she had seen Emily, she was a total and complete _wreck_. Her mind flashed back to eight months ago.

 _Hanna woke to someone pounding on the door. She groggily looked over to Caleb who was sound asleep snoring next to her. She looked at the clock and saw that it was 2:15 in the morning. "What the fuck? Caleb, someone's at the door," Hanna mumbled as she nudged Caleb with her elbow to try to wake him up. Of course, he didn't move and his snoring just got louder._

 _"_ _Hanna! Haaaaannnnnnnaaaaa!" A familiar voice called out as the pounding on the door continued._

 _"_ _Ugh," Hanna mumbled angerly as she swung her legs out of bed and grabbed her robe to throw over her lingerie. "I'm coming, stop banging!" Hanna called as she made her way into the living room. "What the fuck is your issue?" Hanna yelled as she opened the door, ready to give the brunette on the other side a piece of her mind for banging on the door of their loft in the middle of the night after the shit that she pulled at Jessica's birthday party. However, the sight in front of her stopped all the vile words from spilling out of her mouth. Emily was standing before her, soaking wet from the pouring rain, her eyes puffy and bloodshot and she mud smeared on her clothes and a few twigs in her hair like she had fallen. Which she probably was considering her current level of intoxication. She was currently swaying on her feet, sobbing hysterically with fresh tears pouring down her face. Hanna reached forward and grabbed her by the shirt sleeve. "Get your ass in here." The sudden jerking made Emily loose her balance, crashing hard into Hanna's body._

 _Immediately on contact, Emily's legs gave out on her and she crumbled into a ball on the floor. "I need help, Han," Emily sobbed out. "I need help."_

 _For the next 40 minutes, Hanna had held the brunette and ran her fingers through her hair, trying to soothe her. Hanna had been witness to the downward spiral that Emily had been on, but every time she brought it up, the brunette would either blow off her worries or blow up_ at _her. She felt a sense of relief that Emily seemed to have finally_ gotten _it. However, she wished it had been sooner and her family wouldn't have been hurt in the process. By 3:00 am, Hanna had gotten her out of her wet clothes and asleep on the couch. Before settling back down in bed, she sent off a quick text to Alison._

 ** _She's with me. She's a mess, Ali. But she knows she needs help._**

 _Hanna wasn't sure if Alison would be awake or not at that hour to even get her message, but she didn't want Alison to worry if she woke up the next morning and Emily wasn't there. Her heart broke at the words that were sent back to her almost immediately._

 ** _Get her help, Han. She doesn't want it from me. She blames me for everything._**

 ** _I'm here for you and Jessica, Alison. I always will be._**

 _Hanna didn't know what else to say, so she just sighed and sent one more text before climbing back under the covers and snuggling up to Caleb, holding him close. She had known that Emily's drinking was out of control, but she didn't realize that she and Alison were in such a bad place at the moment. She felt bad for both of her friends, but she hoped that once Emily got the help she needed, they would be able to work everything out._

 _The next morning, the blonde got up early and looked into a few treatment facilities for the brunette. She knew that Emily needed to get out of Rosewood if she was going to get through her problems. As much as Emily tried to deny it, Hanna knew that her drinking had a lot to do with her mother's death. Since she had to make the decision to take Pam off of life support, Hanna knew that something had broken within her best friend and she hadn't been the same since. She found one in California that Emily agreed to. They called and had a bed available immediately and Hanna had dropped Emily off at the airport in Philly that same afternoon._

That was the last time that Hanna had seen Emily, although they did speak a couple of times over the phone. Looking at the brunette now, Hanna had to admit to herself that she looked really good. Once Pam had passed away, Emily had been on a downward spiral. She stopped working out and didn't spend as much time outside as she once did. Usually, she sat under the fluorescent bulbs of the local bar. Every time Hanna would see her, it seemed like Emily looked worse than the last time she saw her. Deep down, Hanna knew Emily was on the way to snapping. She just didn't think it would be to the extent that it was. She didn't realize how bad it truly was until that day.

But now, standing in front of Hanna, Emily looked like her old self again. Her skin was much darker than it had been when she left, a telltale sign that the vitamin D infused sun of California had done its job. Emily had toned up once again and her face looked refreshed. Her eyes held life in them again, something that they didn't twelve months ago.

"It was good. I slept on the plane some, which helped to pass the time." Emily stood in front of her best friend, suddenly feeling very awkward. She looked at the blonde and could tell that Hanna didn't know what to say to her. Emily cleared her thoughts and thought back to what she had rehearsed on the bus ride to town. "Thank you, Hanna, for letting me stay with you guys. I know you didn't have to agree to me living there, but I appreciate it more than you'll ever know."

Hanna gave Emily a genuine smile as they began walking to the blonde's car. "Don't mention it, Em. You know you're more than welcome to stay with us when you need it." Hanna gave Emily a stern look. "But there are going to be some ground rules," Hanna explained as they stopped at her car.

Emily laughed lightly. "I figured. And I understand I am a guest in your house, so whatever you need me to do, I'll do it." Emily tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and looked over the car at Hanna. "Han, I know we've talked about this, but now that I have you in person, I wanted to apologize for that night. Well, for that day, too. But I didn't mean to barge in on you like that. I would have understood if you hadn't opened the door on me that night, but I'll be forever grateful that you did." Emily felt her emotions rising to the surface. "I honestly don't know where I would be right now if you hadn't opened your arms to me that night." Emily's voice cracked as she noticed Hanna wipe a stray tear from her cheek.

"Yeah well, someone was going to call the cops on you if I didn't stop all the racket you were making!" Hanna said, the mood between the two becoming too heavy, too quickly. Both women smiled lightly before climbing into the car. Hanna turned the engine over and pulled out onto the street, heading in the direction of her and Caleb's loft. "Ok, rule number one. No alcohol, of any kind, is allowed in the loft." Emily gave her an incredulous look. "Caleb and I already went through and got rid of what we had."

"Hanna, you didn't have to throw it all-"

"Oh, we didn't throw it away! That's alcohol abuse!" Emily laughed at her blonde friend who didn't realize what she just said. "It's over at Spencer's house."

Emily lifted her eyebrows in surprise. "Spencer's still around?"

"Yeah, she took over the law firm now that her mom and dad are in Harrisburg. Rule number two. Lights out is at 10 pm. Not a second later."

"What is this, boarding school?" Emily asked.

"Caleb and I both leave for work at 7, and I need my beauty sleep," Hanna said with a wave of her hand with her nose pointed up in the air.

Emily laughed at her friend. It felt great to be back around someone that she knew so well and someone who had known the Emily that she was before. "Ok, rule number three?"

Hanna pulled the car to a stop in front of her loft, turned off the engine and turned in her seat to face Emily. "Rule number three. No sex in the loft." Emily began to laugh, but it quickly faded when she saw the look on Hanna's face. "I'm serious, if you and Alison get back together, you have a place to go. And if you decide you need…" Hanna thought on her words for a second. " _Something else_ , well, no slut is going to be welcome at my place."

Emily's eyes went wide. "Trust me, Han! That is something you _don't_ need to worry about." Emily got quiet as she thought about Alison. "Han-"

Hanna cut her off. "Nope, I already told you, we are not doing this. If you want to know how she and your daughter are, _you_ need to ask them yourself."

Emily sighed. This is the one thing Hanna was being incredibly stubborn on, in her opinion. Whenever they talked on the phone while she was in rehab, Hanna _refused_ to tell her anything about Alison or Jessica. Hanna had always told her that Emily needed to fix her own mistakes, and if she wanted to know how Alison or Jessica was doing, she needed to _"stop being such a pussy and pick up the phone."_ When she fumed about it at one of her sessions, Dr. Leonard had even agreed that she shouldn't go through Hanna to find out about Alison. Those were things that Emily needed to find out for herself, not for her friend to relay. "Just, does she know I'm here?"

Before Emily could get an answer, Hanna had already slammed the door and was hauling Emily's luggage up the front steps. Emily rolled her eyes, knowing that Hanna was going to be stubborn about this, too. If she wanted to know about Alison, she was going to have to bite the bullet and go see her.

~XXXXX~

It had been two whole days since Emily had been back in Rosewood and she still hadn't worked up the nerve to call Alison. Not that Emily didn't want to, she just wanted to make sure everything was in place before she saw her again. She wanted to show Alison that she had her shit together. So she spent the day yesterday finding the schedule for the local AA meetings, as well as the number for a therapist within walking distance of Hanna's loft. She had thought about calling Dr. Sullivan, but didn't know if Alison was still seeing her or not, so she didn't want to feel like she was invading on Alison's space. She had eventually found one that specialized in addiction and was able to fit her in on Friday. It was Thursday now, and she was slightly nervous having to start over with a new therapist, but Dr. Leonard had proved to her that the process worked if you just believed and let it do its thing.

Right now, Emily was standing outside of _Hastings & Hastings_, mentally psyching herself up for her next thing on her to-do list. Finally, Emily had built up enough courage through her mind's pep talk and opened the doors to the law firm. She walked up to the reception desk where a young man who looked to be in his early twenties was seated talking on the phone. He held up a finger to Emily when he saw her approach and she waited patiently at the desk for him to end his phone call.

"Just a moment, let me transfer you to our financial department," the young man said as he rapidly pushed button on the phone before hanging up and looking at Emily. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, hi. I'm here to see Spencer Hastings. Is she available?"

"Do you have an appointment?" The young man asked.

Emily looked at him hesitantly. "Um, no but…"

The young man cut Emily off. "She doesn't take walk-in appointments."

"Please, I'm a friend of hers, I just need a couple minutes of her time," Emily begged the young man to let her see Spencer. She needed to have this conversation with her face to face. Spencer had ignored both of her calls yesterday and hadn't gotten back to her, but she knew Spencer couldn't ignore her if she showed up at the office. Hanna had told her that Spencer was pretty pissed about everything that had happened, so Emily wasn't expecting this talk to be easy.

The young man gave out a huff as he looked back up to her. "What's your name?"

Emily gave him a smile. "Emily Fields," she said with her voice full of hope.

He rolled his eyes as he picked up the phone and hit the top speed dial button. "Ms. Hastings, I have an Emily Fields here looking for you." He hung up almost immediately after and Emily's heart sank. Her head dropped as she thought for sure Spencer had shot her down. Her head shot up when she heard the young man say, "You can head on in. Take a left at the end of the hall, first door on your right."

Emily quickly thanked him before she headed down the hall. She kept repeating what she wanted to say over and over in her head, but as soon as she knocked on the wooden door, her mind went completely blank on her. Spencer opened the door and ushered her into the plush office. The office was massive, with an L-shaped, dark wood desk in the middle, a white leather couch off to the right, and two large bookcases along the left wall with a rock water garden directly next to the door as you walk in, giving the space a sense of tranquility with the constant sound of running water. _Or make you have to pee every five minutes_ , Emily joked to herself, trying to keep her thoughts light for what she was about to do.

Spencer ushered her to sit at one of the two chairs directly in front of the desk, while she walked around and took her spot behind it. She then leaned forward, clasped her hands together and placed them on top of her desk. Her gaze on Emily was strong, almost enough to cause the tanned brunette to squirm in her seat. "What are you doing here, Emily?" Spencer's tone was cold and it took Emily aback some. Hanna had told her that Spencer was highly upset about everything, but Emily didn't expect her to be this cold. She wondered what could have caused Spencer to be so put off with her.

"Well, I just got back to town a couple of days ago," Emily began hesitantly.

"Yeah, I know, Hanna told me." Spencer looked at Emily, waiting for her to continue.

"Look, I'm sorry Spencer. I don't know exactly what I did to make you this upset with me…"

Spencer's eyes widened in disbelief. "You don't know what you did? Are you serious right now Emily? Do you not remember that stunt you pulled at your daughter's birthday party?"

"Of course I do," Emily said, trying to defend herself at Spencer's accusations.

"Do you not remember how you promised Alison to always be there, and then you up and left?" Spencer's voice was getting louder and Emily could see her eyes getting darker as she grew angrier.

Emily flinched at that question. She didn't like to think about the fact that she had hurt Alison so bad, but she didn't need to keep being reminded of it if she was going to get to the point of forgiving herself. "I don't need you…"

Spencer cut her off. "Do you not remember adopting your daughter, making a silent contract to her to always be there, and then up and leaving her, just like you left her mother?" Spencer was full out yelling at Emily now.

Emily's blood began to boil, Spencer ripping open wounds that Emily was trying desperately to heal. "I know Spence! I hate myself for what I put the two of them through." Emily took a deep breath to calm herself. She was getting loud and didn't come here to have a blow out with Spencer. "I went to that facility for them. I want to make it up to them. I want to be the mother and partner that they both deserve. I hit a bad patch. I had just lost my mother and it suddenly hit me that I had lost both of my parents within two years of each other. I didn't have any siblings, I felt alone." Emily slowly reached forward and grabbed a tissue out of the box sitting on Spencer's desk and blotted under her eyes.

Spencer's face softened slightly at the sincerity of her words and seeing Emily so vulnerable, but she quickly put her hard mask back up. She had seen the hell that Alison had gone through the past eight months with Emily gone. Spencer had never thought in a million years that she and Alison DiLaurentis would be close enough to consider each other friends, but they were. Spencer was there for the aftermath of the party, helping Alison to clean up the mess that Emily had made while Alison tried to console Jessica. On that day, she had never seen someone look so broken before, and all the past grudges that were held onto just washed away. They suddenly didn't seem important anymore. From that day forward, their relationship started growing into a pretty close bond between the pair now. Spencer had been there countless nights when Emily had first left, consoling the blonde as she cried on her shoulder. She watched Alison get stronger every day and has been proud of the progress that she has made over the past months. She had wanted nothing more than for Emily to come back and take Alison's pain away so that they could all be a family, but now that Emily was sitting in front of her, her defenses were up for Alison's sake. She didn't say anything, she just continued to stare at Emily, who was wringing the tissue in her lap.

"Look, I know that what I did wasn't right by any means." Spencer just scoffed in the seat across from her and Emily let out a sigh. "But I'm not that person anymore. I'm not proud of the person that I was, and if I could go back and do it all again, I would have handled everything differently. But I can't change the past. I can only look to today and work towards being a better person in the future. Which is the real reason I came here today."

Spencer sat back and eyed the brunette in front of her. She had to admit that Emily looked a thousand times better than the last time that she saw her. She looked a lot healthier and her eyes were no longer void of emotion. "What do you want from me, Em?"

A small smile crept onto Emily's face at Spencer's use of her nickname. She hated when anyone close to her called her by her full name because it usually meant they were disappointed in or upset with her. "I've been sober for 241 days. It was easy while I was stuck in a house with no access to alcohol. But here it's different." Emily took a deep breath in and released it before meeting Spencer's gaze. "It's hard. And I need someone who I know will hold me accountable if I think about slipping up. I need someone I can call who can talk me down off the ledge and keep me on the wagon."

Spencer raised an eyebrow, finally realizing the reason for Emily's visit. "And you think I'm going to be this person for you?"

"I'm hoping you will be. That's the reason I can here. Not to fight with you, but to ask you to be my sponsor."

Spencer saw the hope in Emily's eyes and suddenly saw the fourteen year-old girl from all those years ago, before life punched her in the gut and kicked her in the ass. The Emily Fields who only saw the good in people and made the world a brighter place. Spencer had seen Emily fuck up big time in the past year, but the Emily that sat before her wasn't that same woman. This was the old Emily Fields, who she loved liked a sister and would do anything in her power to protect. "Yes," Spencer said.

Emily's eyes shot up and a look of surprise washed over her face. "Really?" she asked, completely shocked. As more time had passed in that office, Emily felt her hope fading away slowly. But hearing Spencer agree to help her had given her more hope than she had expected. Hope that she was going to be ok. And hope that if maybe Spencer could see past the person she was, that maybe Alison could too. "Thank you so much, Spence. You really have no idea what this means to me."

Spencer stood up and pulled Emily in for a hug. "It was good to see you, Em. Please, call me, let me know how you're doing."

Emily gave her a genuine smile. "I will."

~XXXXX~

Emily left Spencer's office feeling revived. She felt better than she had in the two days she had been back. She took in a breath of the cool winter air and headed back to her car. She was now off to her next stop where it all began, Rosewood High School.

 **A/N 2: Well, that's chapter 3, please let me know what you guys think. I haven't been able to write much this past week, because 1) I've been working like crazy and even weekends, so I've been spending my free time cleaning and taking care of things around the house and 2) I honestly was a little lost at the next direction I wanted to take the story, but towards the end of my run this morning an idea popped into my head that I am excited to incorporate. Yes, it will bring more drama, but I think it will ultimately be good for our girls. Please, keep the reviews coming and as always, thank you so much for taking the time to read (and review)! Have a great day everyone!**


	4. Hope and Pain

**A/N: Happy Monday guys! Here's the next installment for you. As always, that you so much for the support for this. I know you are all super curious about the infamous party, but that is coming up shortly, I promise! I love hearing what you guys think happened, so let me know if you haven't already! Happy reading and I'll see you at the bottom!**

Emily stood on the sidewalk in front of Rosewood High, just like she had on her first day over two years ago now. Emotions flooded her body as she looked up at the building that held so many memories, both good and bad. She took a deep breath and slowly made her way inside to the main office. As soon as she walked through the doors, she was greeted by the secretary, Carrie. "Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in!" Carrie announced as soon as she saw Emily and got up to round her desk to give the brunette a hug. "How are you, sweetheart? We were glad to hear you were coming home."

Emily scrunched her nose up. "You knew I was coming back?"

Carrie just laughed. "Of course! Alison told us that you were coming back into town this week. She wasn't sure when you were going to be up for teaching again, though." When Emily continued to give Carrie a confused look, the longtime secretary continued. "When Alison heard that Principal Hackett wanted to replace you at the beginning of the year, she all but begged him to keep your position open for when you came back."

Emily's heart melted and she felt tears stinging the backs of her eyes at Carrie's admission. She never expected to hear that Alison had gone to bat for her and had all but begged for the administration to keep her job open for her. The thought that maybe Alison still cared for her made her feel like she was soaring. It gave her even more hope than when she had left Spencer's office. There was no longer any hesitation in her body and she felt the overwhelming need to go see Alison this very minute. "Is she here right now?"

Carrie gave her a look of confusion and Emily felt like she came crashing back down to earth when she answered. "I'm sorry Alison has a standing appointment each week on Mondays and Thursdays. There is a sub in her room at the moment."

Emily felt herself physically deflate, but quickly gathered herself as she remembered the real reason for coming to the school. "Is Principal Hackett available? I want to talk to him about a start date."

XXXXX

"Alison, how has your week been going so far?"

Alison had no idea how to even begin to answer that question. It felt far too loaded at the moment. She had gotten a text message from Hanna late Monday night, telling her that Emily was coming back on Tuesday and would be staying with her and Caleb at their loft. Alison's head and heart had been in a war since then. Her heart ached more for Emily since Monday night than it had in months, but her head told her that she needed to put her walls back up to protect her heart. When they first met, Emily had worked so hard to bring those walls down and once she did, Alison felt more alive than she had in her entire life. But the last words that she had spoken to Emily had broken her heart. _"I have_ my _daughter to think about now. And if you keep this up, I will take her from you and you will_ never _see her again!"_ Alison still cringed that those words had come out of her mouth. She knew that Emily loved Jessica more than life itself. She also knew that Emily was hurting and lashing out after losing Pam. She knew that her Postpartum Depression had put an unbelievable amount of stress on Emily until one day she just couldn't take it anymore. But Emily had shattered her the day she left. She honestly didn't know how to feel about Emily being back and she was anxious to get to her Thursday session to talk through it with someone who knew her entire history. "The simple answer is fine."

Dr. Sullivan raised an eyebrow and looked up from her pad. "Do you want to share the not simple answer with me?"

Alison took a deep breath, held it for three seconds, and then blew it out, which was a breathing technique she had learned from the woman sitting in front of her to calm herself before she got too anxious. "Emily is back." They were three little words but they felt so heavy leaving the blonde's lips.

Dr. Sullivan pursed her lips together. "How does that make you feel?"

Alison looked over at the bookcase, her eyes not being able to focus on the doctor in front of her. "Scared, angry, sad, hopeful."

"Why sad?" Dr. Sullivan decided to work through each emotion one at a time.

"I just think of everything that we had… how much we loved each other. And it makes me sad that we couldn't work through everything together." Alison could feel a knot forming in her throat at the thought of what she and Emily had had, and then ultimately, lost.

Dr. Sullivan scribbled down something in her notebook. "Do you think that you were in the proper state of mind to be able to truly _help_ her?" Dr. Sullivan had spent the first few months after Emily left to try to convince Alison that Emily was in too deep in her addiction by the time Alison was stable enough mentally to be able to help Emily in the way that she needed. Dr. Sullivan had spent countless sessions convincing the blonde that she was right in focusing on herself first and foremost, and eventually, the blonde had gotten it.

 _"_ _Alison, you needed to take care of yourself for your daughter. She deserves better than having both parents unable to care for her."_

Once Dr. Sullivan had made her see that Jessica deserved better than what she was getting, she focused all of her attention into getting better. Even though she wasn't willing to admit it, she knew Dr. Sullivan was right and that Emily was in too deep. So she pushed through with everything she had and focused on healing herself so that she could take care of Jessica. She had secretly hoped that Emily would see the change in her and _want_ to change for her family, but it seemed like the more Alison pushed to get the brunette to seek help, the more she just pushed Alison away. Alison sighed out. "No."

"Alison, Emily was in too deep. She needed professional help. And you were just coming out of your depression, you had to think about yourself. You had just enough energy to focus on Jessica, you couldn't have focused on Emily, too. And Jessica needed you _more."_

"I just wish I could have been better for her." It was a regret that Alison kept deep inside of her. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't let that nagging feeling go.

"How do you mean?"

"I wish that I had come to see you sooner. But with everything that happened with Pam, everything just got so hectic and I avoided coming to see you." Alison remembered back to that day coming out of the courthouse. She had actually felt _hopeful_ for the future. She had every intention on seeing Dr. Sullivan that following week, but then the shit hit the fan. Everything that was going on just felt like a stimulation overload to Alison, and all her body wanted to do was shut down. Every day, she felt more and more of her life being drained from her body. Her original appointment was supposed to be before the school year started, but she cancelled it to try and be there for Emily. It wasn't until about two weeks after Alison completely ruined their one year anniversary together that she finally sought the help of Dr. Sullivan. Emily hadn't really started heavily drinking yet at that point, but if Alison could pinpoint an exact moment where that changed, she knew that it was the day that _should_ have been such a happy day in their relationship.

Dr. Sullivan was quiet for a moment, before she asked, curiously. "Do you think a part of you didn't _want_ to get better?"

Alison furrowed her eyebrows. "I honestly don't know. Maybe?"

"Maybe?" Dr. Sullivan quirked an eyebrow.

"Maybe a part of me didn't want to face how disappointed she was in me?" Alison was so disappointed in herself about how she couldn't be there for Emily. She knew she wasn't in the proper place to give her the emotional support she needed while Pam was in the hospital, so she tried to at least keep the house clean and food on the table so Emily wouldn't have to worry about that when she was home. But she had failed miserably. But even after Pam's death and how much Alison had failed her, Emily had gone all out for their first anniversary, buying the blonde a dozen long stem roses and a new dress for the evening and getting a babysitter lined up for Jessica. Emily had even planned to go the same theater and restaurant that they had gone to on their first date in Philly. But Alison couldn't bring herself to get out of bed that night. Even after everything Emily did, she just couldn't fake it that night.

 _Alison lay in bed, the covers drawn up over her head, her knees drawn to her chest. Today had been a particularly hard day for her. Her students had been exceedingly uncooperative that day and with each passing minute of the clock, the urge to just come home and sleep got stronger and stronger. She had walked through the door and immediately saw Emily holding a bouquet of roses and a garment box._

 _"_ _Hey…" Emily said as she heard the front door open. "How was your day?"_

 _Things between them had been strained since Pam died, and Alison felt like it was her fault. Each day she would look at Emily and see the pain behind her eyes. Emily was physically with her each day, but_ her _Emily was long gone. Her eyes didn't hold the same light that they once did. Alison could see that she was tired. She had been working so hard to keep the family together that she hadn't even grieved for her mother a month later. Alison knew that she was barely holding on by a string, but she couldn't do anything to make it better._ I can't do anything, _Alison thought to herself, the negative, self-loathing voices ringing loud in her head. "Long, exhausting," Alison said as she put her bag down and hung her jacket up. "What's all this?" Alison said, motioning to the bouquet and box in Emily's hands._

 _Emily smirked before placing the box and flowers down on the dining room table. "It's for you," she said. "Happy anniversary, Ali." Emily smiled as she pulled Alison in, placing a gentle peck to her lips before wrapping her in her arms. Alison couldn't believe that she had forgotten that it was their anniversary._ You're such an idiot, _she screamed at herself. Alison's arms felt too heavy for her to even be able to reciprocate the hug, so she just stood there, arms at her side, while Emily hugged her._ You can't even return her hug? What good are you? _Alison's thoughts were screaming at her. Emily pulled back after realizing Alison wasn't going to hug her back and frowned once again. "Why don't you go and take a bath? We have about an hour before we have to leave. Jessica is over at Spencer's for the night."_

 _"_ _Where are we going?" Alison asked. She still hated surprises, but Emily usually made them special. Today, however, Alison had little to no patience._

 _"_ _It's a surprise," Emily said._

 _Alison pinched the bridge of her nose. "Look, Em, I'm not in the mood to go out tonight. I'm exhausted."_

 _Emily frowned at her, but did her best to stay calm. She had been planning this day for weeks and was really looking forward to having a nice night to themselves. She felt like they deserved it after everything they had gone through. "Go upstairs and relax, I'll come up in a little bit so we can get ready."_

 _Alison just shrugged and headed up to the bedroom where she immediately climbed under the covers. It had been an hour, and Alison hadn't moved. She just laid there, staring at the door. Eventually, Emily had come up and tried to get her to get dressed, bringing the garment box up containing a beautiful cobalt blue dress that she bought for Alison that evening, but Alison had refused to get out of bed. "I don't have the energy, Em," Alison had whined after several attempts by the brunette to get her to get out of bed and get ready._

 _Emily glared at Alison, her frustrations finally spilling over. "You know what! Fine! Do whatever the hell you want, Alison!"_

 _Alison didn't even flinch when Emily slammed the door so hard that one of the picture frames next to the door fell off of the wall. Emily had come to bed a few hours later, and Alison could smell the whiskey coming off of her. Emily didn't even bother saying goodnight to her, but just faced away from the blonde and went to sleep. Alison hadn't slept at all that night and it wasn't until the next morning that Alison had found the theater tickets ripped up sitting on the top of the garbage can. She noticed saw that they were for the theater that she and Emily had went to on their first date and her heart sank._ Way to go, you've been a total bitch to her, yet she still went all out. She deserves so much better than you _. Alison broke down and sobbed against the kitchen counter until she eventually fell asleep from exhaustion on the kitchen floor._

And in that moment when she found the ripped up tickets, she knew that she failed Emily. She could tell by the way Emily's jaw clenched as she walked out of the bedroom that she was beyond angry, but she also saw disappointment in her eyes. And Alison knew that disappointment was for her. For the fact that Emily was trying her _hardest_ despite the heartbreak she had gone through the past month, to make Alison _happy_. And for that, Alison was disappointed in herself. It took a couple weeks of wallowing, but she finally dragged herself here. She just wished she could have gotten here before Emily was on such a downward spiral. Maybe then, things could have been so different.

"Was that a question?"

"I guess I thought that if I ignored it, that she would, too. Like it was in the beginning. She was so understanding and I could see the concern in her eyes, but she never _pushed_ me, you know? She was gentle about it." A small smile graced her face, thinking back to how kind and warm Emily's touch used to be. How much love those chocolate-colored eyes used to hold for her.

"What changed?"

"After the adoption party when Pam collapsed, Emily became hard, almost cold towards me." Alison thought back to that horrible day that had drastically changed their lives and their relationship.

 _"_ _Mom!"_

 _Alison had been in the middle of showing Spencer and Hanna the surprise that she had for Emily when she heard the brunette's screams coming from the living room. She threw the box back onto the desk and ran from the room. "Em?" Alison called out as she raced down the hall. She could hear Emily screaming for help. "Em, wha-" Alison stopped dead in her tracks as she rounded the corner and the living room came into view. The first thing Alison noticed was Emily kneeling on the floor with a look of shear panic on her face. Alison's eyes quickly scanned around her girlfriend and saw Pam's limp body cradled in Emily's arms._

 _"_ _Mom!" She yelled while tapping her cheeks with the palm of her hand, but Pam remained motionless. "Mom! Wake up!"_

 _Caleb came rushing through the doors, phone in his hand talking frantically to someone on the other line. "I don't know. She just collapsed. She's not responding." Caleb stopped for a minute and listened to the voice on the other end. He took two fingers on her left hand and pressed them into the side of Pam's neck. After a few seconds, he spoke into the phone again. "Yeah, I can feel it, but it's weak." After another short pause, he turned to Alison, "I need a mirror, or a spoon! Something metal!" Alison was stuck in place. She willed her feet to move, but she felt like she was standing in quick-drying cement. Alison felt movement behind her and soon felt Spencer shove past her holding a spoon out to Caleb. He took it and placed it under her nose. "No, she's not breathing!"_

 _Emily's wails became louder once Caleb uttered those words. "Mom! Mom, please, come back!"_

 _"_ _We need to lay her down flat on the floor!" Caleb instructed, looking to Spencer who was still standing next to him._

 _Spencer firmly grasped Emily's shoulders and pulled the brunette away from her mother's body. Emily tried to shake her off, but Spencer tightened her grip. "Em, we need to give Caleb space, he needs to help her breathe." Once Emily finally let go of her mother, she clung onto Spencer and let her sobs consume her._

 _After a couple rounds of CPR, the living room began to brighten with the red and blue flashing lights coming from the emergency response vehicles. First responders came pouring into the living room with all their equipment and began assessing the eldest Fields woman. Within minutes, the paramedics were taking Pam out to the ambulance and Spencer was pulling Emily out of the house so she could ride with Pam._

 _All the while, Alison stood frozen in place, watching the scene unfold before her. She watched Emily, clinging onto Spencer as if she could stop Pam from slipping away by how hard she gripped the taller brunette. Alison desperately wished that she could be the one consoling her girlfriend, but her own mother's face flashed in Pam's. She couldn't move, as much as she wanted to with all of her being. She was brought back to reality when she felt a hand on her shoulder._

 _"_ _Alison!" The blonde jumped at the sound of her name. She slowly turned her head to see Spencer standing next to her. "Hanna said she and Caleb would stay here with Jessica. Em's in the ambulance, I'll drive you to the hospital." Alison couldn't form any words. She only nodded in understanding. Her feet finally decided to work on her again and before she knew it, she was sitting in the passenger seat of Spencer's car on their way to the hospital that Alison was growing to hate._

 _After waiting two agonizing hours in the ER waiting room, a doctor came out and explained to them that Pam had thrown a blood clot and it made its way to her brain, causing massive bleeding. He told them that they thought they had the bleeding under control, but put Pam into a medically induced coma to help her heal. He led them up to the ICU where Pam was hooked up to what seemed like ten different machines. There were monitors that were beeping and also one machine that was hissing, indicating it was breathing for Pam. She had had tubes and wires covering most of her body and her head was bandaged. Before Alison even knew what was happening, Emily was at her mom's bedside, her shoulders shaking as she continued to cry into her mother's hand._

"Emily spent most of her free time at Pam's side. I tried to keep up with the housework and Jessica, but I didn't have the energy. I felt like such a failure, as a girlfriend and as a mother. And the more of a failure I thought I was, the more depressed I became."

"You tried your best, Alison. You were dealing with an illness. You need to stop beating yourself up about it."

"I know that now. But Emily would come home yelling if the house wasn't clean. Or she would start getting annoyed if I didn't have the energy to get out of bed in the middle of the night if Jessica needed to be fed or changed. I felt like such a failure. I thought that they both would be better off without me. I felt so worthless." Alison tried to swallow back the emotions that were rising to the surface. Even a half a year later, talking about this part of her life was still a struggle for the blonde. She knew that talking it out with Dr. Sullivan helped, but she felt like she wouldn't _fully_ get closure on that part of her life until she talked it out with _Emily_. And that was something that wondered if she would truly ever be ready for.

"Emily made you feel worthless?"

"Yes," Alison said in a voice barely above a whisper, her heart breaking at her own admission.

"Do you still feel that way?" Dr. Sullivan gently prodded.

"Honestly? Sometimes. Sometimes, I wonder what I even meant to her, you know? I know she had a drinking problem, but she's been sober for eight months. She never once picked up the phone and called me. Never wanted to know how Jessica was doing. I believed her, everything she told me after she found out I was pregnant. All the words she told me after Jessica was born. Were they all just lies?" Alison asked, mostly to herself.

Dr. Sullivan set her pen and pad down in her lap and leaned forward toward Alison. "You know, Alison. Recovery is an extremely hard process. It more likely than not involves uncovering a lot of hidden feelings and emotions that have been buried down deep within someone. Things that person doesn't even want to acknowledge. But they have to, in order to heal and move on. Sometimes, it's extremely hard to open someone else up to that, especially the person that the addict feels they failed the most." Dr. Sullivan leaned forward and placed a hand on Alison's knee. "Hear her out. Whether you can find it in your heart to forgive her or not, you need to hear what she has to say for herself. Or else you are going to be constantly wondering 'what if'. And you can't begin to move forward, individually or together, until you two talk." Dr. Sullivan leaned back in her chair. "If you want, we can do it here, in an environment that you feel safe in."

Alison let out a long breath. "I'll think about it. I think I've had enough for today." Tough sessions like this always wore Alison out, and today, she felt both physically and emotionally exhausted. Knowing that Emily had been back for a few days now had Alison's mind on overdrive, so much so that her sleep had been severely interrupted. Alison knew that Dr. Sullivan was right. If she was going to move forward with her life, she needed to talk to Emily. But she needed to protect her heart. She was afraid that she would see the brunette and her resolve would crumble. She was afraid that she would take Emily back into her life, just to wind up hurt again. She didn't want to think that Emily would hurt her again, but she was very weary of letting Emily have the chance. She just wanted her brain to shut off for once and not have to think for a full day. She knew that wasn't going to happen, but she still hoped it would.

"Our time is almost up anyway," Dr. Sullivan said as she stood up and ushered Alison to the door. "I'll see you on Monday. Have a nice weekend." Alison gave a polite smile and headed for the door as fast as her legs would take her.

The whole way back to RHS, he mind was racing with thoughts of Emily. She knew she still loved Emily, but after everything they had been through, Alison knew that it wouldn't be easy to get back to where they once were, if they _could_ even be anything again. Towards the end, Alison knew that Emily resented her. And it killed her every day that _she_ had been the reason that Emily held such bitterness towards life. She didn't know how Emily even felt towards her. It had been eight months since the two of them even spoke, and even longer since they had an _actual_ meaningful conversation that didn't end in screaming and tears from one or both of them. Would it even be _possible_ for Emily to still love her after everything that happened? Her palms began to sweat and her heart rate accelerated at the thought. She honestly didn't know what she would do if she couldn't have Emily in her life. The past eight months, she had just been _existing_. Dr. Sullivan had helped her a lot and the medication she was on seemed to be helping immensely, but she hadn't moved on from Emily. Not one bit. Her heart told her that she didn't want to, but her head was telling her that she needed to. Her head was telling her that even though what she and Emily had shared was _real_ , too much time and hurt had passed between them. Her head told her she needed to protect her heart.

Finally pulling into the parking lot of the high school, Alison's heart stopped. She saw a flash of long, raven hair and olive skin leaving the front doors of the building. Without any warning, Alison's walls grew twice as tall as before.

 **A/N 2: So we finally get some more perspective into how Alison is feeling about this whole thing since we haven't heard from her in a couple of chapters. How'd you guys feel about her admission of how Emily made her feel? The next chapter involved them finally coming face to face for the first time since Jessica's party. How do you guys think it's going to go? This will probably be my only update this week, so I've made it a little longer for you. Beginning today at 1, I am basically working all the way through 9 at night on Thursday and I'll basically only by home to sleep and (hopefully) eat. So I'm not going to have any time to write or post. But your reviews make my day, so please keep those coming! After next week, my work should really drop off for about a month, so I'll have plenty of time to write and hopefully finish this story off. Have a great week everyone and stay safe!**


	5. The Pain of The Past

**A/N: Hey guys! I hope you all had a great weekend! I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's day for all my moms out there. Thank you so much for all the new favorites and follows and thank you as always for the reviews. You guys truly do keep me motivated. Anyway, here's the next installment! What happens when Emily and Alison come face to face again? Keep reading to find out... See you at the bottom.**

Emily did truly feel like she was walking on air when she left RHS. Even though she didn't get to see Alison, she was able to talk to Principal Hackett and they agreed that she could start again on Monday as long as she agreed to submit to periodic breathalyzer and urine tests to make sure she stayed sober. She happily agreed, knowing that she was never going to screw up this second chance that she would be getting. She left RHS with the determination that today was going to be the day that she saw Alison and Jessica. She had missed them both like crazy while she was gone and she couldn't wait one more day. She quickly climbed into her rental car and headed off in the direction of downtown.

~XXXXX~

Fifteen minutes later, Emily was walking through the door of The Brew. It had seemed like forever since she had been there. The familiar scent of brewed coffee hitting her square in the nose, she inhaled deeply and walked up to the counter. She ordered her usual, an Americano, along with a bagel sandwich and headed towards the familiar green couch once she got her food. She set her plate and mug down on the table and sat down at one end. Memories came flooding back of when Alison had surprised her on New Year's and needed Pam to drag her out of the house. Pam had agreed to meet here for coffee before they headed off to _not_ do some made up errand that Pam said she needed Emily's help with. That day, Emily had told Pam that she was going to have a granddaughter. Her mom had been so over the moon excited for them.

 _"_ _I know you two will raise a beautiful, healthy, kind, sweet, caring little girl. You two are going to be amazing moms."_

 _Emily laid her head on Pam's shoulder. "Thanks, mom."_

 _"_ _You also know that I'm only a phone call and short car ride away if you girls need anything."_

 _"_ _We know, mom. Thank you. I love you."_

Emily brushed a tear from her cheek as she thought about that moment. About how her mom was no longer a phone call and short car ride away. Emily closed her eyes and allowed herself to _feel_ the sadness. She didn't care who was around her. Dr. Leonard had made her see that she had gotten herself into the mess she was in because she didn't _allow_ herself to feel anything other than happy, good emotions. Anything bad she was feeling, she pushed down and bottled inside of her. She realized that she had always done that. After she had that first run-in with Alison the first day of ninth grade, she bottled up what was going on and withdrew into herself. Once she moved to Texas, it was her shot to not be the "sullen, weirdo, lesbian" that she felt pegged as in Rosewood. She soon became happy, carefree, loving Emily and tried her best to live up to that standard. Even in college, she never let anyone see her down or depressed. She never let anyone get that far in, until Alison. But even then, Emily didn't let her completely in. There was still so much that she didn't let Alison see. There was so much that Emily didn't even _realize_ she was hiding from Alison. It had become almost a subconscious trait by that point. But when she had to make the absolute hardest decision in her life, she couldn't handle the emotions bottled up inside of her anymore. They wanted to come out and they wanted to come out with a vengeance. But that wasn't who Emily thought she was or wanted to be, so that was why she turned to drinking. She hated that it had taken her so long to get help, but the road she had been on was so broken, she couldn't have found her way without help.

And she will be forever thankful that she did. Even though there is so much that Emily wished she could take back, she knew that she couldn't. She couldn't change the past and make the pain and hurt of her actions go away. She couldn't go back and stop her mother from dying. The only thing she could do was live for today. To _feel_ for today. And _hope_ that the people that she had wronged would forgive her one day. But even if they didn't, she still needed to have _hope_ that tomorrow would be better than today. Suddenly, her mom's voice was in her head. _"I'm so proud of you, honey. I love you and I am always with you."_ Emily opened her eyes and for a split second, she saw Pam sitting of the couch next to her, just like she had on that New Year's Eve. Emily gave her a watery smile before she slowly faded away. _"I love you, mom",_ Emily thought back, knowing that wherever her mom was, she would hear.

~XXXXX~

Alison slowly pulled into her driveway, distracted by Jessica in the back seat playing with the maracas that Jason and Aria had bought her, justifying it as she _"needed to start building her musical ability to increase her intelligence."_ Alison was cursing them in her head for the racket those things were making. She had left Dr. Sullivan's office with a headache, which only increased after seeing Emily leaving RHS this afternoon. The rest of the day, Alison's mind swirled with thoughts of what Emily was doing there. _Did she go there to see me? Or did she want to get her job back?_ Alison remembered the lengths she went to persuade Principal Hackett to not hire a permanent replacement for the brunette, stating that she was just away for a few months and would be back before Christmas. That had been high hopes, but it had worked. Principal Hackett agreed to only hire a long term sub for her Phys. Ed. classes. Unfortunately, he did have to hire a new swim coach for the season, who was once a star swimmer at Rosewood and went on to swim at Stamford, Paige McCullers. When Alison had heard that Paige was hired, she almost lost her mind. She always _hated_ Paige, but for no other reason than that she had her lips on Emily's first. She was so jealous that when she saw that video, she wanted to smash her computer screen.

But now that Emily was back, Alison wasn't quite sure of her decision to fight so hard for Emily. She had thought that she would have _called_ her at some point, but she never did. And that hurt her more than anything. Alison took a deep breath and got out of the car and walked around to the back driver's seat. She made a mental note to "hide" those maracas tonight after Jessica went to bed. She took Jessica and placed her down on the ground as she gathered her school bag and Jessica's diaper bag from the back passenger seat. Jessica began toddling towards the house before Alison noticed her pace pick up.

"Momma!" Jessica cried as she hurried toward the porch.

Alison's head shot out of the car and for the second time that day, Alison's heart stopped. Sitting on her porch, holding a beautiful winter bouquet, was the brunette who she couldn't get out of her head all week. Alison quickly finished gathering everything as she walked around the car and to the porch.

"Hi baby! You've gotten so big! I've missed you!" Emily said as she scooped the little girl up into her arms and swung her around. She held on tightly as she breathed in her scent of baby shampoo. Emily wanted to remember that smell forever. It was what she missed most about the young girl while being away. Emily placed a kiss on her forehead before she looked up at Alison, standing awkwardly in the middle of the walkway. She placed Jessica back down on the ground. Emily's breath got caught in her throat. _God, she looks stunning_. Alison had always had a great body, but she looked like she had been working out lately. Her waist and face both looked slimmer than the last time she saw the blonde. "Hi, Alison."

For a split second, Alison's mind went completely blank, as her walls crumbled slightly. Standing before her was a woman who _looked_ like _her_ Emily. Her skin had been darkened by the sun and even through her heavy winter clothes, Alison could tell she had been working out again. Alison noted that her eyes looked alive, something they hadn't looked like since Jessica's adoption party. _She just looks healthy,_ Alison thought to herself, fighting off her smile that she didn't want Emily to see. Instead, she clenched her jaw as her walls fortified once again. "Emily, what are you doing here?" Alison looked completely unamused by Emily's presence.

Emily's heart sank at Alison's demeanor. She knew Alison well enough to know that she wasn't going to make this easy on her. However, it didn't make it sting any less. Emily held out the bouquet in front of her. "These are for you." Emily smiled shyly, but Alison ignored her and brushed past the brunette. She grabbed Jessica's hand to take her into the house. Emily's heart rate sped up, not wanting Alison to disappear into the house. "Ali, wait! Please!" Alison froze at the sound of her nickname. The way it rolled off of Emily's tongue made her spine tingle, but she had to stay strong right now. Emily didn't have the right to just come waltzing back into their lives like nothing happened. She tightened her jaw and turned around and gazed upon saddened brown eyes. "Look, I'm sorry for everything. I know I hurt you, and I hurt Jessica. I never meant to do it. But I'm back now."

Alison cut her off. "Eight months! Eight months without a phone call, without a text, without a _god damned_ letter, Emily!" Emily flinched back. She knew that she had handled it all wrong. But like she learned, she couldn't change the past. She could only look to the future. "I didn't even know where you _were_!" Even though Hanna had told Alison exactly where she was, Alison wanted to lay the guilt on thick. She wanted Emily to feel bad about not calling and she wanted the brunette to feel even a fraction of the pain that she felt. "I just knew you were in another state, away from your family!" Angry tears began to well in her eyes as she remembered back to those first few days without the brunette. The house had felt so cold and empty. It still did without Emily there.

 _"_ _Alison?" Spencer said softly as she slowly opened the bedroom door. She had been over for most of the day, and every day for the past three days since Jessica's party. She had been a godsend to Alison. For the past couple of months, Alison had been feeling pretty good, everything with Emily aside. After trying numerous medications, she finally found an antidepressant that worked for her and she was seeing Dr. Sullivan three times per week. Most of her sessions revolved around Emily, but Alison always felt better after talking about everything, no matter how difficult it was. Alison knew that Emily was struggling and she wished that Emily would have sought some sort of help before a few days ago, before it got so bad. The events that took place at Jessica's party felt like a thousand knives to Alison's heart. She never in a million years thought that Emily would act how she did or say the things that she said. She knew that Emily was hurting, and she cursed herself that she didn't see how badly until that day. Alison looked up to see the tall brunette standing in the doorway holding a wiggling Jessica in her arms. "She's a little fussy and I think she just wants her Mommy," Spencer cooed as she made her way over to the bed._

 _Reluctantly, Alison sat up and took the one year old into her arms and hugged her close. Jessica immediately put her head down on Alison's shoulder and started sucking her thumb. Alison rubbed her hand up and down Jessica's back, trying to soothe her to sleep. Alison looked at the clock and noticed that it was about an hour passed her bed time. Alison frowned to herself, because honestly, she couldn't remember the last time she was out of bed that day. In fact, she had spent most of the last four days curled up under the blankets. It had all seemed like such a blur since she had fallen apart on the living room floor after Emily caused a scene and stormed off. For four days, she just wanted to go back to the day that Jessica was born. Back to when Emily had promised to always be there and hadn't yet broken that promise. To a time before Alison's post-partum depression put so much stress and strain on Emily. She especially wanted to go back to before Pam collapsed, before the fire in her love's chocolate eyes was extinguished._

 _Alison felt the bed dip beside her and she looked up to find Spencer sitting on the edge of the bed next to her and Jessica. Alison met her eyes and could see the worry written all over Spencer's face. She took a deep breath. "Thank you." She kept her voice low to not disturb Jessica and reached out her hand to take Spencer's in her own. She gave the brunette an appreciative, albeit small, smile._

 _Spencer squeezed Alison's hand and smiled back. "No thanks needed. I'm here for whatever you need. I know we've had our differences in the past, but over the past few months, I've seen how much you have changed. I see how much love you have for Emily and for Jessica. I see the passion you have for teaching and I see the fight in you when life just keeps trying to break you. You are one of the strongest people that I know, and I know if anyone can get through this, you can."_

 _Alison felt a newfound energy at Spencer's words that she hadn't felt in days. If someone like Spencer Hastings, who some would argue was one of the hardest people to win back once you've screwed them over, believed in her, then she needed to believe in herself, as well. She made a solemn promise to be better, if not for herself, then for her daughter. She carefully swung her legs off of the bed and stood up with Jessica asleep in her arms. She turned to Spencer and held her finger out in front of her, silently asking the brunette to give her a minute. Spencer nodded and Alison headed to the nursery to put Jessica down. She headed back into the bedroom and noticed Spencer hadn't moved since she left. She slowly made her way back to the bed and sat back down. "Would you be able to watch Jessica tomorrow, please? I didn't have the energy to go see Dr. Sullivan on yesterday, but I really think I need to go see her tomorrow."_

 _Spencer gave Alison a genuine smile. "I think that's a great idea. I would love to spend some more time with Jessica."_

Since then, Alison had been diligent about making every appointment and had poured all of her efforts into being the best version of herself that she could be. With Emily not around, Alison knew that Jessica needed her more than ever, and she was determined to be the best person she could be, for herself, for Jessica, and she hoped, one day for Emily. But in this moment, she didn't _want_ to be the best version of herself. Alison just wanted Emily to feel the pain that she had felt for all those months alone. And she could see that her words were getting to Emily.

Emily's shoulders slumped. "I know. And I'm sorry. I can't change my actions from the past, but I can try to make it up to you, Ali. And that's all I want to do. I just want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you and Jessica." This interaction was not going the way that Emily had hoped. _What did you think would happen? She would welcome you back with open arms after dropping off the face of the Earth for eight months?!_ Emily cursed herself internally for being so stupid and getting her hopes up. She knew Alison better than that and knew that the blonde would want her to feel as bad as she had felt without Emily there.

One single, solitary tear escaped Alison's eye, but she quickly wiped it away, hoping Emily wouldn't see. She had failed, however, and Emily's heart broke at the thought of her actions causing Alison so much pain. Alison had been waiting for this day for months, but now that it was here, she couldn't find any of the words that she wanted to say to Emily. "You can start by making it up to Jessica. I'm not ready to let you back in, but she deserves to have her other mother in her life."

Emily fought back the tears that were stinging the backs of her eyes. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but it seemed almost impossible. "When can I see her?" Emily managed to croak out, her voice sounding shattered.

Alison clenched her jaw to fight back any more tears from falling. She didn't want Emily to see how hard this was for her. For months, she could only imagine seeing Emily again. She imagined the nights they would spend together, cuddled on the couch, or the days they would spend with Jessica at the park, just being a family. All she wanted was Emily to come _home_. But now that she was here, she realized that her heart was still too raw to face the brunette. She couldn't even look at the woman standing at the foot of the stairs, so she just looked over at Jessica, who was smiling seeing her Momma again for the first time in eight months. "You can come by on Saturday before her nap. She goes down at one." Alison turned around and walked into the house.

Emily stood there, unable to move, with the bouquet down at her side. Her heart was breaking even more than she thought it could, but she only had herself to blame. After a few minutes, a breeze picked up and sent a rush of cold air down to her bones. She quickly shook herself out of her daze and looked down at the flowers in her hand. She sighed as she took a few steps forward and placed them on the railing of the porch. She took one last look and the house before she climbed back in her car and made her way back to Hanna's loft.

 **A/N 2: So what did you all think? Was that how you expected their first encounter to go? How do you guys think that Saturday will go? Let me know in the comments! Sorry this one is a little shorter, but I promise that as long as life doesn't throw me a curve ball the rest of the week, you guys will get another update on Friday. Have a great week everyone!**


	6. Rock Bottom

**A/N: Happy Friday guys! So after I posted on Tuesday, I really thought that Emily and Jessica's "playdate" was the next chapter, but then I realized we actually had one in between, so here it is! You guys have been patient with my teasers about the "infamous party" and you finally get rewarded! (a little bit) So at the end is the flashback of the aftermath of the party and Emily's perspective of what happened after and how she** **realized** **that she needed help. So the flashback ends basically right before she's knocking on Hanna's door. You guys will get the rest of the party next chapter! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this so far, I love, love, love hearing from you guys. And even the guest reviewers, you guys are awesome. And to the guest reviewer who said that they thought this fic deserved more recognition: thank you so much for that, I'm flattered. When I started writing, I honestly didn't think anyone would read it, so it's truly humbling to hear that you guys are really enjoying this. So thank you to everyone, again. I've had a rough couple of days emotionally, but honestly, just hearing from you guys and reading your comments really helps to lift my mood and bring a smile to my face. So again, thank you for that. Anyway, I feel like a broken record, so I'll let you guys get to reading. See you at the bottom!**

"Nice flowers. Who are they from?" Spencer asked over her coffee mug as Alison made her way into the kitchen after her morning run.

Alison ignored her question as she went into the fridge and poured herself a glass of water. It was a cold morning and her cheeks were flushed from the wind, which Alison was grateful for because Spencer wouldn't be able to see the blush creeping up her face. Alison tried not to look at the bouquet adorning the center of the kitchen island, but when she had found them out on the porch the previous night, she couldn't bring herself to throw them away, much like everything else's that was Emily's in the house. As much as she wanted to, Alison couldn't find it in herself to get rid of Emily's things, even if it was just to box them away into storage. It just all felt too _permanent_ , and Alison wasn't ready for that. _Maybe_ that's _why I haven't moved on,_ Alison thought to herself. "Thanks for coming, as always, Spence." For the past few months, Alison had been waking up early and running. It helped to keep her anxiety and depression at bay, plus it was great for clearing her head. She loved the feeling of her muscles burning. And, her body was becoming more fit and toned, which she had to admit was a nice side effect. Not that she had anyone she wanted to show off to, but it made her feel good about herself.

Spencer had been kind enough to come and have her morning coffee at the DiLaurentis household during the week to be there in case Jessica woke up early, which rarely ever happened. She didn't mind, she was up early anyway and usually had two cups of coffee while reading the newspaper before she even took a shower, so it didn't really matter to here where she did her routine. She was glad to be helping out Alison over these past few months. Spencer had seen a complete change in Alison since she began running. The blonde was starting to come into her own, finding her place in life as a single mother and she seemed to be thriving. Spencer knew that Alison still loved Emily, but she was glad to see that Alison was taking care of _herself,_ first and foremost.

Alison continued to move around the kitchen, preparing her lunch and getting Jessica's breakfast together before she went up to take a shower. When she noticed that Spencer hadn't gotten up to leave, she looked over at the brunette, still sitting at the kitchen island, staring at the blonde with one eyebrow raised in question. "What?" Alison asked.

Spencer just smirked. "Are you going to tell me who the flowers are from?" Spencer's smirk never left her face. She knew who they were from. And as much as Spencer was mad at her for what she put the blonde and Jessica through, she hoped that Emily and Alison could work their shit out and be together again. When Spencer first found out about Emily dating Alison, she never thought that she and Alison would be as close as they are now. At first, Spencer wasn't thrilled to be moving in next door to the blonde, but after everything happened with the accident and then helping Emily with the adoption, the three of them began to grow close. Once Jessica was born, Spencer would drop by periodically to see how they were doing. Spencer loved little Jessica to death. She had always wanted kids of her own, but was too busy running the law firm for a relationship at the moment. Jessica satisfied her baby craving, with the added bonus that she could return her to her moms when she was done.

Spencer had noticed the struggles that the two women were facing, and at first, just wanted to be there for Emily, but after the debacle that was Jessica's first birthday party, she felt awful for Alison and what she went through. Spencer had been there when Pam was in the hospital, stopping in every once in a while to see if the women needed anything. She saw Alison deteriorate over time. She saw Emily break over the loss of her mother. But she also saw Alison pull herself out of it. She knew that the blonde had sought help for her depression, but by that time, Emily had already started drinking. Spencer admired Alison for getting help. She had only wished that Emily would have done the same. She watched for a half a year as Emily slowly lost herself to alcohol. She felt bad for Alison and became concerned for Jessica, so she began to stop by more often over time. Spencer was there with Alison at Jessica's party when Emily drunkenly showed up, instantly ruining it for everyone with the hatred she spit at Alison. She had been the one to console a hysterical Alison while Emily walked away from her family.

"I, uh, saw them at the store, and I thought they were pretty…" Alison stated, trying to cover the uncertainty in her voice, hoping Spencer wouldn't question it as she pulled produce from the fridge to make herself a salad for her lunch.

"Bullshit," Spencer called her out on her blatant lie.

Alison internally groaned to herself. She cursed herself for trying to pull one over on Spencer. She should have known better. She wasn't as good of a liar as she once was before Emily came into her life, but she should have known that Spencer was like a human lie detector. Very rarely did anyone get a lie past her undetected, which was what made her such an amazing attorney. "Fine, she was here last night! Waiting on the porch when we pulled in."

Spencer raised her eyebrow questioningly. "What did she want?" Spencer was cautious with her question, not being able to gauge Alison's feelings about Emily showing up as the blonde had her back to her cutting up some fruit for Jessica's breakfast when she awoke.

Alison finished chopping up the bananas and strawberries before grabbing a bowl to place them into. She then grabbed a slice of bread and put it into the toaster, ready to toast it once she brought Jessica down for her breakfast. She sighed before turning around and resting her hip against the counter, her arms crossed against her chest as if she was trying to protect herself from the words about the fall from her mouth. "She, she came to apologize, I guess." Her eyes flicked to the flowers and then back to Spencer. "She brought me those, she knows they are my favorite." A small smiled tugged at the corners of her mouth, but she quickly pulled them down. "She said she wanted to make the past up to me."

Spencer sat there and took in the words that Alison was speaking. She could tell by the blonde's eyes that she was incredibly conflicted by Emily showing up unannounced like she did. "What did you say?"

Alison huffed before pushing off the counter and heading back to the fridge, grabbing a yogurt cup and throwing it into her lunch bag before portioning out some berry granola into a small baggie. "I told her she could see Jessica, but I wasn't ready to let her back in." Alison could feel her emotions begin to rise to the surface, so she took three calming breaths and turned back around to face Spencer.

"So, you are going to let her see Jessica?" Spencer asked.

"She's as much her daughter as she is mine, Spence. If she _wants_ to see her, I'm not going to stop her. I told her she could come over tomorrow morning and spend a couple of hours with her." Alison walked over to the coffee machine and poured herself a mug, before walking over and sitting across from the brunette at the kitchen table.

"You know, she came to see me yesterday at the office." Alison quirked an eyebrow at her friend over the rim of her mug, silently questioning for the brunette to explain further. "I have to admit, she looked good. She looked, _healthy_."

"Yeah, she did," Alison breathed out as she took a sip from her mug and let the warm liquid slip down her throat. Alison thought back to the previous day. Emily _had_ looked better than Alison had seen her in the months leading up to Jessica's birthday. She reminded her of the Emily that she had fallen in love with. A sad smile flashed across her face and Spencer caught it right away.

"Do you still love her, Ali?"

Alison stared into her coffee cup, like it was a magic eight ball and she was waiting for the answer to make itself known to her. "I'll always love her. She believed in me when no one else did. She showed me that I am worthy of love. She gave me some of the best months of my life, and I will always love and appreciate her for that."

Spencer gently placed her hand on top of Alison's. "That's not what I was asking. Are you still _in_ love with her?"

Alison could feel her emotions bubbling toward the surface again, but this time, she wasn't able to breathe through them. Tears began streaming down her face. "I've always been _in_ love with her, since we were kids, Spence! After everything that's happened and everything she put us through, there isn't a day that goes by that my heart doesn't _ache_ for her. That my body doesn't _crave_ her touch," Alison cried.

Spencer looked at Alison, confused with her brow furrowed. "What do you mean since you were kids? I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you weren't very nice to her in high school." Spencer gave Alison's hand a reassuring squeeze, hoping that the blonde wouldn't freak out over bringing up such a hard part of her life.

Alison continued to stare into the black liquid. She had never told anyone other than Emily what she was about to say, and honestly, she was feeling slightly embarrassed by it. "When we had our, _encounter_ , that first day, she told me I was beautiful." I slight smile beginning to form on pale lips, she continued. "I don't think she meant to say it, at all, but she was the first person that ever told me that who I believed they meant it." Her smile fading quickly, more tears began to slide down her cheeks. "It scared me, what I was feeling, so I pushed everything down. I wasn't the one to _start_ the rumors, but I certainly didn't do anything to stop them. The hurt in her eyes killed me and every day I had to fight the urge to run to her and hold her and tell her everything would be ok." Alison grabbed a napkin from the middle of the table and wiped her eyes. "I thought about her every day, even after she left. _More so_ after she left. I found her on social media and I just watched her. I watched as she made friends in Texas. I watched as she became the star swimmer. I watched as the smile returned to her beautiful face." Her own smile tugged at her lips, thinking about how _happy_ Emily had seemed in Texas. "I watched as _her boyfriend_ began to have his hands all over her in pictures. That's when I couldn't take it anymore. I had to stop looking. I _had_ to move on. I _thought_ that I had, but once she started working at Rosewood High and we met again, I knew in an instant that I never _stopped_ loving her. And I haven't, even to this day. I don't think I ever will."

"Wow," Spencer breathed out as unshed tears threatened to spill from her own eyes. "I know that you may not be ready to hear this, but I hope that you guys can work through this. I've seen the love that you two have for each other, and long after you two are gone from this earth, your story _will_ live on, through Jessica and any others who may come along." Alison squeezed Spencer's hand and she gave the blonde a sad smile. "You guys are perfect for each other. I have _never_ seen two people more in love than the two of you. This is all just a bump in the road."

Alison sniffled as she wiped more tears from her eyes. "I can't get hurt again, Spence. I can't watch her leave again."

"I know, Ali." Spencer looked at the clock and stood before putting her jacket on. Alison brought her gaze to meet Spencer's. "You know, she's trying, Ali. I think she genuinely feels bad for what happened and she wants to make it right. She asked me to be her sponsor yesterday when she came by and I agreed." Both women looked over to the baby monitor as babbles from baby Jessica floated into the kitchen around them. Alison had a smile on her face listening to the one and a half year old entertain herself in her crib as she turned back to Spencer. "She called me last night. She didn't tell me she came here, but I could hear the hurt in her voice. You're the one she wants to spend her life with. She still loves you."

Tears glistened in Alison's eyes. "Is that _enough_ , though?"

Spencer just sighed as she headed out the side door. She reached for the door handle, but turned around before walking across the threshold. "Maybe not, but you'll never know if you don't try. Just think about it, Ali." With that, Spencer closed the door behind her and headed back towards her own yard. Alison stood frozen in her kitchen for a few more seconds, staring at the ceiling trying to ebb yet _another_ flow of tears that threatened to fall. After a few deep breaths, she composed herself before she headed up to the nursery.

~XXXXX~

"Hi, Emily. My name is Dr. Pakowski. How are you today?" The man who greeted Emily in the waiting room looked to be in his mid-fifties, with wire rimmed glasses sitting on his nose, a white head of hair on top of his head and a salt-and-pepper beard adorning his round face. Emily chuckled to herself as he held a slight resemblance to the man in red who would deliver presents on Christmas. He stuck out his hand for Emily to shake as they headed back into his office.

"I'm doing good today, thank you," Emily said as she released his hand and took a seat on the leather couch in the middle of the nicely-sized office. It wasn't quite as nice as Dr. Leonard's office back in the rehab facility, but it was nice nonetheless.

Dr. Pakowski took a sit across from Emily and opened a manila folder that Emily assumed to be her file. "Dr. Leonard briefly caught me up to speed with you and I know bits and pieces of the important stuff." He closed the folder and grabbed his notepad and pen. "Tell me first, how does it feel to be back home? Have you been adjusting ok to your old life?"

As much as Emily was hesitant to find a new therapist, sitting there in that office in front of Dr. Pakowski settled Emily's nerves greatly. It had been almost five days since she had really spoken to anyone, and she realized now that she missed it. She missed having a safe space to vent her frustrations and her fears. Someone who she could be one hundred percent honest with and wouldn't judge her or yell at her. "It actually feels a little weird, being back here."

"How so?" The older mad asked as he scribbled something down onto his notepad. At first, it was weird watching someone continuously take notes as you spoke to them, but Emily had gotten used to it and wasn't fazed by it anymore.

Emily blew out a breath. "I don't know, I guess it kind of feels like I'm starting over? I feel like this is a fresh start. I feel that I can go back and try to make things work this time by not shutting everyone out."

"In a way this is a fresh start. You aren't the same person as when you left. You are a much stronger and healthier version of yourself." Dr. Pakowski assured.

Emily sat forward in the couch. "No, I mean from before. When I originally left here in high school. I had shut _so_ many people out of my life, my parents, my friends, and I just pushed everything down inside and acted like it didn't bother me. For so long, I just pushed all the pain away until I didn't _feel_ anymore." Emily could see Dr. Pakowski taking notes. When he was finished, he looked up at her expectantly. Emily took the hint and continued. "Once I ran into Alison again, my whole world changed." Emily couldn't help the smile crossing her face as she talked about the beginning of her and Alison's relationship. About the butterflies that constantly sent her stomach crazy. The sweaty palms she would constantly be wiping on her jeans because she was _that_ nervous around the blonde. "She was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I started to feel again, and truly live life again. I was _happy_ again. For the first time in almost 12 years that I could remember, I was so, _so_ happy."

"What happened, Emily?"

A frown crossed over Emily's face as she thought about those dreadful months following Jessica's adoption party. Emily cleared her throat and sunk deeper into the couch. She had been through the events of that day and following so many times with Dr. Leonard, and even though it got a little easier each time, it was still a tough subject for the brunette. "After the birth of our daughter, my girlfriend battled with post-partum depression, but we didn't know that's what it was until about six months after she was born. I adopted Jessica when she was four months old and we had a party at our house. My mom collapsed at the party from an aneurysm. She was on life support for about a month. I went up there every single day. Every day I would go to work, go to swim practice, come home and cook dinner and clean, put Jessica to bed and then head up to the hospital."

"Where was Alison?" Dr. Pakowski asked as he made himself more comfortable in his chair.

"She was home, but she rarely had the energy to do anything. It was a blessing that she even got out of bed to go to work most days. By the time she got home, she would usually change into sweats and either crawl into bed right away or lay on the couch for the night." Emily always hated talking about Alison like that because she felt like she was badmouthing her, but Dr. Leonard had helped her to see that it wasn't badmouthing so much as it was explaining the situation that they were in. He had made her realize eventually that it wasn't anyone's _fault_ , it was just how their life had worked out at the time.

"So you felt like all the responsibility fell to you?" The doctor readjusted the glasses on his nose.

"Yeah, I felt like she could barely take care of herself, how was she supposed to take care of an infant who relied on her for _everything_? We had a friend who lived next door who would come help us, but she worked long hours and it wasn't her responsibility. It fell to Alison and me. And in the end, it fell on me. The doctors told me that my mom had a next to nothing chance of ever recovering and the longer she was on the machines the less likely it would be for her to wake up, but I still held out hope. But after a month or so, I couldn't take it anymore. The constant running back and forth from work to home to the hospital. Doing it all day in and day out. I was so exhausted by everything, I just wanted my life back. I felt like I was a walking zombie. My body hurt, my head hurt, my heart hurt. As next of kin, I had to make the decision to take my mom off of life support." A tear fell down Emily's cheek as she thought back to that gut wrenching day.

"Did you ever tell Alison how you felt?" Dr. Pakowski grabbed the box of tissues next to him and held it out for Emily to take.

Emily laughed to herself as she took a tissue. "How could I? I knew she was struggling. How was I supposed to crumble and fall apart when she wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces?"

"So what did you do?" Dr. Pakowski was quickly learning just how protective Emily was by nature. In just the few short minutes, he could see how much she took on by herself and how responsible she felt for the people that relied on her.

"I just kept going. But I struggled every day. After a couple of months, I was still in so much pain from losing my mom and Alison's struggles that I turned to alcohol. At first, I used it to try and numb all the pain that I was feeling, but eventually, I became so numb to _everything_ , that I needed to be drunk just to feel _something_." Emily wasn't proud of the fact that she let everything get that far, but at the time, she didn't know what else to do. She was just so extremely thankful that she had never killed anyone or gotten pulled over on her way home from the bar.

"Tell me about the moment you realized you needed help." Dr. Pakowski held out the tissue box again as tears continued to fall down Emily's face.

Emily took about four tissues from the box and placed them next to her on the couch. She was probably going to need more than that to get through this, but she wanted to have faith in herself that she could be strong and not turn into an uncontrollable mess. She played with the tissues in her hand before she closed her eyes and began retelling one of the worst moments of her life. "It was Jessica's first birthday party. I had been drinking pretty steadily for about 5 months. Alison and I had gotten into a fight beforehand about my drinking and I stormed off to the bar. I came home in the middle of it and things… things just got out of hand…" She wiped the tears from her jawline and clenched her fists at her side. That moment would forever haunt her dreams.

 _Emily stood there, tears flowing down her cheeks, staring at the grass with her fists clenched into balls at her sides. She couldn't believe what had just happened. Had she_ really _just hit Alison? She never meant to, no matter how mad she was. Alison didn't deserve to be_ physically _hurt. But she had done it._ Why? _And in front of all their friends? Emily felt the need for air become overwhelming, but she felt like she couldn't breathe. Her chest was constricting as she felt her heart shatter at Alison's words replaying in her head. She turned to walk away, she needed to get away as fast as she could. She was beginning to feel and the pain was becoming too much. She needed more alcohol. She had just made it passed the sidewalk, when she heard someone run up behind her._

 _"Hey!" Jason called out as he spun Emily around, causing her to almost lose her balance. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Emily?!" Jason's eyes were wide, searching Emily's for some sort of answer or explanation, but Emily couldn't find one. She had spiraled out of control and didn't know how to fix it. All she ever felt was pain, and it was driving her mad. She just wanted to be_ normal _again. When Emily stood there refusing to answer, he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Get your shit together, Emily! Alison and Jessica deserve_ so _much better than you!" Jason yelled as he turned and headed back towards his sister's home._

 _Emily turned back around and continued on her journey, tears staining the sidewalk as she made her way to closest liquor store, knowing full well the bar wasn't going to let her back in after they kicked her out earlier. After buying a bottle of Jack Daniels, she headed to the only place she could think of at the moment, the_ kissing rock _. She and Alison had gone there after they had spent their first night together and had been several times since. They had dubbed it "their spot". When they went for walks, they would often come out here and just_ be _with each other, enjoying the quiet of each other's company. Now, though, it felt cold and lonely without Alison. Emily quickly twisted the top off and took a large swig of the amber liquid, feeling the burn as it hit her throat. She wanted to feel numb again, but with every swig, the pain only intensified and new tears spilled down her cheeks, so she continued to try, hoping she would eventually drown her sorrows. She continued until a little over half the bottle was gone and the pain still hadn't lessened. A thought crossed her mind that instead of drowning her sorrows, that she should just drown herself. That thought caused her heart and stomach to clench at the same time. She screamed and threw the bottle into the small lake, before collapsing onto the ground while sobs wracked her body. Thunder rumbled in the distance, but Emily was too consumed by her own guilt and pain to notice it. Eventually, fat rain drops began to fall from the sky, but by that point, Emily had already passed out, a combination of exhaustion and alcohol._

 _She woke up soaking wet a few hours later. It was dark and the only light was from the occasional flash of lightening. Her clothes were soaked and muddy, and she had twigs and leaves in her hair, but it didn't matter. None of it mattered. Only one thing did, and that was Alison and Jessica. She made her way back into town, slipping and falling a few times due to being so hung-over, or maybe still drunk, but she knew where she needed to go. She knew there was only one person who could help her, even if that person didn't want to see her. Fresh tears mixed with the rain as Emily made her way towards Hannah's loft. She knew that Alison and Jessica deserved better than what she was giving them. She made a promise to herself as she walked the wet streets of Rosewood that the next time Alison had heard from her, she would be sober, and would be back to the Emily that Alison had fallen in love with. She was determined to win Alison back._

 **A/N 2: Crazy, huh? That was truly Emily's lowest point, and I think she scared herself with her thoughts and that prompted her to get up and go seek help. Also, what did you guys think of Alison's question to Spencer? Do you think the fact that they** ** _love_** **each other is enough? I know there are probably a lot of you who don't like this Emily, and after reading this probably like her even less, but I'm hoping that I can redeem her in all your guys' eyes. Lol, as she tries to win Alison back, I'm trying to win you guys back, it's very poetic, haha. Anyway, please, as always, let me know what you think. I'm going to try to stick to this Tuesday/Friday upload schedule, so I will be back next week with the rest of the party** ** _plus_** **Emily's visit with Jessica. Next week is going to be a rollercoaster, honestly, so prepare yourselves! Have a great weekend everyone!**


	7. On The Rocks

**A/N: Happy Tuesday everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend and a good start to your week! So here is the first half of the birthday party. You'll see what exactly happened between Emily and Alison before Emily stormed off and headed to the kissing rock. As always, thanks so much for the support with this fic. It means a lot. Happy reading and I'll see you at the bottom!**

 _"_ _Em, can you please try to control your drinking today?" Alison asked hesitantly. Emily had been drinking far more heavily as the months had gone on and she was already rummaging through the liquor cabinet at 11 a.m. She would often leave after school and head straight for the bar, some nights not coming home until 10 or 11 p.m. Alison began to grow concerned because she would stumble through the door and barely be able to make it upstairs, but would still be able to wake up and go to work the following day. That was her routine at_ least _three of the five work days. The weekends seemed to be a free for all for the brunette. She would usually sleep in and make her way downstairs to play with Jessica for a little while after the tiny brunette had her breakfast. Nine times out of ten, Emily would make her first drink once Alison took Jessica to put her down for her nap. She would usually have two to three more drinks throughout the day, but once Jessica was down for the night, she would usually double her alcohol consumption. She would be too drunk to make it to the bar, so she would stay home and drink the night away, instead._

 _It was only when she was that drunk would she show Alison any sort of affection. Emily had always been a bit hands-y when she was drunk, but after Pam had passed away, Emily had stopped showing any sort of love or affection towards the blonde. It was like Emily_ needed _to feel numb to even_ think _about Alison in that way. It made Alison feel awful, but deep down inside, she knew Emily was hurting. At first, she would usually try to distract Emily when she got so touchy feely, but flashbacks from Elliott at the end would often cloud her mind and she didn't want Emily to turn into him. Emily had been the complete opposite of Elliott when they first started dating, and Alison had fallen in love with the brunette because of that. Now, however, she was afraid that Emily was going to turn into him. So she eventually started giving in to what Emily wanted, but the brunette would roll over with her back facing Alison afterwards. It was during those times that Alison flashed back to that night. That night that brought her beloved baby girl into this world. Alison told herself in her mind that she_ allowed _Emily to do this, so it was different than with Elliott. It was the only way that Alison could get through it and face her life at the moment. There was no intimacy between them and there hadn't been for months. At first, it was because of Alison's depression. But Alison was doing well now because she had found a medication that worked for her, along with counseling. She just wished that_ her _Emily would come back to her._

 _"_ _What are you saying, Ali?" Emily spit out her nickname, dripping with sarcasm._

 _Alison rolled her eyes. She wasn't in the mood for Emily's bullshit. She just wanted to get through the day and everything to go smoothly. "I'm just saying, can you wait until everyone leaves before you get wasted today?"_

 _Emily dropped her jaw in disbelief. "What does_ that _mean?"_

 _"_ _I just want everything to go smoothly today. All our friends and family will be here, so can you please just stay sober? I would ask for me, but I'm not sure how much weight that holds with you anymore, so I'm asking for your daughter._ Please _, Em."_

 _Emily stared down at the floor, her fists clenched at her sides and her nostrils flaring in anger. Alison could see the flush in her cheeks and could hear her breathing heavily through her nose. "Not_ ALL _our family is going to be here, Ali!_ BOTH _my parents are dead! They will never see their granddaughter grow up!" Emily felt the hot tears beginning to form behind her eyes. She willed with everything in her power not to let them fall, not in front of Alison at least. She was so fed up with everything in her life, she just wanted the pain to go away._

 _Alison took a breath to try and calm herself before stepping closer to Emily. She mentally slapped herself for bringing this topic up, but she figured that the brunette would have been greeting the first of their guests drunk if she didn't. She hesitantly reached forward, but stopped when she noticed Emily lean away from her. Inside, her heart was breaking at what they had become, but she needed to stay strong. "I know this is hard, but you have to move on. You have Jessica and myself here for you. Right in front of you." Alison's face was soft, almost pleading as she spoke. She regretted pushing Emily and she knew the brunette was on the verge of flying off the handle. He was hoping that she could bring her back and they would be able to fake their way through this day as a happy couple._

 _Emily's eyes shot up and her eyes met Alison's for the first time in what seemed like months. They were almost black with rage. "I don't have my mom here because of you! She could have come out of that coma!_ She could have been here _!" The words flew out of her mouth so fast she couldn't stop them if she tried. Not that she wanted to. She had so much emotion pent up inside her towards Alison that it felt good to let it all out. She didn't even care what effect those words had on her girlfriend. She wanted Alison to be hurting as much as she was._

 _Alison took a step back in shock at Emily's words. She knew Emily had some pent up rage, but this was the first time that Emily flat out_ blamed _Alison for Pam's passing. "Em, the doctors said she had too much brain damage and the chances of her waking up were_ incredibly _small."_

 _"_ _But there was hope! There was still a chance! But I couldn't be there for her_ and _still take care of you and Jessica! If only you could have taken care of yourself!" Emily was seeing nothing but red now and the words that had been floating around in her head were finally out in the open. Emily thought that it would help to get them out there, but her pain didn't lessen even the tiniest bit._

 _Emily's words cut through Alison's heart like a butcher knife. She had allowed Elliott to physically hurt her, but she never loved him, so his words never hurt her. At least, not compared to the hurt that Emily's words had caused her. She felt tears prickling the backs of her eyes, but she refused to let Emily see the pain she was in. She did that with Elliott and he just laughed in her face. The effects of Emily doing that would be far more severe to the blonde. So she clenched her jaw and stared at the shell of the woman that she loved. "If just_ looking _at me makes you so angry, you can leave!" Alison didn't mean those words, but she needed to do something drastic to make Emily see how out of control she was. She never in a million years thought that Emily would leave them. Leave her family._ Her _Emily wouldn't have, but apparently_ this _one would, because she slammed the door to the liquor cabinet and stormed out of the house, slamming the front door on the way. Alison breathed five deep breaths, desperately trying to ebb the flow of tears that threatened to fall, as she continued setting up for her guests._

 _XXXXX_

 _"_ _You sure everything is ok with Em?" Spencer asked quietly as she sidled up next to Alison to help her with the cake._

 _"_ _Yeah, I told you. She just had to run for some ice," Alison answered without looking at the taller brunette._

 _Spencer gave her a questioning look. "Ali, the party's been going on for over an hour. How long does it take to get ice?"_

 _Alison sighed heavily as she turned to Spencer. She knew Spencer was too smart to believe her. She lived right next door to the couple and Alison knew Spencer suspected something was going on with Emily. She's sure Spencer had seen the tanned brunette stumble through the door before. "We got into a fight this morning. She stormed off."_

 _Spencer's eyes went wide. "Do you know where she went?"_

 _"_ _No, she won't answer my calls or my texts." Alison looked up at the ceiling and let out a huff, blinking away the tears that were yet again threatening to make their way down her cheeks._

 _Spencer put a hand on Alison's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Alison, what's been going on with her lately?" Spencer knew that something was up with Emily lately. Most night when she got home from working late, Emily's car wouldn't be in the driveway. It wasn't until she would go to bed when she would look out of the kitchen window and see that Emily had gotten home. Ever since Pam passed away, Emily hadn't been the same. She_ refused _to talk about it and would get mad if anyone brought it up._

 _Alison was really not in the mood to get into it with Spencer right now. She looked up at her with pleading eyes. "Not now, Spence, please?"_

 _Just then, they heard the screeching of tires and a loud crash coming from the front of the house. Both Alison and Spencer's heads shot up in the direction of the noise. Before she could even process, Alison's feet were flying across the hardwood and through the front door. She was stopped dead in her tracks by the sight on the front lawn. Emily's car was halfway on the grass and their mailbox was broken into several pieces underneath it. Emily was struggling to get out of the driver's seat._

 _"_ _Emily!" Alison yelled out as she ran towards the brunette, fear taking over as she remembered how lifeless Emily had looked in the car after Elliott had hit them. "Em! Are you okay?" Alison asked as she made it to the driver's side just as Emily had finally figured out the door handle and fell out onto the grass. Alison quickly helped Emily to her feet, but Emily shook her off once she regained her balance._

 _"_ _I'm fine, Alison," Emily spat as she drunkenly stumbled towards the backyard where the party was._

 _It was in that moment that Alison noticed the crowd that had formed because of the commotion. Alison felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment and she quickly caught up to Emily and grabbed her elbow to try and steer here away from the party before she could make ever_ more _of a scene. As she went to grab Emily, Emily quickly turned on her and stared her down. Alison didn't back down. She clenched her jaw tight as she spoke. "Emily, go inside,_ now _, you need to lie down. You smell like a distillery."_

 _Emily crossed her arms across her chest. She was swaying slightly on her feet due to the alcohol she had consumed at the bar. She would have consumed more if they hadn't have kicked her out. "It's_ my _daughter's birthday, I'm going to go enjoy the party."_

 _"_ _Em-" Emily had turned to leave, but Alison had grabbed her by the shoulder to try and spin her around. Emily, fed up with everything, swung her hand around with her and caught Alison in the cheek with the back of her hand. Alison yelped out in pain as she stumbled to the ground. She could hear a collective gasp from the crowd of people watching the train wreck that was their relationship. Spencer rushed to Alison's side, asking if she was ok. "I'm fine, Spence," Alison said while getting back to her feet. She looked at Emily, who she could tell hadn't meant to hit her, but stood there swaying on her feet none-the-less. "You know, Emily. You had me fooled. You convinced me that I was a good person. You convinced me that I could move on from my past. You convinced me that I deserved love and that I deserved better than Elliott. I guess the joke's on me, because apparently all I'll ever deserve is someone who drinks their days away and takes their shit out on_ me! _The difference between you and Elliott, though? I_ gave _you my heart to protect, I didn't give it to Elliott. I guess I should have kept it though, because you just shattered it into a million pieces. I'm sure your parents are_ so _proud of what_ their _daughter has become. I have_ my _daughter to think about now. And if you keep this up, I will take her from you and you will_ never _see her again!" Alison turned on her heel and headed inside. Spencer gave one final look to the brunette before following after Alison to make sure she was ok._

Alison's eyes shot open as she tried to steady her breathing in the dark. A layer of sweat coated her body, causing her night clothes and hair to stick to her, making her sweat even more. She had this dream, well, more of a flashback, at least once a month, but with Emily back now, Alison had experienced it every night since her return. She looked at the clock and noticed that it was a little after four thirty in the morning. Today was Saturday and she had told Emily that she could come and see Jessica today. Groaning, Alison got out of bed and stripped the soaking, sweaty sheets before stripping her own clothes and throwing them into the laundry basket. She headed into the bathroom and turned the taps on as hot as she could tolerate. She stepped inside the shower and hissed as the scalding hot water cascaded over her skin. She placed her palms flat against the shower wall and dropped her head on her shoulders, feeling the hot water melt away the tension from her dream. Once she was washed up, she quickly dried off and put clothes on before putting new sheets on her bed. Once that was complete, she headed downstairs to make herself some coffee and throw her dirty sheets and clothes into the washing machine.

By the time she was settled into the kitchen table with her cup of coffee, it was almost five thirty, which meant she still had over an hour until Jessica would be waking up. Alison was thankful for that, because she needed to sort through her feelings before Emily came over today. _IF she's still coming today_ , Alison thought to herself. She hated that she had to live the past eight months without Emily. She hated that she had been forced to raise Jessica as a single parent. But that was what life had given her at the moment. She was proud of how far she had come and she knew that her mother would be proud of her, also. That thought brought a slow smile to Alison's face as she sat back and enjoyed her coffee.

~XXXXX~

A few hours later, Alison was on the floor playing with Jessica when she heard the doorbell ring. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was 10:00 am. She hadn't really given Emily a specific time to come over, but she was surprised that she was there so early. Suddenly, her mouth went dry and her nerves began to take over at the thought of sharing a space with the brunette for possibly the next three hours. She slowly got up off the floor and headed into the foyer. She took a deep breath before reaching her hand out and turning the doorknob slowly.

Emily stood on the other side of the door, holding a single rose and a small toy for Jessica. "Hi…" she breathed out when Alison finally opened the door. The site of the blonde took Emily's breath away. She was just in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, but she looked absolutely stunning as her blue eyes glistened and her blonde hair fell around her shoulders in gentle waves. Emily always loved how Alison _always_ seemed to look incredible, even when she wasn't trying. She held out the rose. "This is for you," she said shyly.

Alison gave Emily a small smile. "Thanks. Um, come in," she said as she stepped aside and allowed Emily to enter the home that they once shared.

"I'm sorry if this is early, you just didn't give me a time and I have missed Jessica so much. I couldn't wait to see her. Or you," Emily ranted as she made her way further inside the home. It smelled of Alison one hundred percent and it made Emily's heart ache for the blonde.

Alison cleared her throat, trying her best to avoid responding to the end of Emily's rant. "It's fine, Jessica is in the living room playing. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me."

Emily's face dropped at Alison's words. She had hoped that Alison would at least sit with them, but she knew that Alison wasn't going to forgive her easily, if at all. _Just have faith,_ Emily said to herself. "Ok," Emily said weakly as she watched Alison head in the opposite direction towards the kitchen. She blew out a breath and headed into the living room. Her face immediately lit up though when she took in her daughter playing on the floor. "Hi baby girl!" Emily said as she entered the room.

Jessica immediately turned her head and got to her feet, reaching her arms out for Emily. "Momma! Momma!" She shouted as she toddled over to Emily.

Emily quickly kneeled down to her level and pulled the little girl in for a hug, holding her close as if this was the last time she would ever hug her again. Her eyes began to water as she turned her head into the little girl's neck and inhaling deeply, trying to memorize the smell of her. Once the little girl began to squirm, Emily pulled back and handed the small toy doll over to Jessica. "I got this for you, sweetie," Emily said as she ran her fingers through Jessica's soft, dark curls.

"Dollie!" Jessica squealed as she took the doll from Emily. "Pway wit me?" Jessica said as she pulled Emily over to the rest of her toys.

"Of course!" Emily laughed as she sat down on the ground across from the little girl.

Alison stood in the doorway to the kitchen, undetected by Emily or Jessica as she wiped the tears that had escaped down her face at watching the scene before her. Even though Emily wasn't her biological parent, Jessica and she shared a special bond that was just as close as biological parents and children share. Emily had been there from the very beginning and had basically been her main caregiver for the first eight or so months of her life while Alison struggled with her depression. Alison always carried around guilt for not bonding with Jessica as much as she should have at that time, but she was grateful that Emily was able to spend that time with her daughter. Watching Emily interact and play with Jessica only confirmed how much love Emily held for the tiny brunette.

She watched as Emily threw her head back in a laugh as Jessica crawled on top of her and tickled her and she had a flashback to that day at the Brew before their first date in Philly. Alison had a bout of morning sickness the day before, so she missed their morning coffee date. It was that morning that had really taken their relationship _beyond_ the walls of Rosewood High. Sure, they were already planning on seeing each other that night, but that morning that they shared in the Brew, was a morning that Alison would never forget.

 _They stayed like that for the next 2 hours, talking and laughing with each other, each enjoying another beverage; Emily's treat this time. Everything felt so easy between the two of them. Alison loved how beautiful Emily was when she laughed. Her laugh and smile were just so infectious, it could brighten an entire room. She decided right then and there that she was going to make it her mission to make sure that she makes Emily laugh every day, much like the brunette had made her laugh all those weeks ago when she really needed it._

Closing her eyes at the memory, she savored the sound of Emily's laugh as it floated through the living room and into the kitchen. Alison's ears hadn't heard that sweet sound since the morning of Jessica's adoption. It was in that moment, that Alison realized how far she had veered away from her mission. Her heart longed to hear Emily laugh like that again and again, but her head was telling her to keep her distance to keep her heart safe from any more hurt. Sighing, she pushed off the doorframe and headed back into the kitchen and through to the laundry room to pull the clothes and sheets from this morning out of the dryer. She was folding them on the kitchen table when Emily came hesitantly into the room with Jessica on her hip.

"Sorry to interrupt, but this little girl is hungry," Emily said as she tried to avoid eye contact with Alison.

"Oh, ok, just give me a sec and I can make her something," Alison said as she put the sheet she was folding down onto the table and began making her way towards the fridge.

Emily finally looked up and made eye contact with those blue eyes that she saw every time she closed her own. "Do you mind if I make it?" she asked hesitantly.

Alison stopped her movements and turned slowly towards Emily. She could see the pleading look in Emily's eyes as she waited for Alison's answer. "Sure," she shrugged before finishing folding up the sheet. Emily made her way towards the fridge as Alison through the clothes into the basket and headed out of the kitchen and up the stairs to the bedroom. She took her time putting the clothing away and by the time she came back down to the kitchen, Jessica was in her high chair enjoying her lunch of a cheese stick, deli style ham, a sliced apple and some baby cut carrots. One thing Alison couldn't deny to herself was how great of a mother Emily was. But Alison never doubted that for a second. She knew that from the moment they became an official couple that Emily was going to be the best mother that she could be to that little girl.

After about ten minutes, Jessica had finished all the food on her plate and was rubbing at her tired eyes. "Do you mind if I put her down?" Emily asked again, the pleading evident in her voice.

Alison sighed again. It had been strange having Emily in the house that morning and she wanted to just be alone with the thoughts that were swirling around in her head, but she always had trouble saying no to Emily. Her big doe eyes were always Alison's weakness. "You can put her down for her nap. Come here baby girl." Alison walked over to the high chair and pulled Jessica out. Emily had walked over to the sink to grab a wash cloth to wipe her hands and face down. When she was done, Emily took Jessica from Alison's arms and gave her a grateful smile. Alison cleaned up the high chair and sat with her thoughts for a few minutes before Emily returned to the kitchen.

"You have a picture of me next to her crib?" Alison was pulled from her thoughts by Emily's voice coming back into the room. Alison looked up and saw a sad smile on Emily's face, along with unshed tears in her eyes.

"She says goodnight to you every night." Alison was trying to be as nonchalant as possible. This was quickly turning into a far deeper conversation than she wanted to have right now.

Emily tried to hold in the sob that was desperately trying to escape, but it was no use. It came out as a strangled cry and tears began to flood her cheeks at Alison's admission. Her heart was breaking all over again at knowing that her daughter still thought of her every day _and_ at the fact that Alison allowed her to say goodnight, even though Emily was no longer around. "I'm so sorry, Alison. Please, you have to believe me," Emily cried as she got down on her knees in front of Alison.

Alison clenched her jaw. "Emily, I'm _not_ doing this with you right now."

"Please, Ali, can we just talk?" Emily's voice was ragged from her sobs.

Emily watched as Alison's eyes instantly turned cold. "You had _eight months_ to talk to me!" Alison could feel herself quickly losing control, so she closed her eyes and took a deep breath to center herself. When she opened them back up, she was met with the most heartbreaking expression on Emily's face that she had ever seen. Her heart told her to wrap her arms around her and tell her everything would be ok, but her head was telling her that Emily needed to leave. And, just like back in high school, Alison allowed her head to guide her instead of her heart. "Thank you for coming by and spending time with Jessica, but she is napping now and it's time for you to leave."

Emily's heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces at hearing Alison's words. She gave the blonde a barely audible "thank you" before getting up and leaving the blonde behind. Emily was grateful for being able to spend some time with Jessica, but she wished that she could have spent some time with Alison, too. She knew that winning Alison back wasn't going to be easy, but she wished that Alison wouldn't be so cold towards her. _Not that I can blame her_ , Emily muttered as she headed back towards Hanna and Caleb's loft.

XXXXX

Three and a half hours later, Alison found herself wandering the streets of downtown Rosewood. She needed to get out of the house after this morning, so she called Spencer and asked if she could come over and watch Jessica for a few hours. Spencer graciously accepted and Alison headed out into the crisp mid-winter's night. She was lost in her thoughts when she felt someone bump her in the shoulder. "I'm so sorry," she said as she turned around to look at who she had bumped into.

"No, it was my fault," the tall, Hispanic man said.

Something about him looked incredibly familiar to Alison. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"You look familiar to me," he said. "I'm Lorenzo, Lorenzo Calderon."

Suddenly, it all flashed back in Alison's mind. He was the officer that responded the afternoon of the crash. He was the one that was able to get her on the ambulance to be with Emily. "You," she said. When Lorenzo gave her a look of total confusion, she explained further. "You were at the accident about a year and a half ago. My girlfriend and I were involved in a car accident. I was about eight months pregnant."

Realization washed over Lorenzo's face. "Yes of course! The one who refused to _not_ go on the ambulance," he laughed. Alison felt herself laugh along with him. "I told the paramedic that you wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. How are you doing, since the accident?"

Alison gave him a smile. "Good, myself and my daughter were fine, stayed in the hospital overnight, but released the next day."

"And your girlfriend? I remember she was pretty beat up."

Alison's face contorted as she thought of the best way to answer that question. "Yeah, she needed shoulder surgery, but she's ok."

Lorenzo saw the look of sadness flash through Alison's eyes. "But…" he drew out, trying to draw more information out of Alison.

"It's complicated, right now," she said with a frown.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said as she placed both hands into the back pockets of his jeans. When Alison didn't respond, he continued. "Look, I was about to go grab something to eat at the Grille, do you want to join me?"

Alison bit the inside of her cheek as she thought of what her answer should be. _It's just food, right?_ She realized then that she was pretty hungry. "Sure," she said with a small smile as they turned around and headed towards the Grille.

XXXXX

It was a little after five and Emily needed to get out of the house. She had told Hanna everything that had happened that morning and now, Emily just needed a break. She was so upset when she left Alison's house that she had cried to the blonde for twenty five minutes before she was calm enough to explain what happened.

 _"_ _She didn't want anything to do with me, Han! She hates me!" Emily hiccupped into Hanna's shoulder._

 _"_ _She doesn't hate you," Hanna tried to reassure the brunette. "She's just upset and needs some time," she said while rubbing soothing circles on Emily's back._

 _"_ _You didn't see the look in her eyes!" Emily cried._

 _"_ _Everything is going to be okay, Em."_

Hanna continued to hold her until she drifted off to sleep on the couch. She woke up about an hour ago, and her mind was racing with thoughts of Alison. She decided that she needed to clear her head, so she was walking the streets of downtown, trying to enjoy being back in the small town. She was walking aimlessly, looking through the windows of the shops that she passed by. Suddenly, she was stopped dead in her tracks by a flash of blonde hair. She was walking past the Grille and saw Alison sitting with a man that she had never seen before eating dinner together. Emily's already broken heart shattered further when she saw Alison throw her head back in a laugh. Even though Emily couldn't hear it, she knew _exactly_ what that laugh sounded like. Her world had centered on that laugh at one point in time. It was a laugh that Emily hadn't heard in over a year, and she missed it so much. How had her life come to this? How could she have fucked up _this_ badly, to have lost the one true love of her life? She sadly smiled to herself as she watched Alison. The blonde looked _happy_. Emily hadn't seen a genuine smile on Alison's lips since the day Jessica was born. _Maybe you guys aren't meant to be together. You were never good enough for her, that's why you left her without even saying 'goodbye'. Who leaves their_ daughter _for eight months without any sort of contact?_ Emily's thoughts were quickly turning dark and the urge to drink herself into oblivion was becoming unbearable. She pulled her jacket tighter around her torso and headed off to the establishment that she hadn't stepped foot in since Jessica's birthday party.

 **A/N 2: So, there it is. I hope my teasers of the party was worth it? I do have one more scene I plan to add in down the line, so there will be one more part of the day you haven't seen yet that will come along. What did you guys think? Do you think Emily is going to relapse? What did you think of Alison's reaction to Emily being over? Please, sound off, I love hearing your thoughts on the chapter. I told you this week was going to be emotional! Good news is, I have this week's and next week's chapters completely edited and ready to go, so you'll get another update on Friday and again on Tuesday and Friday of next week, so at least I won't be leaving you hanging for too long with the angst. Have a great week and I'll see you all on Friday!**


	8. Don't Give Up

**A/N: Surprise! So I was driving in between jobs today and realized that tomorrow isn't a normal Friday for me and I wouldn't have any time to update this, so you guys are getting an early update! I hope you guys are having an awesome week so far. Thank you once again for the reviews on last chapter. I have been getting a lot of guest reviews that I wish I could respond to, so just know I thank you all so much, even if I can't respond to you. I know I haven't delved much into Emily's past and** ** _why_** **she acted the way she did, but I'm hoping that once that gets explained, some of you won't hate Emily as much as you do right now. Until then though, here is the next chapter... Happy reading and I'll see you at the bottom!**

Spencer rushed through the doors of the local bar, panic in her eyes as she frantically searched for the tanned brunette. Her eye caught sight of raven locks sitting on a stool at the bar. Her heart sunk to her stomach as she made her way over. Emily sat motionless, staring at the glass of whiskey sitting in front of her. Spencer slowly sat down on the stool next to her, almost as if she was afraid that if she moved too quickly, Emily would grab the tumbler and down the liquid in one shot. As if reading Spencer's mind, Emily spoke without making eye contact. "I haven't touched it."

Relief washed over Spencer's face. She could see that Emily was clearly distraught over something, and while she wasn't happy that Emily was sitting at a bar at the moment, she was proud of the brunette that she had the will power to say 'no' and had asked for help. "What happened, Em?"

"She's on a date, with some guy." The words spilled out of her mouth. She stared at the amber liquid in the glass in front of her and her right hand began toying with the rim.

Spencer could see the temptation in her eyes and reached over and took the glass from in front of her. She motioned for the bartender. "She won't be needing this," she told him with a frown. "Did she pay already?" she asked and he shook his head no. Spencer dug through her purse and pulled out a ten dollar bill and placed it on the bar. She gently grabbed Emily by the arm and pulled her from the stool. "Come on, Em, you don't need to be here."

Emily didn't put up a fight as she allowed Spencer to drag her out of the bar. She was too tired and broken to fight. Once they were out into the cool night air, she allowed herself to be led to Spencer's car. Spencer unlocked the car and told her to get in. Only once she was in the car did a question suddenly pop into her head. "Where's Jessica?"

"I called Hanna to go over and watch her when I got your text message." Spencer said as she turned the car on and pulled out of the parking spot.

Emily's gaze dropped to her hands. "Did you tell Hanna where I was?"

Spencer winced at the question. She was in such a panic and hurry to get to Emily that she had told Hanna in hopes that it would make her move her ass faster over to Alison's. "I'm sorry, Em, I just needed her to hurry so I could come get you."

Emily leaned her head back against the head rest and closed her eyes. _There is no way that isn't going to come back and bite me in the ass_ , she thought as the streetlights passed one by one on their way back towards Hanna's.

The ride was mostly silent as Emily continued to stare out of the window. Spencer would glance her way every few minutes, but Emily's eyes never left the outside world. As they pulled up in front of Hanna's loft, Emily hesitated to get out of the car. Unshed tears began to well in her eyes and Spencer gave her a sympathetic smile as she reached across the seat and took Emily's hand in her own. "I've fucked this up beyond repair, haven't I?" Emily's voice was quiet and full of remorse.

Spencer squeezed her hand. "You can't give up yet, Em." Spencer had no idea what Emily had seen or why Alison was on a date with some random guy, but she _knew_ that Alison still loved Emily and vice versa. The look in Emily's eyes hit Spencer to the core. The life that seemed to flicker within them towards the end of the week was gone. Any hope that had been building up within Emily seemed to be a distant memory. Spencer wanted to say something else, wanted to tell her that Alison still loved her and to keep fighting for her, but she knew that nothing _she_ did could change that look in Emily's eye. Only _one_ person could, and that person just unknowingly shattered Emily.

Emily brought her gaze back to the window as tears silently slipped down her cheeks. "I love her, more than anything in this world. I'll never forgive myself for what happened, so I don't expect her to." She wiped the tears from her jawline and took a deep breath. "I just want her to be happy, and the way she was when I saw her tonight, I could tell she was happy. I was hoping that could've been me, but I know I've lost her. It's been too long since she's been that happy with me. I know I have no one else to blame but myself." Emily reached for the door handle and put one foot outside of the car. Before fully exiting, she turned to Spencer, tears still streaming down her face. "Please, just tell her how sorry I am and that I will never stop loving her." With that, Emily turned and headed in towards her temporary home. She knew that she needed to start looking for her own place. She had hoped that she would be able to make a home again with Alison, but after what she saw tonight, she knew that it would never happen again. She and Alison were done. As long as Alison was happy though, Emily could live with that. Not happily, but she could survive. Alison DiLaurentis would _always_ have her heart, and no amount of time was going to change that.

~XXXXX~

"She was where?!" Alison's voice rose slightly. She thought that maybe she had heard Hanna wrong. She was very confused about why Hanna was sitting in her living room when she returned home and asked the blonde about it. Hanna had informed her that Spencer had to go out and get Emily and Spencer had asked _her_ to come watch Jessica for a little bit.

"Spencer said that she got a text from Emily, saying that she was at a bar and she needed Spencer to come get her." Hanna could see the anger, disappointment and hurt all begin to make their way to the surface of Alison's eyes. She knew that the blonde was on the verge of blowing up and she felt bad for getting her so worked up. She was just so mad at Emily for stepping foot into that bar again. She couldn't believe that Emily would do that. She seemed to have been doing well and was going to her meetings and counseling sessions. She didn't understand what was going through Emily's mind.

Alison was pacing back and forth when the lights from a car pulled up outside. She looked out the window and saw that Spencer had just pulled in her driveway. Before she knew it, her feet were flying out the door and across the front yard. "What the hell, Spence!" Alison yelled as she made her way towards the brunette.

Spencer quickly looked around, seeing if anyone was outside to witness what was about to happen. She reached the blonde in two strides and grabbed her by the shoulders to turn her back towards her own house. "Not now, Alison. I'll explain inside."

Alison huffed, but made her way back inside. She was waiting in the foyer and before Spencer could even close the door, she pounced like a predator to its prey. "Well?"

Spencer took a quick glance over the blonde. She knew that Alison was on the verge of exploding at the moment. Her arms were folded across the chest and her hip was sticking out to the side. Her normally pale cheeks were flushed with anger and her normally blue eyes were darkened with rage. "She didn't relapse." That was all that she had for Alison at the moment. She didn't know what Alison wanted to hear.

"She was in a fucking bar, Spence! What else do you do there besides _drink_?" Hanna asked, exasperated.

Spencer just rubbed her forehead and sighed. "She ordered a drink, but she just stared at it." She looked back and forth between Alison and Hanna. "I saw it in her eyes, it took everything in her power _not_ to drink it."

"Why was she even there?" Alison asked. She was so mad at the brunette. She wanted to know what she was thinking. She had just had a nice visit with her daughter, and Alison almost felt the need to tell her that she hoped she enjoyed it, because Emily wasn't going to see Jessica again if she was just going to relapse. That wasn't fair to her daughter.

"She… she was just having a tough time today." Spencer did feel bad for Emily. She could see how much she was struggling at the bar. She could see the _need_ in her eyes to just take the liquid and down it. But she could also see the desire to be _different_. To not fall into her old ways. And she could see how much pain Emily was in when she got out of the car.

Hanna's expression softened. "Yeah, she was pretty upset earlier when she came home from here, Ali." Hanna remembered back to just a few short hours ago and how upset Emily had been. She felt guilt rise up inside of her at how quickly she had turned on Emily without knowing the full story. "She thinks that you hate her."

Now it was Alison's face that softened. "I… I don't hate her. I could never." Alison slowly walked over and sat down on the couch. She rested her elbows on her knees and folded her hands underneath her chin.

Spencer and Hanna sat down on either side of her, each with an arm around her back to show their support. "You know, she saw you tonight." Alison turned her head to faced Spencer and gave her a questioning look. "At the Grille, eating dinner with some guy. She said that she hadn't seen you that happy in a while."

Alison's jaw dropped and before she could respond, Hanna cut in. "You had a date?" She asked as she wiggled her eyebrows.

Alison just rolled her eyes at Hanna. "It wasn't a date. We just ate food together." She tried to wave Hanna away, but she was like a moth attracted to the light.

"That's a date!" Hanna quipped. "Who is he? Is he hot?"

Alison wasn't in the mood for Hanna's questions. Guilt was consuming her as the reality hit her of Spencer's words. The way she spoke to Emily this morning was unacceptable. Emily was trying her hardest and she could _see_ that. She didn't deserve the cold tone that Alison had given her. She didn't deserved to feel that the woman who she once made a home and a life with couldn't _stand_ to be around her, even for their daughter's sake. Alison covered her face with her hands and let the tears flow freely down her face. Spencer gave Hanna a disapproving look while Hanna just shrugged her shoulders in return. "I'm such a fool," Alison cried into her hands.

"Shhhhh," Spencer cooed while rubbing circles on Alison's back. "It's all going to be okay."

Alison's hands shot down to her lap and she looked at Spencer with red eyes and wet cheeks. "Nothing is okay, Spencer! Look at us! We're both complete messes. How are we supposed to come back from this?" She threw her hands up in the air as she got up off the couch and began pacing in front of her two friends still on the couch.

Spencer was the first to stand. "Because you have _love_. You are both still so madly in love with each other it's nauseating at times." Alison stopped her pacing and just gave Spencer a disapproving look. "What?" Spencer said in defense. "It is." Spencer rounded the coffee table and took both of Alison's hands in her own. "You two shared a love that I have _never_ seen two people share. You both aren't complete without the other. When you guys are apart, you are both miserable. Yeah, you guys have been through more than any couple should have to go through, but you always made it and you came out _stronger_ on the other side."

Alison sniffled and wiped the tears from her face before meeting Spencer's gaze. "You really think we can make it?"

Spencer gave her a soft smile. "I do." She took a half of a step closer to Alison and gripped her hands tighter. "But you need to take your head out of your ass and tell her how you feel. She thinks that she's lost you forever. She's lost her hope in ever getting you back."

Alison shook her head. "How… how do you know?"

"I saw it in her eyes tonight. That fire that she had a few days ago, it was gone. She said that as long as you were happy, that was all she wanted. She told me to tell you that she'll never stop loving you, like she was telling me to say goodbye to you for her."

Alison stood there at a loss for words. She didn't know what to say to that. She didn't _want_ to give up hope that they could work this whole mess all out, and she certainly didn't want Emily to either. She felt awful that Emily, _her_ Emily, was going through such a hard time. She never meant for her to see her with Lorenzo. It was just dinner. She didn't feel anything for him at all. Sure, it was nice to just get away for a little bit and forget about her life, but she hadn't moved on in the slightest. There was absolutely no way that she could ever move on from Emily. She looked over at Hanna and held out her hand. "Give me your keys."

"No way! What do you need-" Hanna began but was quickly cut off.

"Hanna! Just give me your damn keys!" Alison shouted in frustration. She quickly snatched them from Hanna as she pulled them out of her purse and grabbed her jacket from the front coat rack. "I need to go!" She said as she rushed out of the house.

"Who the hell pissed in her Cheerios?" Hanna asked as she stood there, dumbfounded.

Spencer rolled her eyes as a smile slowly made its way across her face. "You're such a blonde sometimes, Hanna," Spencer said as she made her way back to the couch and put her feet up on the coffee table, making herself comfortable as she began scrolling through Alison's Netflix catalogue.

~XXXXX~

Alison pulled up to Hanna's loft and took a deep breath. She had sped over there in such a rush and now that she was there, she didn't know what she even wanted to say. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself before heading up. She slowly slid the key into the lock and pushed the door open. The sight before her absolutely broke her heart. Laying in front of the couch, Emily was curled up in the fetal position holding a picture frame close to her chest. Her body was shaking so uncontrollably with sobs that she didn't even notice that anyone had come in. Alison quietly slipped inside and closed the door behind her. She stood frozen for a moment, wanting nothing more than to comfort the brunette, but not knowing if that would be the right thing. She was pulled from her inner conflict when she watched Emily pull back the photo frame and hold it up to her lips. She felt her heart crumble when her name fell from the brunette's lips, and before her head could tell her to stop, she made her way over and pulled Emily up off the floor so was cradling her on the couch. Once Emily realized what was happening, she fisted her hands into Alison's jacket, holding on to her like she would disappear once she let go. Alison had to fight back her own tears forming at the desperation she felt pouring from Emily. Alison gently ran one hand up and down Emily's back while the other ran soothingly through her hair. After about ten minutes, Emily's sobs subsided and Alison felt her relax into her arms.

"I'm so sorry, Ali." Emily's voice was barely audible and it was hoarse from crying.

Alison kept running her hand through Emily's hair. "I know, Em. Me too."

"What are you sorry for?" Emily gently sat up and crossed her legs on the couch, playing with her fingers in her lap.

Alison frowned at the loss of contact between them. "For being so cold with you this morning and the other day. It wasn't right."

Emily shook her head, still not making eye contact with the only woman she would ever want in her life, but could no longer have. "You had every right to be that way. You don't need to apologize. You've done nothing wrong. I'm the screw up and I don't deserve your kindness."

Alison frowned. She imagined back to the beginning of their relationship when Alison felt unworthy of Emily's love and kindness and wondered if this was how Emily had felt. It was in that moment that Alison realized how much Emily must have cared for her then, because Alison realized that she _never_ wanted her brunette to feel the way she was feeling ever again. Not if she had any say in the matter. She curled her finger underneath Emily's chin and forced their eyes to lock onto each other. "Emily, you are an _amazing_ woman and you deserve all of the happiness and kindness that this world has to offer you."

Dull, lifeless chocolate orbs stared back at her. "No, I don't. But you do. That smile I saw tonight, god, _I_ haven't given you a smile like that in I don't even know how long." Emily gave Alison a sad smile. " _You_ deserve to be happy, Alison. So please, _go and be happy_."

Alison shook her head and placed both hands on either side of Emily's face. Emily tried to pull away, but Alison tightened her grip. She needed Emily to hear the words that were about to fall from her lips. " _That_ was temporary. _You_ are my forever happiness. _Please_ , Em. Don't give up hope for us. I still need time, but I _can't_ have you give up on us." Emily's eyes closed as Alison leaned in. As she felt Alison's warm lips against her forehead, tears slid down her face and into her lap. Gentle sobs consumed her once again as Alison leaned back to lay down and gently pulled her down on top of her, resting Emily's head on her chest.

Emily instinctively wrapped her arms around Alison's waist and held on like she would lose Alison if she let go and she honestly thought she was going to. She knew that Alison's words had meant to be reassuring, but Emily still worried that she wouldn't be able to fix them. She knew that she had messed up worse than any other time in her life, but she was trying her hardest to make it right. She _had_ to. She knew that they were far from ok, but the feeling of having Alison hold her while her fingers gently massaged her scalp gave her the smallest sense of relief that she hadn't felt all day. She relaxed into Alison's touch as her sobs began to subside. She felt Alison place a firm kiss into the top of her head and she snuggled down deeper into the blonde underneath her. The events of the day were suddenly weighing down on her like never before and she found herself drifting off to sleep in the arms of the love of her life.

 **A/N 2: Sooooo? I know some of you thought she was going to relapse, but I just couldn't do that. She's trying so hard to redeem herself and I couldn't completely ruin her. This chapter I feel focuses a lot on Emily and how she's feeling about her past actions. She realizes that she's messed up, probably beyond repair, but Alison's words probably meant the world to her. How do you think she's going to feel in the morning? Do you think Ali will stay with her? Let me know! For all my fellow Americans, have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend! For everyone else, have an awesome weekend and I'll be back again on Tuesday!**


	9. A New Day

**A/N: Hey guys! I hope you all had a nice weekend! To everyone reading in the U.S., I hope you enjoyed your Memorial Day. As always, I want to thank everyone for your reviews of this story so far, they keep me motivated to stay on track with the updating. Also, welcome and thank you to all the new follows and favorites! I started editing this chapter after I posted the last one on Thursday and reworked it a little to make it longer. And I feel like I've been stuck in my car all morning driving to and from appointments, so I haven't had time to respond to the last chapter's reviews, but I should be able to get to them tomorrow. Enjoy the next chapter and I'll see you all at the bottom...**

The brightness shining in through the front windows woke Emily from her slumber. As she rolled over and stretched out her tight and achy muscles, she slowly opened her eyes. As she looked around, she noticed that she was still on the couch from the night before, but she was now alone. She looked out of the window and could see the morning sun shining brightly in the winter sky. The smell of freshly brewed coffee hit her senses as she noticed Hanna standing in the kitchen with a steaming mug in her hand. The blonde's stare was fixed onto the island in front of her and she didn't notice Emily stirring from the couch.

"Morning…" Emily said as she slowly made her way toward the kitchen.

Hanna jumped slightly at the sudden noise, but meet Emily's gaze with a small smile. "Morning," she replied, before returning her sight to its previous spot.

There was an awkward silence that hung in the air as Emily reached into the cupboard for a coffee cup. Emily could sense that there was something on the blonde's mind, and she could only assume that it had to do with the fact that Spencer had to drag her ass out of a bar at eight o'clock the night before. Emily decided against delaying the inevitable and went instead with biting the bullet. "If you have something to say to me, Han, you can come out and say it." Her tone wasn't defensive, but was definitely more assertive than it typically was.

Hanna side-eyed the brunette pouring herself a cup of coffee and preparing it how she liked. She watched as Emily turned around and leaned back against the counter, bringing the warm liquid to her lips. She cleared her throat as she thought through how she wanted to word what she wanted to say. The last thing she wanted was a fight with Emily after Alison told her what kind of state she was in the night before.

 _Hanna tried to be a quiet as possible as she entered the loft. She turned slowly and noticed Alison awake on the couch holding a sleeping Emily. A soft smile crossed Hanna's lips as she took in the sight before her. Emily was sound asleep on top of Alison, her arms holding onto the blonde's waist as if her life depended on it. Alison had one hand on the small of Emily's back while the other was softly playing with the raven tendrils atop her head. Anyone could see how much her two friends loved each other. Sometimes, Hanna thought that_ they _were the biggest obstacle in the way of their happiness. They were both_ incredibly _stubborn when they wanted to be, and she was afraid of what more damage could be done before one or the other, or both, decided to take their heads out of their asses._

 _She slowly made her way to the couch and crouched down close to Alison so they could whisper and not wake Emily. "Spencer said she would stay in your guest room if you needed her. You're more than welcome to stay here."_

 _Alison shook her head softly. "No, it's ok, I should get going. Can I talk to you, though?"_

 _Hanna nodded her head in silent agreement as she stood up and headed towards her guest bedroom, which had become Emily's temporary home. Alison very slowly maneuvered her way out from underneath Emily so that the brunette was laying into her side. She smiled softly as Emily shifted further into her side and tightening her grip around her waist. She really didn't want to leave the brunette after what she had just been through, but she knew it was for the best. She knew that Hanna would take care of her. She removed the brunette's arms from around her waist and slipped off of the couch. Emily mumbled incoherently, but remained asleep. Alison padded softly into the guest bedroom and shut the door quietly behind them. Hanna took a seat on the guest bed, waiting expectantly for what Alison wanted to talk to her about._

 _Alison sighed as she stepped closer to Hanna to keep her voice quiet. She could see in her eyes that she was still upset that Emily made her way into a bar, but her eyes had softened significantly since being at her house earlier in the evening. "Don't be too hard on her, please Hanna?"_

 _Hanna looked up at her. "What do you mean?"_

 _"_ _I can tell you're still pissed she went to that bar." Hanna scoffed in agreement and folded her arms over her chest. "I am too, Han, trust me. But what I walked in on… I've never seen anyone so_ broken _before in my life. The sobs that left her body, no one should ever have to feel that pain." Alison shivered as goose bumps erupted all over her body as the memory of Emily's cries came to the forefront of her mind. "She had lost all hope. I told her that I needed her not to, that I_ needed _her to believe that we could be ok one day, but I don't know if she really_ heard _me."_

 _Hanna sat there in silence, listening to Alison's words. A small smile appeared on her face as she realized that Alison wanted to try to make things right with the brunette. Hanna finally rolled her eyes and uncrossed her arms. "Fine, I'll be nice to her."_

 _Alison laughed softly. "No, you can still give her hell, but just don't be_ too _harsh."_

 _Hanna chuckled. She knew exactly what Alison meant. She definitely wasn't going to let Emily's indiscretion slide, but she was going to have to broach the subject carefully so that Emily didn't feel ambushed. "So, if you_ wanted _Emily to not give up hope, why did you have dinner with the hot cop?" Hanna wiggled her eyebrows at Alison._

 _Alison rolled her eyes as she took a few steps closer to the bed. The guest bedroom was decorated in Hanna's style, but Emily had put a few small touches on the room. Alison could pick them all out in a heartbeat. She smiled to herself at the feeling of feeling close to Emily, even though Emily was sleeping soundly on the couch in the living room. She plopped down onto the bed next to Hanna and blew out a breath. "First of all, he's not hot." Alison scrunched up her nose at the words. Sure, Lorenzo was cute, but she felt no attraction towards him at all. Hanna gave her a disapproving look and Alison laughed. "What? He's not my type."_

 _"_ _That's right, he has a penis," Hanna quipped and Alison slapped her arm playfully._

 _"_ _No, that's not it." Alison rolled her eyes at Hanna again and the blonde just laughed in response. Alison's mouth pulled down into a frown as she continued. "I'm just not attracted to him like that. And it wasn't a date. We just bumped into each other on the street and he wanted to know if I wanted to have dinner with him." Alison dropped her gaze and stared at her hands pulling absentmindedly on her fingers._

 _"_ _How do you know him, anyway?" Hanna's tone had lost all of its teasing and it was now soft. She could see how hard of a time that Alison was having with all of this._

 _"_ _He was the first cop to respond to the accident when I was pregnant." Alison flinched as the memory of Emily's limp body lying unconscious next to her in the mangled heap of metal flashed through her mind._

 _Hanna reached around and put her arm around Alison's shoulder, pulling the woman into a side hug for comfort. "Oh, so he knew about Emily, then?"_

 _Alison let out a sigh as she briefly allowed her body to relax into Hanna's embrace. However, she missed the feel of Emily's embrace in that moment. Hanna's arms didn't feel the same and deep down, Alison knew that no one would ever feel to her the way that Emily felt against her skin. "Yes. But like I said, it was just dinner, it wasn't a date. It was just nice to get away from it all for a little bit, you know?" Alison sat up, allowing Hanna to drop her arm from her shoulders and ran her fingers through her hair. "After Emily left earlier, I just needed to clear my head. Like I said, we bumped into each other and it was just nice to be normal for once. To spend time with someone who didn't know how fucked up my life had become."_

 _"_ _Hey, your life isn't fucked up, Ali." Alison gave her an incredulous look. Hanna snickered before she continued. "Ok, so it's a little fucked, but honestly, whose life is perfect?"_

 _"_ _Yours," Alison breathed out._

 _Hanna laughed, her eyebrows raising up in surprise. "You think_ my _life is perfect?"_

 _Alison blew out a breath. "Well, yeah. You and Caleb are so in love. I've never seen you guys seriously fight and you have this amazing loft you call your home. I have a house full of memories and no one to share them with."_

 _Hanna placed a hand on Alison's knee. "You know, Caleb and I haven't had sex in over a month."_

 _"_ _Ew, Han, I don't want to know about your sex life." Alison scrunched up her face in disgust._

 _The blonde held up her hands in defense. "Just listen," she huffed out. "I've had crazy baby fever, since basically you had Jessica, but it's been really hard. I became obsessed with getting pregnant, to the point that I told Caleb we could only have sex during my most fertile days during my cycle. I read that having sex more than that reduces the chances of getting pregnant."_

 _"_ _I don't think that's how it works, Han," Alison said slowly._

 _It was Hanna's turn to roll her eyes at the blonde next to her. "Yeah, I know that now, but I'm too stubborn to admit that I was wrong. So he's refused to give me anything until I admit I was wrong and that I'm too controlling of this whole baby thing."_

 _"_ _So what are you saying, Hanna?" Alison loved Hanna, but sometimes the blonde's stories would make absolutely no sense to her._

 _"_ _I'm saying that no relationship is perfect. They all have their highs and their lows. What you and Emily are going through is probably the lowest low that you will ever have, but if you guys can get through it, you guys will be able to make it through anything this life has left to throw at you." Hanna reached across and gave Alison's hand a tight squeeze. "You guys have more love for each other than I've seen two people have. You can't let that kind of love go to waste."_

 _Alison felt a tear slip down her cheek at Hanna's words. She quickly wiped it away and wrapped her arms around Hanna's shoulders. "Thank you," Alison said softly before she stood up and reached into her pocket and handing Hanna back her keys._

 _Alison exited the guest room with Hanna close behind her. She leaned up against the wall as she watched Alison quietly make her way over to the sleeping brunette on the couch. She leaned over and grabbed the throw blanket off the back and draped it over Emily, making sure she was completely coved. She then leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to her forehead. Hanna wanted to gush at the scene, but held her excitement in as Alison closed the main door to the loft behind her. She turned on her heel and grabbed her phone out of her pocket, sending off a quick text to Caleb for him to be quiet when he came in because Emily was asleep on the couch._

"How are you feeling today?" Hanna decided to get a gauge on the brunette's mood before delving into the main topic she wanted to discuss.

Emily took a sip of her coffee before she spoke. "Mmmm, okay, I guess. A little headache," she shrugged as she took another sip of coffee. "You?"

"Umm, I'm ok." Hanna turned around to face Emily. "Listen, we need to talk."

Emily took a deep breath and looked into the dark caramel colored liquid in her mug. "Hanna, I'm sorry, ok. I should have never even put myself in that position."

"Why did you, though?" Hanna gave her a questioning look.

Emily set her mug down on the counter and pinched the bridge of her nose. She _really_ didn't want to have this conversation so early, but she knew there was no way out of it. She just hoped that her headache wouldn't intensify because of it. "Seeing her with him, and how _happy_ she was…" Emily fought back the tears threatening to make an appearance. "It was like my world completely shattered and it hurt so much." A single tear slid down Emily's face. "I didn't think I had anything good in my life anymore. Like my one hope at happiness was lost." Another tear slid down her cheek before sniffling and taking a deep breath to stop their flow.

Hanna instantly softened at Emily's admission. She could see the turmoil that her friend was going through. Even though Hanna had always thought that Emily had done all of this on her own, she could see in that moment that one of her best friends was hurting. And she was hurting more than she ever had in her life. She pushed herself off of the island and stepped across the small space, placing her hand on the small of Emily's back.

Emily instantly crumbled into the blonde, dropping her head onto the blonde's shoulder as she let the tears flow freely. She wasn't sure if she was crying because of the pain that she was going through, or if she was crying because for the first time since staying with Hanna, she felt like everything could be ok in the friendship they shared. She had messed up with so many people over the past year and couple months that she wasn't sure she would be able to fix _any_ of them. But she could feel that Hanna cared about the fact that she was hurting and genuinely sympathized with her. That feeling alone sent a wave of relief through her body.

Hanna gently wrapped her arms around Emily and rubbed soothingly up and down her back. She waited a few minutes until Emily's cries subsided until she gently pulled away. "You have Jessica you need to think about, Em."

Emily sniffled and wiped at her eyes. "I know. That's why I didn't do it. I had the glass to my lips, but the memory of her laugh from yesterday came rushing into my head. I knew I couldn't do it. That's when I reached out to Spencer."

"You did the right thing."

"You're not mad at me?" Emily asked softly.

Hanna blew out a breath before giving her a small smile. "I was. But how can I stay mad at that face!" Hanna said in a baby voice as she pinched Emily's cheeks, trying to lighten the mood.

Hanna was successful in getting the brunette to laugh and she pulled the blonde in for a proper hug. "Thank you, Han. I'm sorry I put myself in that position. I don't plan on doing it again"

"I know, Em. I know."

The two women stayed in the embrace for about another minute before breaking apart and finishing their morning coffee together. Afterwards, Hanna made her way to the bathroom to get ready for her day and Emily made herself comfortable on the couch. She took the time to think back to the night before. To how she hadn't in a million years expected Alison to show up and comfort her, but she _did._ She was there, and she held her and made her feel safe. A smile spread across her face as she remembered back to Alison's words to her.

 _"_ You _are my forever happiness._ Please _, Em. Don't give up hope for us. I still need time, but I_ can't _have you give up on us."_

Suddenly, she felt hope emanating from her soul to the tips of her fingers and toes. She truly believed Alison's words and in her heart knew that things could be repaired between them. She was hopeful that one day, her heart wouldn't hurt as much as it did and she hoped that one day Alison would forgive her for the pain that she put the blonde through. She listened when Alison said that she needed time, and while it hurt to hear that, she knew that the blonde wasn't completely pushing her away. For now, Emily knew that she needed to focus on Jessica, so that's what she was going to do. She grabbed her cell phone and sent Alison a quick text.

 **Hey. Thank you for last night. I'm sorry you had to see me like that, but I appreciate you being there. – Em X**

 **I'm glad you are feeling better.**

Emily smiled reading those words from Alison. They weren't in a great spot, but she knew that Alison was genuine in her statement and it made her feel good. She bit the inside of her lip as she nervously continued typing.

 **I was wondering if I would be able to see Jessica at all today? – Em X**

After a few minutes, Alison still hadn't responded. The first response was almost instant, and now Emily was nervous that she had overstepped. A few days ago, Alison had made it seem like she could see Jessica whenever she wanted as long as they weren't busy, but now Emily was afraid that last night had ruined that. Did Alison think that she was going to start drinking again after going to the bar? _We should have talked about last night before I asked to see Jessica_ , Emily internally chastised. She quickly tried to back track.

 **It's ok if not, I was just wondering.**

Alison instantly felt bad for not getting back to Emily right away. As long as she is sober, Alison would never stop Emily from wanting to spend time with their daughter. Jessica had already missed out on so much with Emily that it wouldn't be far of Alison to keep them apart. As long as Emily was clean and sober and wasn't a danger to Jessica, nothing in Alison's mind justified them not spending time together. She quickly sent a reply.

 **No, no. You can, I was just trying to figure out a time. Would you like to come over for dinner?**

Emily's smile lit up the entire living room. She felt giddy as her fingers flew across her screen.

 **I'd really like that. – Em X**

 **How about 5:00?**

 **I'll see you then. Should I bring anything? – Em X**

Alison sat with a shy smile on her face as she tried to stop the blush that was creeping up her face. She had to admit that she saw fragments of her old Emily coming back to her and she couldn't stop the excitement that her heart was feeling. Her head was still telling her to protect herself, but with each second that she spent with Emily, the pull of her heart grew _that_ much stronger. She knew in her heart that they would be able to fix their relationship, but they needed to have _at least_ one long, hard talk before that happened. Alison was betting on them needing several, though.

 **No, thank you, just yourself.**

Emily felt like she was on cloud nine at that moment. She was going to be spending the evening with her daughter and the woman that she was still so madly in love with. She felt like nothing would be able to bring her day down.

As Hanna came walking back into the living room, she noticed the goofy grin that Emily had plastered across her face. "What's with the face?" She asked as she plopped down next to the brunette on the couch.

"Alison invited me over for dinner tonight," Emily said, excitement evident in her voice. She continued to stare at her phone, rereading the conversation that had just transpired over and over again.

Hanna gave her a playful nudge and wiggled her eyebrows. "So I shouldn't expect you back tonight?"

Emily just giggled and rolled her eyes playfully, knowing full well what Hanna was _really_ insinuating. "How about we get through a conversation where one of us isn't angry or hysterically crying before we even start _thinking_ about sleepovers?"

Hanna just laughed as she snuggled into the brunette's side. They fell into a confortable silence watching trashy reality television before Emily eventually made her way off of the couch, heading into the bathroom to get ready for her day. She had an A.A. meeting to get to before making a stop on her way over to Alison's.

 **A/N 2: Ok, so Alison didn't spend the night, but I thought it was cute at how loving and gentle she was with Emily before she left. There wasn't a ton of Emison in this chapter, but Hanna was kind of the main person her. What did you guys think of both the convos with Hannily and Hanison? I felt like Hanna was kind of like their guide. Like, Emily and Alison had this super emotionally charged moment, and they maybe needed a little help to figure out what it all meant. Let me know your thoughts and opinions as always! Thanks guys, have great week and I'll be back again on Friday!**


	10. The Dinner

**A/N: Happy Pride month everyone! I hope you all had a great week. Thanks to everyone for reading and all the new follows/favorites. A funny little side note: my wife and I discovered that our 5 year old daughter knows more words to the Camilla Cabello song "All I Need" than we do combined and I have to say while it's funny, I'm not quite sure how to feel about her knowing that song so well, lol. Anyway, here's the next chapter and we finally get some Emison family time! See you at the bottom!**

Alison sat back on the couch and enjoyed the momentary peace and quiet that fell around her. Jessica had gone down for a nap about forty minutes ago and Alison had just finished with her speed cleaning and tidying up the house. After her short text conversation with Emily, she had quickly gotten herself and Jessica ready before heading out to the grocery store to get the supplies she needed for tonight and the next few days. Honestly, she was a little surprised at herself that she had invited Emily over for dinner tonight. After Alison had essentially kicked her out of the house the morning before, she wasn't sure if things between her and Emily would _ever_ be okay again. But seeing the state that Emily was in the previous night had all but crumbled the walls that she had up. Seeing the brunette curled up on the floor, calling out her name while cradling a picture of them from early on in their relationship had been almost too much for the blonde to handle. She had never seen Emily look that fragile and broken before. Alison knew in that moment that Emily had no hope left inside of her, and for the first time since seeing Emily walk out of Rosewood High a few days ago, the pull of her heart was stronger than her head. Alison had to do everything in her power to hold back her own emotions while she was comforting the brunette. Being so close to Emily in that fragile state, Alison _swore_ she could feel the complete and utter pain and heartbreak _radiating_ off of her ex.

 _Ex, that just sounds so weird,_ Alison thought. She had tried for months to not try and figure out what they were anymore. They definitely hadn't been together since the day that Emily got on that plane and flew across the country, but they had never _actually_ broken up, either. It's like they have been in a state of limbo for the past eight months. In those months, Alison worried about everything _but_ her relationship with Emily. She worried about Jessica and focused on her own mental health, as well as continuing to make amends and fostering her relationships with Jason and Aria as well as Hann and Spencer. The hardest part was focusing on her job and educating the young minds of tomorrow. Everywhere she looked inside the walls of that school reminded her of her brunette that she had lost. Now with Emily being back, her heart was beginning to _beg_ Alison to hold tight to the brunette and never let her go again. Her walls were still up, but their foundation was shaky, at best. It would only take one small breath of air to force them to crumble completely.

Alison propped her feet up on the coffee table and leaned her head back as she closed her eyes. She couldn't help that a part of her was extremely excited for this dinner tonight. When the brunette had agreed to it, Alison knew _exactly_ what she was going to make her tonight. It was no secret that Alison was the cook between the two of them and Emily always made it well known how much she enjoyed the blonde's cooking, but one meal had _always_ stood out as Emily's favorite. Alison had first made her the dish once she confessed her feelings to Emily after the brunette had allowed Alison the time to process through the news of her pregnancy and what she wanted with the brunette. Alison smiled as she thought back to that time. Emily was so gentle and kind with her, she would have been an absolute fool not to have given it a try with Emily. And Alison was so incredibly glad that she did. Even though things had been so messed up for the better part of their relationship, Emily had shown Alison that she was worthy of love. Emily had essentially healed her and Alison knew that her biggest regret in her life would be that she wasn't in the proper state of mind to help heal Emily when she needed it. But she would never, _ever_ , in her life regret giving her heart to Emily.

Alison allowed the quiet to envelope her. The prep was done for dinner and the house was clean, so she brought her feet up onto the couch and laid down lengthwise across it. It reminded her of how she was laying with Emily the night before.

 _Alison could hear the front door to the loft softly open. She had been lying with Emily sleeping peacefully on top of her for about thirty minutes. She knew that she needed to get home to Jessica so that Spencer could go home, but in all honesty, she didn't want that moment to end. That moment that felt like it did so long ago, when Alison felt completely at peace with the world because she had Emily next to her. Alison looked toward the light shining through the door and saw Hanna quietly slip through. She had silently cursed the blonde for not giving them five more minutes to just enjoy the moment, but Alison had to resign herself to the fact that the moment had passed once Hanna patted her way over and knelt down before her._

As Alison had closed the door on the loft the previous night, a shy smile had crept across her face and it didn't leave until she pulled into her driveway. Once she had said her goodbyes and thanks to Spencer, she made her way up to her bedroom. She went through her normal, nighttime routine, finding one of Emily's t-shirts and throwing it over her head. She picked up the picture next to her night stand and smiled. It was the same picture that Emily was holding in Hanna's loft. That picture of the two of them in the woods, so happy and in love, before life tried it's hardest to rip them apart. A warm feeling spread throughout her body, knowing that the photograph the she always had next her when she slept meant something to Emily, as well. They had both agreed that it was their favorite picture of them, but Alison knew that Emily didn't take any personal belongings with her to California. She made a mental note that she would have to ask Emily about it sometime. She put the picture down and snuggled up to Emily's pillow. Tonight, however, the brunette's scent was fresh in her mind, so she didn't need to concentrate to remember it. She had gotten a hit of it, and it was now like a drug. She never wanted to live without that scent again. That night, for the first time in what felt like forever, Alison fell asleep with a smile on her face. The same smile that now graced her face as she drifted off into a light slumber on the couch.

~XXXXX~

Alison was woken by the static-y cries emanating from the baby monitor on the end table. As she lifted her head, she brought her hand up to her neck, trying to massage out the knot that had formed. She stretched her arms above her head before getting up and making her way to the nursery. Jessica was in her crib, her tiny cheeks flushed red. Alison furrowed her brow as made her way through the room towards the crib.

"What's wrong, baby girl?" Alison asked as she picked up the toddler. She noticed immediately that the tiny brunette felt warm to the touch. She placed her lips to her forehead and frowned as she made her way to the closet to get her thermometer. "Are you cutting another tooth?" Alison cooed as she tried to soothe the little girl while taking her temperature. She rocked the girl back and forth until the thermometer beeped, indicating it had read her temperature. "100.2, that's not so bad. Let's get you some Tylenol for the pain," Alison said as she noticed Jessica chewing frantically on her tiny fist. Jessica had been cutting teeth for a while now, but each one seemed to get a little worse than the last. Alison wasn't sure if it was because she was older and more aware of the pain, or if it was genuinely more painful as more teeth came in. She for one didn't remember going through it as a baby, and she was grateful that Jessica wouldn't remember it, either.

After giving her a dose of medicine for the pain and slight fever, Alison and Jessica made their way downstairs. Alison headed to the freezer and pulled out a cold teething ring for her to chew on. Jessica was happy with it, but wanted to snuggle into Alison while she chewed, clearly not feeling her best. Alison had tried to put her down, but Jessica had given her those big, puppy dog eyes while raising her hands above her head for Alison to hold her. There was no way that she could say 'no' to those eyes, so she picked her up and the pair made their way to the oversized arm chair and snuggled in peace. Alison didn't understand how even though Emily had no biological connection to Jessica, the little girl had inherited certain mannerisms from her, namely, the puppy dog eyes. After about ten minutes, the teether and medicine had done its job and Jessica was back to her old self running around and playing on the floor. Alison looked at the clock and noticed that she had just about an hour until Emily was due to come. "Jess, baby?" Alison asked and Jessica looked up from the blocks she was stacking. "Do you want a snack?" Jessica shook her head enthusiastically and Alison laughed on her way to the kitchen. She put some blueberry Puffs into a little bowl and placed them down on the coffee table for Jessica to snack on as she pleased. She then went back to the kitchen and started on dinner.

Dinner was almost ready when Alison heard the doorbell ring. Alison hadn't been nervous at all that day, but once she heard the doorbell ring, she felt her heart rate begin to speed up. It was almost the same feeling she had years ago when Emily spent the night for the first time. Alison was even cooking the same meal, for goodness sake! Alison took a breath and smoothed her shirt before heading into the foyer. She opened the door and immediately smiled when she saw Emily standing in front of her, holding three cupcakes from their favorite bakery. "Hi," Alison said as she stepped aside to allow Emily entry.

However, Emily was still in shock that this moment was actually happening. Since leaving Hanna's house a couple hours before, she had spent all of her free time convincing herself that Alison had changed her mind and didn't want her there anymore. She didn't think that Alison would have answered the door for her, if she had even been home. But the moment that door opened, Emily felt like her heart stopped. Alison wasn't dressed in anything fancy by any means, but she absolutely took Emily's breath away. The woman in front of her seemed to get even more gorgeous as time went on.

Emily stood there for what seemed like hours, until she was broken from her thoughts by a tiny voice. "Momma! You here!" Jessica ran out the door before Alison could stop her and threw her little arms around Emily's leg, squeezing and holding on for dear life. Emily looked down and smiled, before picking the little girl up and hugging her tightly.

"Hi, baby girl! Let's get you inside, it's cold out here," Emily said as she stepped inside the foyer and set the little girl down. Jessica tugged on Emily's hand, attempting to guide her into the living room. Emily knelt down so she was eye level with the tiny brunette. "Momma will be in in a second, okay? I just have to talk to Mommy real quick." Jessica nodded her head as she scurried off into the living room. Emily turned to Alison and smiled shyly. Alison quirked an eyebrow and waited for Emily to finally speak what was on her mind. "S-sorry about that. You, you look beautiful, Ali. Thank you for the invite."

Alison blushed slightly at Emily's words. Even after all this time, one of her favorite things was hearing Emily tell her that she was beautiful. It was the first thing that Emily had ever said to her, and even though it triggered a series of events that she would forever regret, she never had any doubt that Emily meant those words wholeheartedly each and every time they fell from her lips. "Thank you. You didn't need to bring desert, but thank you."

Emily handed the box of cupcakes to Alison before removing her jacket and hanging it on the hook right inside the door. She took her boots off and placed them on the mat. "I know that little bakery down the street from the Brew, is your favorite, and I didn't want to show up empty handed. Plus, I've been craving a Lucky Leon's cupcake for months! Everything out in California is vegan," Emily finished off with a laugh, trying to keep the mood light between the two.

Alison smiled softly and nodded towards the living room. "Go play with your daughter. Dinner is almost ready."

"Do you need any help?" Emily asked before Alison could turn away. She was truly torn in that moment. As much as she wanted to go and spend time with Jessica, she didn't want to leave Alison's side, afraid that the blonde could change her mind at any second and ask her to leave and never come back.

Alison waved her off and gave her a smile. "It's ok, Em, I got it. Thank you, though." Alison turned around and headed into the kitchen to finish dinner.

Emily stood in the foyer, frozen in place with her heart melted into a puddle on the floor. Hearing Alison use her nickname again was something she hadn't heard in _far_ too long, even before going to California. She loved the way it rolled off of Alison's tongue and she had to stop herself from following the blonde and pushing her into the nearest wall. She was able to fight the urge and turned on her heel, heading towards the giggles of her daughter awaiting her in the next room.

~XXXXX~

Alison had just finished cleaning up the kitchen from dinner when she heard Emily making her way back down the stairs. After dessert, Emily had asked if she could bathe Jessica and put her down, having missed out on so many nights already. Alison said that it wasn't a problem and watched with a smile on her face as Emily lifted Jessica out of her high chair and carried her upstairs. _This_ is what Alison always wanted with Emily, the domesticity of one of them bathing Jessica while one cleaned from dinner. They had it before Jessica was born, but with Alison's post-partum depression and then Emily's drinking, it was totally lost until that very moment. And honestly, Alison never wanted it to end, but she knew there was too much that had happened for them to be okay right now. This dinner had given her hope that they could one day be good again, but right now, it was too soon. She put the last of the dishes into the dishwasher and then turned it on. She turned around to find Emily leaving against the doorway, arms crossed over her chest.

"I can't believe you made me my favorite meal, thank you." Emily said as she pushed herself off and took two tentative steps towards Alison. She was relieved when Alison didn't step back.

"You're welcome. I just wanted to start over. It was my way of apologizing for how I treated you yesterday and Thursday. You didn't deserve it." Alison's voice was timid and nervous, afraid of getting into a conversation that was too deep with Emily, but wanting to apologize for her behavior the past few days.

Emily looked at Alison with sad eyes. "I did deserve it, though."

Before she could continue, Alison stopped her. "We're not doing this right now." Alison could see in Emily's eyes that she had a lot that she wanted to say, but right now wasn't the time. Their dinner together had gone off without a hitch and they were truly enjoying being in each other's company as a family. Alison didn't want to ruin it if things got heated between them.

Emily knew exactly what Alison was talking about and her face fell. She took in a deep breath before releasing it. "We need to talk about it sometime, Ali," her voice sounding sad.

Alison gave Emily a warm smile. "We will, just not tonight. Tonight has been good, let's just enjoy this, okay?"

Emily matched Alison's smile. "Okay," Emily said as they headed into the living room. Alison sat down first on one end of the couch and Emily sat on the other, facing each other with just about a cushion between them. "Are you ready for work tomorrow?"

"Ugh, Mondays are always the worst! It's like these kids forget everything over the weekend, especially their manners!" Alison huffed as she threw her arms in the air. Emily just laughed, enjoying the conversation that seemed to be flowing so naturally between them, just like old times. "Are you going to go back?" Alison had seen Emily leaving the school on Thursday, but hadn't gone to ask what she had wanted or if she had even met with Principal Hackett. Alison also didn't know if she had found out who the new swim coach was that replaced her that fall. She didn't want to bring it up, with this evening having gone much better than either one of them could have expected.

"Um, yeah. I actually start back tomorrow, too." Emily looked down at her fingers and began wringing them in her lap.

Alison noticed and slid closer to the brunette on the couch, placing a hand on top of Emily's, stilling her movements. Emily felt like every fiber in her body was on fire feeling Alison's hand on her own. She had been craving Alison's touch for over half a year, and being so close to her this past week but not getting to touch her had been excruciating for the brunette. She looked up and gave Alison a look of shock and confusion as to what caused Alison's actions. As if reading her mind, Alison responded, "You're making me nervous when you do that."

Emily looked back down at their touching hands and mumbled, "Sorry." However, she didn't make any attempt to move her hand away from Alison's, never wanting the two to break contact ever again. "Um, so I was wondering if maybe you wanted to meet in the teacher's lounge before school. For old time sake?" Alison was slightly taken aback by Emily's question. They hadn't shared coffee together since before Alison had given birth to Jessica. Alison finished that school year on maternity leave, and didn't go back until that following September. However, with her depression, she never made it in early enough to spend a few extra minutes with Emily before school. After not getting a response after a few moments, Emily could feel the hesitation coming from Alison. She began to get nervous and started to backtrack. "Don't worry if you can't. It was just a thought."

Instantly, Alison felt bad for hesitating. She could see how hard Emily was trying, and didn't want her to think she didn't appreciate the effort. "No, I'm sorry. It's just that I usually don't get there that early anymore, but I will try to tomorrow, okay?"

Emily looked up and gave her a shy smile. "Thank you, Ali." Emily pulled her hands from Alison's grip and stood up. Emily headed towards the door with Alison following closely behind. Emily bent down and put her boots on before grabbing her jacket and zipping it up. She turned to face Alison with a shy smile on her face. "Thank you for dinner, Ali. It was amazing."

Alison smiled shyly back. "You're welcome, Em." With that, Alison gently leaned up on her toes and placed a gentle kiss on Emily's cheek. Emily closed her eyes and leaned into Alison's touch. Feeling her lips on her skin after so long was like the touch of soothing aloe on burnt, blistered skin. Emily never wanted that touch to go away, and Alison seemed hesitant to pull away. Emily couldn't help the ear-to-ear smile plastered on her face as she opened the door, saying her goodnights to Alison as she headed back in the direction of Hanna's loft.

For the first night that she could remember since Jessica was just a newborn, Emily fell asleep peaceful, with a content smile on her face. For the second night in a row, no tears fell onto Alison's pillow. Instead, she allowed the night's events to play out in her head before drifting peacefully to sleep. Both women went to bed feeling settled, that night, knowing that the morning would bring a brighter day, full of hope.

 **A/N 2: Well, that went a little smother this time, huh? None of the fighting and crying like the previous morning. I think they have finally reached the top of the giant hole they had dug themselves. Sure, they still need to talk and really work things out, but this chapter shows that they can get past the hurt that they've both been through and move forward. They just need to figure out if they can do it** ** _together_** **or not. We'll be exploring that next week ;) For now, I hope everyone has a safe and happy weekend and I will see you all again on Tuesday. As always, let me know what you thought of the chapter! Bye guys!**


	11. Breakthrough

**A/N: Hey guys, happy Monday! So my schedule this week is going to be a little off, so I'm going to post today and Wednesday. After that, I am going on vacation until the end of next week, so I won't be posting or writing for that matter. Good thing is though I plan on writing as much as possible in my free time this week and I've already written a chapter and a half today, so yay for that! Thanks so much for all the reviews and follows/favorites. I honestly didn't think I would get the response I have so far. I'm glad you guys all enjoyed their dinner together :) Here's the continuation, see you all at the bottom!**

Emily sat nervously at the familiar table of the RHS teacher's lounge. She glanced up at the clock and bit the inside of her cheek. _Alison hadn't promised you that she'd be here_ , Emily chastised herself for getting her hopes up so much. She had hoped that after their dinner last night, that they could start over. After all, Alison had told her on Saturday night _not_ to give up hope. _Why would she say that if she didn't think there was still a chance for us?_ _Because her daughter deserves two parents in her life_ , Emily answered her own question with a sigh. Maybe she had misread Alison on Saturday night. Maybe Alison just wanted her to stay sober for Jessica, so she needed to give Emily false hope in that moment. Emily sighed thinking about how much she had screwed everything up between herself and Alison.

She leaned forward and placed her elbows on the table while she rested her face in her palms. She took a deep breath, trying to control the emotions that so badly wanted to spill over. She chuckled to herself about all those years of practice she had _hiding_ how she was feeling, but now, after not even a year of counseling and therapy, it seemed like she _couldn't_ keep them in check. She was feeling every raw emotion, no matter how painful it was. And she loved it because she had never felt so alive. She had never felt so much like herself since she was fourteen years old, since Alison had first entered her life.

She was removed from her thoughts when an unfamiliar voice called her name. "Emily?"

Emily glanced up and noticed a red head coming to sit across from her at the table. "I'm sorry, have we met before?" Emily asked as the woman slid into her seat and smiled. Something about the smile seemed extremely familiar to Emily, but she couldn't put a finger on it.

"Emily Fields, right?" The woman asked and Emily nodded. "Paige McCullers, I was on the swim team with you freshman year."

Emily's eyes widened in shock. She hadn't seen Paige since that day that she told her off in front of the whole school. She couldn't believe that Paige was here, sitting in front of her. "Paige? Oh my god, how are you? What are you doing here?"

Paige smiled at Emily. "I actually have a meeting with Principal Hackett in about twenty minutes and I just wanted to come grab a coffee before heading down to his office. Imagine my surprise though to see you sitting here. God, Emily you haven't changed a bit. What's it been, thirteen, fourteen years?"

Emily felt a blush creep up into her cheeks. She noticed something in Paige's eyes that made her seem almost predatory when she talk to her. Emily could feel her boring into her soul with her stare and it made Emily almost want squirm. She cleared her throat before looking away from Paige. "Yeah, something like that." Emily brought her eyes back to Paige, whose stare was still intense, locking onto Emily. Emily wondered if she was ever going to be out from under her stare ever again.

Paige looked down and quickly noticed the second cup sitting in front of Emily. "I'm sorry, were you waiting for someone?"

Emily waved off her comment. "No, I was hoping, but I guess not." She glanced at the clock again, realizing that Alison wasn't going to show up. Her heart sunk at the thought. She looked back down to the table to control her emotions. She took a second before she continued. "Tell me, what have you been up to lately?"

"Nothing much, just trying to figure some stuff out. During college, I hurt my shoulder and had to stop swimming. I've been looking for a job in the sports management field and when I saw the opening for Athletic Director here, I jumped on it." Paige took a sip of coffee from her paper cup, eying Emily from behind the rim.

"So that's what you're meeting With Hackett about?" Emily swallowed hard. She hoped that this was just a first interview and Paige wouldn't get the job. She didn't know what Paige being back at RHS would mean for her and Alison. Emily knew that Alison had seen the video of them, but it was never talked about. When they had first reconnected, they truly started from a clean slate and rarely talked about what had happened in the past. They both just wanted to start over and forget about that part of their lives, so they did. Emily had no idea what sort of history Alison and Paige had, but knowing Alison, she knows it isn't a good one. She had already done a good enough job of jeopardizing her relationship. She didn't need Paige's help on top of it.

"Yeah, I'm signing the contract this morning and hopefully today will be my first day." Paige smiled at Emily, her eyes continuing to rake up and down Emily's body.

Emily cleared her throat again before looking away and at the clock. The air was beginning to grow hot and heavy under Paige's gaze and she was becoming more uncomfortable with each passing second. "That's great. Good luck. Gotta head to class, can't be late!"

Emily grabbed both cups and headed towards the garbage to throw them away. She was stopped when Paige called her name yet again. Emily tried to ignore her, but she felt Paige gently grab her bicep and spin her around. "I just thought you should know that I know what you've been through the past couple of years. And I want you to know that if you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here."

Emily could see the sincerity in her eyes, but something about Paige seemed _off_ to her and she had a nagging feeling in her stomach. She couldn't help but be reminded of how she had felt this same way after Jessica was born, feeling that something was off with Alison and not knowing what. _I should've known what was going on with her sooner! Maybe we would have avoided this whole mess!_ Emily thought to herself. She quickly looked down to Paige's hand wrapped around her upper arm and Paige let her go. She looked back up to Paige and tried to give her a sincere smile, though she wasn't sure if it was effective or not. "Thanks, Paige," she said before making her way to the locker room towards her office.

Once she arrived at her destination, she quickly unlocked the door and slipped inside. She leaned up against the door with her head against the cool glass, taking deep, calming breathes. Something about Paige being in such close proximity to her was nagging her to no end. It was a feeling that she just couldn't shake, but couldn't even pinpoint _what_ she was feeling, either. She had become so in tune with her feelings lately, that she didn't feel right about not being able to describe one. She thought that maybe she was just thrown off because of Alison blowing her off, so she tried to clear her head and focus on getting back into teaching.

~XXXXX~

Alison sat in her usual chair in Dr. Sullivan's office. She had been quieter today, and Dr. Sullivan took notice of it almost immediately. "Have you seen Emily since the last time we spoke?" Dr. Sullivan gently prodded Alison to get her to speak.

"Yes." Her answer was short, but Dr. Sullivan wasn't deterred. She was used to Alison being closed off, but that had lessened over time since she had been seeing her.

"And how did it go?"

"Which time?" Alison scoffed.

Dr. Sullivan raised an eyebrow at the blonde. She knew something major must have happened for Alison to be this closed off about the woman that she had been so desperate to see for months on end. "Why don't you start with the first time?"

Alison closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her emotions had been so all over the place the last few days that she didn't want to talk about any of it. But she knew she _had_ to. Her head space was not good at the moment, and she knew she needed to figure out what she wanted with Emily before either of them could move forward. "She came to see me on Thursday. She was waiting on the porch when we got home."

"What did she say?"

Alison scoffed again. "She brought flowers. She said she wanted to see Jessica, but why would she bring flowers?" She through her hands up in the air in frustration.

"Why do you think she brought the flowers?" Dr. Sullivan asked as she looked up from taking notes on her notepad.

"Cause she's trying to win me back, like she can just show up with my favorite flowers and I would just forget that she completely _ignored_ me for eight months! Left me alone to raise our daughter when she _promised_ me she would be there." Alison felt hot tears begin to sting at the backs of her eyes. Last night when she went to bed, she was so hopeful for the future. She had enjoyed her time with Emily and honestly didn't want her to leave after dinner. But Alison woke in the middle of the night covered in sweat again, having had Jessica's birthday party replay in her nightmares. She woke up in the morning with a million and one thoughts about her and Emily running through her head, and she had no idea how to even _begin_ to sort them out.

"I can understand your frustration. Did you let her spend some time with Jessica?"

"Not that day. I told her she could come back on Saturday to spend some time with her in the morning."

Dr. Sullivan smiled. She was glad to see that Alison was beginning to let Emily back in, even if it was hard for Alison after all the hurt she had been through. From everything that she had been told from Alison, her and Emily seemed so very happy and in love with each other. They had just been two people who had two very huge blows dealt towards them in a short period of time. And it was all made worse by having an infant thrown into the equation. Dr. Sullivan felt bad at the pain the two women were going through, but she knew that, ultimately, Alison still wanted to be with Emily, no matter how stubborn she seemed to be about it. "And did she?" Alison just looked down into her lap and nodded. "How did that go?"

Alison looked up at the ceiling and blinked a few times until the tears were gone from her eyes. "It went fine."

Dr. Sullivan had known Alison for long enough to know that there was more. "But…"

"But then she put Jessica down for a nap and saw the picture of her next to the crib," Alison sighed out. "She tried to apologize. Said she wanted to talk."

"Did you two talk?"

Alison huffed out a breath. "No."

"Why not?"

"I got so mad at her for ignoring me! She had eight months, Dr. Sullivan! Eight fucking months!" Alison shot up and out of her chair and began pacing back and forth. Dr. Sullivan just sat there, watching Alison intently. She had never seen the blonde this worked up before, and was curious to see where it all went. "A call! A text! Hell, a fucking _letter_ would have been good enough!" The hot tears were back, spilling from Alison's eyes as she let her anger out at the doctor in front of her. "She didn't even have the _balls_ to tell me herself that she was leaving! I had to hear it from Hanna! " The tears continued to spill down her face, but her pacing was beginning to slow down.

Dr. Sullivan sat there quietly, watching Alison intently as she paced furiously back and forth in front of her. She took in Alison's demeanor and had a gut feeling that Alison was going to have a breakthrough today. She knew the blonde well enough by now to understand when they were getting down to the nitty gritty of Alison's soul. Finally after a few minutes, she spoke up. "What do you want from Emily?"

The question stopped Alison dead in her tracks. She turned and looked at Dr. Sullivan before plopping back down into her chair. She took a second to gather her emotions before reaching for a tissue being offered from the doctor. "I just want the woman that I fell in love with back. I want her to take all of this pain away. I want to be able to take _her_ pain away. I want us to be a family, to go on vacations together. I want to wake to have morning snuggles with Jessica in our bed. I want my family back." Everything spilled out of Alison's mouth so quickly that she didn't even have time to process it, which was exactly what Dr. Sullivan hoped would happen.

A small smile formed on her mouth and she seemingly changed the subject. "How was Emily's time with Jessica?"

Alison's lips began to curve into a smile to match the doctor's. "Jessica seemed to really enjoy it. Her little face lit up at showing Emily all of her favorite toys." Suddenly, a frown tugged at Alison's mouth as she recalled how Jessica had asked for Emily as soon as she woke up. "She couldn't stop talking about Emily after her nap."

"That's good, right? You wanted her and Jessica to spend some time together, correct?"

"Yeah… I don't know if I'm ready to have her back in my life, but she is an incredible mother and Jessica deserves to have her around."

"Have you seen Emily since Saturday morning?"

Alison sighed. "Yeah, twice."

"Twice?" Dr. Sullivan raised one questioning eyebrow. After that encounter she just described, she didn't think Alison would have seen her again before another session if she didn't have to.

"I saw her again on Saturday night. She was in a really bad spot. I went to Hanna's to see her. She just looked so _broken_ , and I knew it was because of me." New tears threatened to spill from her eyes at remembering the sight of Emily on the floor.

"Because of the fight?"

"That, and well, she saw me out to eat with someone at the Grille. Just a friend, but she thought she had truly lost me." Alison played with the tissue still in her hands. "It was like she had given up hope. Her eyes… It's funny, her eyes used to tell me everything. But after Pam died, they told me _nothing_. Like they were completely void of anything. No emotion, no anything."

"That can happen, as you know, as the mind's defense mechanism to trauma. Your brain just begins to shut off from all emotion." They had been through this several times. Dr. Sullivan had told Alison that Emily had never truly dealt with her decision to take Pam off of life support, so she wasn't able to heal and move forward. Her body was in such an emotionally fragile state, that any little thing could set her off. So, her body shut itself off from all emotion to save it from completely breaking down. It took Alison a while to understand it, but once she did, she saw what Emily went through in a whole new light. She began to see the pain that Emily had went through in that time and it began to make more sense. She was still hurt and upset that she hadn't heard anything from the brunette for so long, but she understood her pain a little better.

Alison smiled lightly. "Yeah, I know. But in only the few times that I've seen her, her eyes have shown me more emotion that I ever thought possible. I can see _everything_ in them. Her pain, her guilt, her hope, her love for Jessica… her love for me." Alison gave a small smile at the last part, before it fell into a frown once again. "But Saturday night, I saw her losing _hope_. I saw the light beginning to flicker out in her soul. I couldn't let her give up, so I… I…"

"What did you do, Alison?"

"I told her not to give up hope on us. I told her I _needed_ her to not give up hope."

"Why did you say that?"

Alison took a deep breath and blew it out. She was beginning to let her heart take control over her head. As hesitant as she was in the beginning of the hour to open up to Dr. Sullivan, she was glad that she did, because this moment, right here, is what Alison had been working towards. "Because I know I pushed her away when she was just trying to apologize, but I didn't want to hear it. But seeing her like that…" Alison's voice was shaky with emotion. "I can't survive if she lets me go. I _need_ her in my life, Dr. Sullivan."

"You need to tell her that, Alison. You _need_ to go to her and tell her how you are feeling. You need to hear her out and work through this, together. You both did your share of healing yourselves, separately, but now it's time to come together and heal yourselves, as a couple, and eventually, a family."

Alison had a smile on her face bigger than Dr. Sullivan had seen from her. She knew that Alison had just had a major breakthrough. She could see that Alison was on a high right now and she hoped that she would talk to Emily before it wore off and Alison lost the courage.

Alison left Dr. Sullivan's office and headed straight back to RHS. She only had a couple more classes, but couldn't wait to get home. On the way back to work, she had quickly messaged Hanna, asking if she would be able to watch Jessica for them that night. Hanna quickly replied that she would love to. Alison knew that Hanna was having major baby fever lately and Alison had a new found respect for her friend after Hanna had disclosed the issues that she and Caleb were having trying to conceive. So Hanna was willing to take Jessica whenever Alison needed her to, which wasn't that often considering how close Spencer was, but she savored every minute she could with the tiny brunette.

Alison glanced at her dashboard clock as she pulled into the parking lot. She had just about fifteen minutes before she needed to be back in her classroom. She decided she was going to take a detour. As she walked past the gymnasium, she could hear a gym class going on and Emily's voice drifted into the hallway. Alison smiled at how sweet Emily's voice sounded to her ears. With a smirk on her face, she snuck into the girl's locker room unseen. She quietly thanked Emily for once giving her a key to her office as she unlocked the door and slipped inside. Alison rounded the desk and sat down in Emily's chair. A smile immediately spread across her face as the photo of her and Alison sat on the desk. She picked it up and ran her fingers lovingly along the frame. The sound of a key in the lock pulled Alison's gaze from the picture and to the tanned brunette coming through the door.

Emily was visibly startled when she saw Alison sitting in her chair. "Alison? What are you doing here?" She asked with her brow furrowed.

Alison smiled as she stood up and rounded the desk, leaning her backside against it. She looked at Emily and could see by her body language that she was nervous. The blonde chuckled lightly to herself when she thought back to when Emily first started here and Alison had come to ask her for a clean slate. It was almost like déjà vu, just that the roles were reversed. She hoped that Emily would agree to what Alison was there to propose, and that afterwards, they could once again start anew. "I was wondering if you wanted to come over tonight?" Alison was nervous, but was able to control it enough that Emily hadn't picked up on it.

This was good, because if she had felt Alison's nerves, she wouldn't have been so quick to accept. A smile lit up Emily's face and it was hard for Alison not to follow suit. "I would love that! Do you think I could pick up Jessica from school today?"

Alison's smile faltered and she bit the inside of her cheek. "Actually, Hanna is picking her up today and is going to keep her for a little while tonight."

The smile washed away completely from Emily's face and her breathing started to become a little labored. She felt her pulse begin to race and could feel her heart beating in her chest. Beads of sweat began to form on her forehead and her palms as she clenched her fists at her sides. A flash of panic washed across Emily's face as she spoke. "You're ending us, aren't you?" Emily's voice cracked, choked with emotion. "That's why you blew me off this morning!" Tears began to well up in Emily's eyes.

Alison frowned and shook her head as she pushed off the desk and stepped closer to Emily. "I'm sorry I didn't meet you this morning. I just needed a little time to process everything that happened this weekend." Emily avoided eye contact with Alison, but the blonde saw a lone tear drop from Emily's face and hit her sneaker. She reached out and took both of Emily's hands in her own. Alison ducked her head to meet Emily's gaze.

Alison was met with pools of sadness. Emily locked onto Alison's eyes and whispered. "I can't lose you, Ali."

Alison squeezed her hands and gave her a sad smile. "I just want to talk, Em. I'm sorry that I pushed you away, but I wasn't ready to talk. I am now though, so can we please talk, tonight?" Emily nodded her head in agreement and Alison squeezed her hands one more time before letting them go. "Thank you," Alison said as she made her way to the door and opened it before heading into the locker room and towards her classroom. Her stomach was in knots with anticipation, but Alison knew that prolonging this was only going to make it worse. She didn't want to waste any more time in this weird, "in-between" stage with Emily. She wanted to either work it out and get back to them as a couple, or decide to go their separate ways and figure out how to co-parent Jessica. She hoped with all of her being that they would be able to work it out, but Alison still wasn't one hundred percent sure that they could. Either way, Alison needed answers and she was determined to get them by the time she fell asleep tonight.

Emily stood in the same spot, unmoving, breathing in the scent of Alison that was still surrounding her. She didn't know what had just happened, but she knew that tonight would be a turning point in her life. She knew that one of two things would happen. Either, her and Alison would work things out and give their relationship another go, or Emily's heart would be shattered into a million pieces and she would need to figure out how to move on without Alison. Emily watched as three more tears splashed onto her sneakers before she sat down in her chair to gather herself before her next class. She glanced up at the clock. She only had two more classes, but she was dreading the end of the school day and her talk with Alison.

 **A/N 2: So, how do we all think this talk is going to go? I know some of you wanted the talk to happen at the dinner, but that was more about Emily spending time with Jessica and for Alison to see if she** ** _could_** **possibly get past everything. And it seems like she's made up her mind, now they just need to clear the air between them. Alison has a lot of questions she needs answered before they can move forward. And Emily has some things she needs to get out into the open, also. Who's excited to hear what Emily has to say for herself? Also, how do we feel about Paige being back? She seemed a little sketchy, eyeing Emily all up and down like she was. Do you guys think she has some ulterior motives going on, or is she really just there for the job? Sound off, let me know what you guys think! Like I said, I'll see you back on Wednesday!**


	12. Moving Forward

**A/N: Happy hump day everyone! As promised, here is my Wednesday update. I saw a couple new reviewers last chapter, so welcome to the party for any newcomers. I love waking up to new reviews to this story, it really makes my day. I love the feedback I get. And thank you to everyone for the follows/favorites. Like I said, this will be my last update for about a couple of weeks, and I tried to make it a good one and a long one. Sorry if some of you wish my chapters were longer, but honestly I only write in my free time when I'm alone, and I don't have a ton of it on a weekly basis. I try my best to give you long chapters, but I also don't want to seem** **repetitive and say the same thing over and over just to make it longer. So, like I said, this is one of the longer ones and it's the moment I think a lot of you have been anticipating. I'll let you read and I hope you enjoy! Please remember to keep all hands and feet in the ride until we have come to a complete stop! See you at the bottom :)**

Emily pulled up in front of the house that she once called home a little after 4:30. After Alison had left her office, the rest of the day seemed to crawl by. She just wanted the day to end so that she could go see Alison and work things out between them. However, once the final bell rang, Emily was hit with a rush of anxiety unlike anything she had ever felt before at the thought of possibly losing Alison. Her heart felt like it was fluttering in her chest and her stomach felt like it wanted to rid itself of anything Emily had eaten over the past day or two. Her palms were slick with sweat and she felt beads of perspiration forming along her hair line. She took an extra twenty minutes in her office after school to go through every breathing exercise that Dr. Leonard had taught her while he was her doctor. After what felt like an eternity, Emily was calm enough to head out of the building and get behind the wheel of a car. However, she still didn't feel ready to face Alison, so she texted her that she needed to stop at Hanna's loft to change really quick and then she would be over. Once she got to Hanna's loft however, she considered _not_ going to see Alison and just spending the rest of the night curled up on the couch under a blanket. Then she remembered that Hanna was supposed to have Jessica for the night and knew that Alison had purposely made time for them to talk. The last thing she needed to do right now was to blow her off, especially if she wanted to prove that she had changed. So, there she was, walking up to the front door, her head spinning and her knees feeling like they would give out on her at any minute.

She lightly knocked on the door. Her heart began to race faster after what seemed like minutes had passed and there was no answer at the door. It took every ounce of courage within her to bring her fist to the door again, but Emily did it and knocked louder this time. After abut thirty seconds, Emily was beginning to lose hope that Alison would ever answer the door. She turned to walk away as she heard the door unlocking. She turned around to see Alison standing behind the door, peeking her head around the corner. Emily was able to see that she was in one of _her_ old t-shirts and her eyes looked puffy, like she had been crying recently. Emily frowned at how different the blonde seemed to the woman who had snuck into her office just a few hours beforehand. She didn't say anything, but instead stepped back and opened the door wider. Emily took the silent offer and stepped inside.

Both women stood in the foyer in awkward silence, neither one knowing what to say to the other. As nervous as she was, Emily decided to stop delaying the inevitable and cleared her throat. "Thank you. For inviting me over."

Alison looked at her and gave her a slight head nod. "Do, um, do you want something to drink?"

"No, I'm ok, thanks." Emily was wringing her hands together in front of her.

"Ok. I'm going to get a water. Why don't you go sit on the couch?" Alison said as she motioned towards the living room. Emily nodded before walking away from Alison slowly. The blonde made her way into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water from the pitcher in the fridge. She put the glass down on the counter and placed both her palms flat against the cool marble. She dropped her head onto her shoulders and took in a few long, calming breaths. She reminded herself that she and Emily _needed_ to have the conversation they were about to have, whether they liked it or not. _This_ was the only way to move forward. Once Alison felt like she had her nerves under control, she headed back into the living room. She took a seat at the opposite end of the couch from Emily and rested her elbows on her knees as she clasped her hands together. She looked over at Emily, who had her head bowed and her hands still nervously wringing together between her knees. Alison took a deep breath and began the dreaded conversation. "Why, Emily?"

Emily's head slowly turned towards Alison and she gave the blonde a confused look. There were _so_ many directions that simply question could go in, and the brunette had no idea where Alison was headed. "Why what?"

"For eight months, I didn't hear anything from you." Alison was trying her hardest to keep her voice level and even. She was trying her hardest to keep her emotions in check because honestly, she just wanted to hear what Emily had to say and then process it later tonight, by herself. "I know you didn't want to talk to me, but weren't you even the _least_ bit concerned about your daughter?"

Emily's mouth pulled down at the corners. "I never said I didn't want to talk to you, Ali." Emily tried to reach out to grab Alison's hand but she pulled away.

"Oh really? Could've fooled me with the things you said to me before you left!" The blonde scoffed. Alison's attempt to stay calm had failed miserably and she was looking at Emily with pure anger in her eyes.

Emily flinched back. She _hated_ the things that she said to Alison, and in front of all of their friends and family no less. "Ali, I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it!"

Emily tried to reach for Alison's hand again, but this time the blonde stood up and rounded the coffee table, putting plenty of distance between the two former lovers. "You did, though, Emily!" Alison's voice was rising and she was glad that Hanna had Jessica far away from this right now. She didn't need to see or hear her mother's fighting. _This_ is why Alison didn't want to have this talk last night over dinner. "Somewhere deep down, you meant it! Or else you wouldn't have said it!"

Emily stood up, but stayed next to the couch. "I was drunk, Ali!"

Alison threw her hands up. "I get it, I do! I failed you. I wasn't there when you needed me." It had hurt Alison to no end that she hadn't been there for Emily when she needed her most, but she was trying her best to forgive herself for that. "But you _promised_ Jessica! You promised us you would always _be_ there!" Tears began to flood Alison's eyes and she brought her gaze up to the ceiling, as if it would somehow stop gravity and her tears wouldn't fall. It failed, and Emily noticed dual tears fall down Alison's cheeks.

Emily rounded the coffee table, but still kept about two feet of space between them. "I needed help, Alison. I knew I needed to be better for Jessica." She took a tiny step forward. "And for you."

Alison looked up into Emily's eyes. They held nothing but honesty in the words that she was speaking. Slowly, her walls began to break. The tears began to flow freely down her cheeks and her shoulders began to shake with sobs. Emily wanted to reach out to her, but stopped herself, not wanting Alison to back away for a third time. "Why me? You didn't love me anymore." Alison managed to speak through heavy sobs and her voice was low. She had finally built up the courage to tell Emily how she felt.

Emily frowned again as tears threatened to spill over her eyes. Hearing Alison question her love for her felt like a knife straight through her heart, but she understood she only had herself to blame. She didn't know if she would ever forgive herself for what she put Alison through, but she knew she didn't in a million years ever want Alison to question the love the brunette had for her. "Ali, I've never _stopped_ loving you."

Alison continued to stare down at the floor and shook her head. "You don't say things like that to the person you love. You don't make them feel that way, Emily." Alison took in a deep, shaky breath, but she never brought her head up to meet Emily's gaze. "Before you left, I honestly didn't think you loved me anymore. And when you didn't call, it only confirmed it."

Emily was screaming at herself in her head. _Why didn't you just call her, you idiot?! Now you've probably lost her for good!_ Tears began to spill down Emily's cheeks. "If I could take it all back, I would, Ali! Please, you have to believe me!" Emily cried. "I wanted to be _better_ for you. I wanted to be completely back to the person I was before everything happened. I wanted to be the woman who deserved your love."

"But in the process, you made me feel worthless, unworthy of love." Alison's voice was barely above a whisper, but it seemed much more composed than it had just a few moments ago.

Emily's heart shattered at Alison's admission. She never knew the extent of what Alison went through, first because she was too angry and selfish to see anything from the blonde's point of view, and then because Emily was too ashamed to reach out while she was in rehab, although Dr. Leonard encouraged her daily to do so. Emily knew that if she had any chance of winning Alison back, she had to be honest with her. After all Emily put her through, Alison deserved to know _why_. Emily took a deep breath, trying to stem the tears flowing down her cheeks and began from the beginning. "I went through a really dark time in the beginning of high school."

"Yeah, because of me," Alison scoffed.

Emily frowned. "No, not because of you. Because of _me_. Because _I_ didn't reach out for help. Because _I_ didn't let anyone know how much I was hurting. My dad always told me how strong I was and how I just 'rolled with the punches'. I felt like I _always_ needed to be strong, especially when my dad deployed and my mom would be a nervous wreck. I couldn't let her see how nervous and afraid I was of losing him because it would only make it worse for her." Emily remembered the nights she would lay awake, crying, worrying about her dad. All she wanted was to go lay with her mom and have Pam hold her and tell her everything would be ok. But she felt like she couldn't, because it would only make her mom worry more seeing Emily that way. "My junior year of high school, I was named a junior captain. The captain, our star senior, was involved in a really bad car crash and ended up being paralyzed. She was one of my best friends on the team, but the team looked to _me_ as their new leader. They all looked to _me_ to be strong. I couldn't grieve for my best friend almost dying because the team _expected_ me to take her place." Emily frowned at the memories of her and Ashley. They were almost inseparable since the day they met and were looking forward to swimming together for Ashley's senior year. They had even made plans to try to get into the same college and to keep swimming together at the next level. Ashley was the only one in Texas that knew of Emily's past and what she went through those few weeks at Rosewood High. Ashley was truly her best friend in the entire world. That was all changed though when her boyfriend decided it was a good idea to drive her home from a party after he had downed a six pack and four shots of tequila. Emily remembered visiting her in the hospital, trying her best to stay strong. When she got home from the hospital that night, her mom was in tears after just finding out that her father was deploying the next day. She sat at the table and comforted Pam and didn't let _her_ tears fall until she was alone in her room that night.

Alison stood there in shock of what she was hearing. She had never heard Emily talk about any of her life before coming back to Rosewood. Sure, she had gotten the cliff notes version, but Emily had never told her about almost losing her best friend in Texas. She did remember seeing Emily post a news article about a car accident when she was looking through her social media one day during her 'stalker phase', but she never imagined that they were as close as Emily had just said they were. Alison didn't know how to feel about any of this. She didn't know why Emily had never told her any of this before. Then her head took her back to Dr. Sullivan's words. " _Recovery is an extremely hard process. It more likely than not involves uncovering a lot of hidden feelings and emotions that have been buried down deep within someone. Things that person doesn't even want to acknowledge."_ Alison silently wondered if this was one of those things that Emily tried to keep buried deep within herself and not let anyone see. She could feel her walls crumbling more and she felt the urge to wrap Emily in a hug at the pain she could hear in her voice.

Emily paused for a second and wiped away the tears that had gathered at her jawline. That first part was hard to get through, but she knew that this next part was going to be even worse. "When my dad died, I felt like I had to be strong for my mom. I thought that if I crumbled, she would crumble. So I buried everything deep down inside and never truly dealt with it. It was just one more thing buried inside of me that I didn't want to acknowledge. But I didn't realize how much I needed closure until… well…" Emily trailed off, not wanting to continue her thought, but she knew she had to. Alison deserved to know the _whole_ truth, even if she decided she never wanted anything to do with Emily ever again. Alison continued to stare down at the floor, so Emily continued. "When I had to…" Emily swallowed hard. She had only acknowledged her decision about her mother once to Dr. Leonard, and it was one of the hardest things she had ever had to do in her life, before this moment standing in front of Alison. "When my mom died, I felt like I couldn't grieve again. I felt like I had to take on the world alone. I felt like I had to be strong, for you, and for Jessica. For that whole month in the hospital, I just grew angrier and angrier at the fact that neither one of my parents would see their granddaughter grow up, or be there to walk me down the aisle. That neither one of them would be there for Sunday brunches at our house or would spend another holiday with us." Emily's voice cracked, full of emotion, but this time of sadness instead of anger. To Emily's surprise, Alison reached out tentatively and took her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

Alison could feel the emotions pouring out of Emily. Even though she still couldn't bring herself to meet Emily's gaze, she could feel Emily's eyes focused solely on her. She could feel her walls being chiseled away with each word Emily spoke. The pain in her voice was pulling at Alison's heart, begging for her to reach out to Emily and tell her everything would be ok. But her head told her not to look up. Her head told her that if she did, the walls would fall away completely and even though that's what Alison's heart wanted, her head refused to go down without a fight.

"I was so mad, Ali, and I blamed you, because it was easier than blaming either one of them. God, who blames their dead parents for not being around?" Emily scoffed. Besides taking her anger out on Alison, Emily felt an unhealthy rage towards the fact that both her parents had left her. And that was something that had messed with her head at the time. _It's not like they_ wanted _to die, why are you blaming them?_ Emily would often yell at herself in her head, knowing how irrational and unfair it was that she took her anger out on the people that loved her, whether they were alive still or not, but she honestly couldn't help it. It just continued to build up within her and she didn't know what to do with it. "The day I had to make that decision, something inside of my broke. I felt completely numb. I didn't know _how to feel_." Alison dropped Emily's hand and she immediately missed the warmth of the blonde's skin on hers.

Alison's eyes were still trained on the floor. "Why didn't you tell me any of this? I tried _so hard_ to be there for you, Em." Her voice was hoarse from crying, but she needed to know _why_ exactly Emily had shut her out.

Emily frowned and wiped away more tears that feel down her cheeks. "You were going through so much, Alison. You needed to focus on yourself. I couldn't burden you with my stuff. It didn't seem fair to add more to your load while you were struggling." Alison didn't acknowledge the words that had fallen from Emily's lips and continued to keep her head low. Emily took a breath, trying not to feel discouraged and continued to press on, determined to get out all she needed to say. "For weeks, I walked around feeling like a shell, felling nothing inside. Then one night, I stumbled into that bar and for the first time in over a month, I felt _something._ I felt like maybe I could be okay. That _we_ could be ok. But that feeling didn't last. Once I was sober again, it just brought back the nothingness. Until one day, being sober brought back the anger. I was so angry at everything, and I took it out on you because in a _really_ messed up way, I hoped that you loved me enough to one day forgive me." Emily reached forward and took both of Alison's hands. She was relieved when Alison didn't pull away.

Alison could hear the regret in the brunette's voice and could feel it down to the depths of her soul. The feel of Emily's hands in hers felt like a cool drink of water in the middle of the Sahara under a hot early afternoon sun. She _needed_ to feel Emily closer to her. She took a small, tentative step forward, but still didn't look up. Emily could see the stains on Alison's socks from all the tears falling from her face.

"Alison, please, look at me." Emily couldn't take looking at the top of Alison's head anymore. She _needed_ the blonde to look her in the eye when she told her this last part. When Alison did finally look up, Emily's already shattered heart felt like it was now being walked all over, the shards being pulverized into the pavement. Alison's eyes held so much pain and heartbreak. Tears were streaming fast and furious down her face. Emily wanted nothing more than to wrap the blonde up in her arms and hold her close. To make her feel loved. Because she did deserve love. She was _worthy_ of love. "I took my anger out on you and Jessica, and that is the biggest regret I have ever had in my life. Hurting you, and making you feel unworthy of love, it makes me hate myself." Emily swallowed the lump that was in her throat and brought both of her hands to Alison's face, gently cupping her cheeks. A single tear slid down her olive skin. She breathed deep and then spoke again, her voice full of conviction. "But you need to hear me on this. I've _never_ stopped loving you, Alison DiLaurentis. Since I was fourteen, there has been no other woman in the world, who is as beautiful as you are. You have such a big heart and I'm so sorry that I broke it." Tears were streaming down both women's faces now. "But I promise you, that I will make it up to you, every single day of my life, if you'll let me."

Emily looked at Alison. Alison looked at Emily. Blue eyes scanned back and forth, trying to find any hint of deception in the words that just poured from those perfect lips she loved so much. Emily was looking at Alison with apologetic eyes and in that moment, Alison knew that _her_ Emily was in there. It wasn't drunk, angry Emily. It wasn't bitter, resentful Emily. It was her sweet, loving Emily. Her Emily who must have searched for _weeks_ to find her the one of a kind Christmas present. Her Emily who held her hair back and cleaned up her vomit when she suffered from morning sickness early in her pregnancy. Her Emily that _always_ put her and Jessica first, the protector. Her Emily that would do anything to put a smile on Alison's face and make her feel loved.

Alison couldn't fight back the feelings stirring inside of her any longer. Emily had succeeded in breaking through Alison's walls. Her hands rushed up to Emily's cheeks and she pulled her in for a searing kiss. Their lips molded and moved in sync as Alison swept her tongue along Emily's lips, deepening the kiss. Emily could feel the desperation coming from Alison, so she didn't fight for dominance and let Alison control the kiss. Alison swept her tongue along the top of Emily's mouth, which sent shivers down the brunette's spine. After a couple of minutes, Alison pulled back, her chest heaving from lack of oxygen. "I never stopped loving you, either," Alison whispered as she rested her forehead against Emily's. Alison had missed this closeness between the two of them. It had always been their _thing_ , and Alison never realized how intimate it was until this moment. They stood there, looking deep into each other's eyes, mouths only inches apart.

"I'm so sorry, Ali," Emily whispered as she closed her eyes, her breath washing over Alison.

"I know, Em. I forgive you."

The smile that appeared on Emily's face was one that, before today, Alison wasn't sure she would ever see again. Her Emily was finally back, and she was going to do everything in her power to make it work between them. In Emily's head, she breathed out a mental sigh of relief, thanking any deity she could think of for Alison's forgiveness. It was all she had wanted for months, just a chance to make things _right_. With her now back in the blonde's life, there was _no way_ she was going to screw up again. She was going to do everything in her power to show Alison just how much she loved both her and Jessica and how much she wanted to be in their lives.

Alison slid her hand down Emily's arm and intertwined their fingers. "C'mon, let's go get Jessica from Hanna's, she was asking for you this morning," Alison said as she gently pulled Emily towards the door. Emily's cheeks were beginning to burn with how big her smile was growing by the second. This week had been an absolute roller coaster of emotions for Emily, but in this moment, she felt like she was on top of the world. She knew that they would continue to have their ups and downs, but she was learning how to deal with the lows that life threw her instead of burying them deep inside of her. For right now, she was going to enjoy this high and hopefully, spend some time very soon with Alison and Jessica, as a family.

 **A/N 2: Well, there it is. A look into Emily's past. How do you guys feel about it? Anyone need a tissue? I don't know if I posted it in a previous A/N, but like I said, we haven't gotten much of Emily's past, between 'Coming Home' and this story. We see a lot more of Alison's feelings and reactions towards things that happen, but we never see Emily really, truly dealing with it. And it came back to bit her in the ass in the end. But I plan on exploring a few more parts of her past as we continue on our journey. Honestly, this was the scene that inspired this who story and was one of the first that I wrote after the very first chapter. I hope you guys enjoyed, please sound off and let me know what you thought of it. I'll see you guys in a couple weeks, have a great day everyone :)**


	13. New Beginnings

**A/N: Hey guys! I'm back. Thanks for being so patient with me and my little break. My schedule in the summer is a little unpredictable for the next couple of weeks, so updates may not be as consistent as you and I would like, but I will try my best. I know for sure that I will have one out on Friday. Thank you so much for the love so far on this fic. If you guys are bored and need something to tide you over between updates, I highly suggest going to lifeofapll's profile and reading her stuff, she's awesome. Thanks for reading and reviewing, hope you enjoy this next chapter! See you at the bottom...**

Emily had sat at the breakfast bar and stared off into space for the past hour. Her mid was buzzing with the events that had unfolded earlier in the evening. A small smile crept across her face as she remembered the feeling of Alison's lips on her own, of her tongue dominating and exploring her mouth. She brought her fingertips lightly to her lips, still feeling the electricity dancing across them. Emily could still feel Alison's forehead against hers and felt the warmth of her breath washing over her as she uttered the most precious words Emily had ever heard. " _I know, Em. I forgive you."_ Emily couldn't believe her ears when she heard the words fall from Alison's lips. Emily had never been so candid and open with _anyone_ in her life before, other than Dr. Leonard. And oddly, it felt amazing. When she originally started opening up standing in front of the blonde in the living room where they had shared so many memories together, both good and bad, she did it because she felt like Alison _deserved_ to know why everything had happened the way that it did. But she never realized that opening up like that would break down Alison's walls in the way that they did. She never expected Alison to kiss her the way that she did, or even forgive her for that matter. _But she did,_ Emily smiled.

After they had left Alison's house hand in hand, they headed for Hanna's loft to see Jessica. They discussed it on the way over and agreed that they needed to take things slow and Alison thought it would be best for the two of them to take the night away from each other and really think things through. Emily had said that she had agreed with the decision, but went incredibly quiet after that.

 _"_ _Em, what's wrong?" Alison asked as she glanced over to Emily sitting in the passenger seat of her car. Their hands had been connected since they left her house, but the brunette pulled hers away a few minutes ago after a pause in their conversation. As they came up to a red light, Alison could see that Emily was wringing her hands together in her lap and pulling on her fingers periodically. Alison had only seen Emily this nervous a couple of times before, one being when she first showed up on Alison's doorstep earlier that afternoon. She thought that their conversation, however, would have put Emily's mind at ease some._

 _"_ _You promise me that I can come see Jessica tomorrow?" Emily asked nervously while staring down into her lap._

 _Alison's face scrunched up in confusion. "Of course you can see her tomorrow, Em. Why would I keep her from you?" Alison asked, genuinely curious as to Emily's sudden change in demeanor._

 _Emily opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to put into words what she wanted to say. She eventually closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "What if you go home and change your mind?"_

 _The light turned green and Alison slowly pulled the car around the corner and into an open parking space. She put the car in park and unbuckled her seatbelt so she could turn in her seat to face the brunette. She reached forward and placed a reassuring hand on Emily's knee. "Sweetie, I'm not going to change my mind. I promise you that."_

 _Emily glanced down at Alison's hand on her knee and a small smile crept onto her face. It fell immediately, however when she brought her gaze up to Alison's. Blue eyes locked onto brown and Alison's heart broke at the pain and uncertainty that swirled in them. A single tear slipped down Emily's cheek and Alison quickly reached up with her free hand and wiped it away. "I promised you and Jessica and I broke it. You're going to do that same to me so I know how you feel!" Emily cried._

 _Alison frowned at Emily's words. A sense of guilt flew through her as she recalled how much she_ had _wanted to hurt Emily on Thursday outside of her house. She_ had _wanted Emily to feel the pain and heartbreak that she had suffered without the brunette by her side. But after Emily was so open and honest with her, she realized just how deep Emily's pain already ran. She felt awful for putting the woman she loved through any more pain than she had already been through. "Baby, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I don't want you to hurt any more than you already are."_

 _Emily sniffled as she saw the honesty in Alison's eyes. "But I hurt you! I hurt you, Alison, so I deserve to feel this way."_

 _Emily whimpered when she suddenly felt a pair of soft lips pressed to her own. She felt Alison's hands on either side of her face, gently rubbing soothing circles with the pads of her thumbs. After a second, she closed her eyes and reveled in the feeling. Their kiss never deepened, but Emily could feel the love Alison had for her in that kiss. Alison slowly pulled away, but kept their foreheads touching, so they could feel the other's soft breathe against their lips. "You only deserve to feel love, Em. You've felt far too much pain that you've never felt safe enough to share with anyone."_

 _Emily closed her eyes again and took a shuddering breathe. "I never meant to hide anything from you, Ali."_

 _"_ _I know, Em," Alison said softly as she continued to rub up and down Emily's jaw line, enjoying the feel of Emily's soft skin beneath her touch. It was a feeling that Alison never wanted to live without ever again._

 _Emily opened her eyes and saw crystal blue locked onto her. "I just didn't think it affected me like it did, until it was too late," Emily said, a hint of embarrassment in her voice at the last few words that fell from her lips._

 _Alison gave Emily a sad smile. "I'm sorry that I couldn't be strong enough for you and you felt that you couldn't count on me." Emily went to open her mouth to speak, but Alison gently shook her head and slid the thumb of her right hand over to gently lay against Emily's lips, effectively silencing her from saying anything else in that moment. Alison didn't want either one of them to feel bad anymore about what they had been through. They were both strong now, and she was ready for them to move forward,_ together _. "I'm feeling better than I have in my entire life, and it's all thanks to you." Emily's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, causing a small giggle to fall from Alison's mouth. "Because you gave me a reason to want to be better. And I promise you, if you ever need to fall apart, I will be there to catch you and help put you back together."_

 _Alison wiped the tears that began to fall from Emily's eyes once again. This time, it was Emily who surged forward and connected their lips in a desperate kiss. Alison could taste the salt from Emily's tears and her heart broke knowing how much pain Emily had gone through. They had both endured so much pain in their pasts, and Alison so desperately wanted them to move forward,_ needed _them to move forward. "I love you, Ali, more than I think I can ever tell you in words," Emily said as she reluctantly pulled away after a few seconds._

 _"_ _I love you, too, Em. And I'm going to show you how much you_ deserve _love, every day from here on out." Emily gave Alison a small smile and the blonde could see a glint return to chocolate brown eyes. She gave Emily a full on smile, her dimples popping as she turned back in her seat and put her seatbelt back on. "Let's go see Jessica, okay?" A genuine smile crossed Emily's face as she felt Alison's hand reach across the center console and find its way to her left hand before intertwining their fingers together._

After saying goodbye to Alison and Jessica, Emily had made her way to the kitchen and put on the kettle for some tea. She was lost in her thoughts when the whistle alerted her that her water was boiling. She had sat down at the bar with her steaming mug of tea, which was where she remained until Hanna came down into the living room. Emily, however, was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice Hanna calling out to her. She only noticed her blonde best friend when she sidled up next to her at the bar and playfully started to knock on her head.

"Earth to Emily! Anyone home?!" Hanna leaned in to speak into Emily's ear.

Emily nearly fell off her chair at the sudden sound and feeling. "What the hell, Hanna! Are you _trying_ to give me a heart attack?" Emily gawked at her with wide eyes and one hand over her heart, trying to steady its rhythm.

Hanna just chuckled at the sight of Emily's eyes almost bulge out of her head. "Well I called your name like fifty times and you just continued to sit there with that goofy grin on your face! I gave you guys your privacy once you got here and made myself scarce, but now I need all the deets. So spill it, Fields!" Hanna said as she nudged Emily in the shoulder, none too gently. Emily rubbed her shoulder as she gave the blonde an annoyed look. Hanna just continued to stare at her. "Well?!"

"Well what, Hanna?" Emily tried to play dumb, simply because it was fun to mess with Hanna a little bit.

Hanna wagged her finger at Emily's face. "You know perfectly well 'what', miss Fields!" She pulled her cell phone out of her back pocket and began typing away. "If you won't tell me, I'll just have to ask Ali," she said matter-of-factly.

Emily chuckled and grabbed Hanna's phone out of her hands. "What do you want to know, Han?"

Hanna wiggled her eyebrows at Emily. "You two seemed pretty cozy when you showed up. Did you two…" Hanna raised her eyebrows and waved her hand in the air. "…do it?"

Emily rolled her eyes at her blonde best friend. "Even _if_ we did, Han, I wouldn't come running my mouth to you about it!"

"But _something_ happened, I can feel it! You seem _different._ " Hanna tapped her finger to her chin as if she was lost in thought. "But you kissed!" Hanna exclaimed in excitement, as if a light bulb had just gone off in her head. Emily tried to hide the blush creeping up her cheeks, but it was no use. "I knew it! So are you two back together, then?"

Emily looked down into her almost empty mug filled with now cold light brown liquid. "I don't know what we are at the moment, Han." Emily's tone was soft and low, but a smile pulled at the corners of her mouth.

Hanna placed her hand on Emily's shoulder. "But you're going to get back together. You guys are made for each other. And when things are good, you are so in love it's nauseating to anyone within a fifty foot radius." Hanna nudged Emily, more playful this time.

Emily laughed as she threw her arm around Hanna and pulled her in close to her body. "Thanks, Han," she said as she slid off the chair and dumped the un-drank portion of her tea down the sink before rinsing her cup and placing it in the top rack of the dishwasher. Emily stretched out and tried to stifle a yawn. "That's all you're getting tonight, though. I'm exhausted and I need to get up early for work."

"Fine," Hanna huffed as she pulled herself down from the stool. But I want more details tomorrow," she scolded Emily and the brunette just chuckled at how stubborn and nosy Hanna was. After saying their goodnights, Emily settled down into the guest bed and under the blankets. She heard the buzz of her phone on the nightstand, and her face lit up when she saw a new message from Alison.

 **Sweet dreams, Em – Ali x**

 **Goodnight, Ali. I love you :) – Em x**

 **I love you, too – Ali x**

Emily's heart melted as she read the words on her screen. Things were finally starting to look up for her. As scared as she was to tell Alison the truth, she was beyond happy that she had. She knew that they had a lot more to talk about, but for right now, they were both happy. And as long as her blonde was _happy_ , that was all that Emily cared about.

~XXXXX~

"You look awfully chipper this morning," Spencer said, noticing that the smile that Alison had when she left for her run earlier was still plastered onto her face.

Alison's cheeks were still flushed from her run, but Spencer could see them turning a shade deeper red. "I've got things on my mind," Alison answered trying to sound nonchalant.

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Things, or a certain brunette?"

Alison laughed as she took a large gulp of her water. "I think we're going to be ok," Alison said, her eyes focused on the bouquet that hadn't left her kitchen table since Emily brought it over a few days prior.

"Oh yeah?" Spencer asked, downing the last of her coffee and walking over to the sink to rinse her mug before putting it in the dishwasher.

"Yeah, I understand her more. I get why it all happened and the pressure that she put herself under. It just got to be too much for her." Alison said as she moved around the kitchen and readied her lunch and Jessica's breakfast.

"Pressure from whom? From you?" Spencer asked, an accusing tone to her voice that Alison knew was just the brunette's own way of being protective.

"I don't want to tell her story for her, but I think it started with her dad."

"With Wayne?" Spencer asked, this time her tone laced with surprise. "Her dad was one of the best dads we had ever seen. He loved her and would do anything for her and her mom. Besides, it seemed like he was gone a lot with the military."

"Yeah, I think that was the problem. She told me that he counted on her to look after Pam when he was gone. I think she always felt like she needed to take care of everyone else, before she took care of herself." Spencer didn't reply as she fixed her gaze at the bouquet adorning the kitchen table. "Other stuff happened in Texas, and then when Pam passed, she felt like she couldn't fall apart because of what I was going through."

"So she blamed you?" Spencer brought her gaze over to Alison. The blonde couldn't get a read on Spencer's tone, but she had a feeling the brunette didn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it did.

"No, actually. She took the blame for everything. And I _know_ she feels awful for what happened. I can see it in her eyes, the guilt, and the remorse. But she can't let herself get consumed by that, because it will destroy her. And I've just gotten her back, I'm not going to lose her again. So if I can help her work though some of that guilt and show her what an amazing woman she is, I'm going to help her."

Spencer just smirked at Alison. "So, you finally found an answer to your question then, huh?"

"What question?" Alison asked, confused.

"When you asked me last week if love was enough to bring you two back together."

Alison chuckled and nodded her head. "Yeah, I guess love is always enough."

Spencer smiled as she put her jacket on. "I'm glad to hear that, Ali. You guys deserve to be happy after what you two have been through."

"Thanks, Spence." Once the brunette was out of the house, she quickly finished making her lunch and preparing Jessica's breakfast.

~XXXXX~

Emily was sitting in the teacher's lounge, at their normal spot, hoping that Alison would walk through that door. She knew that they had never talked about it, but she hoped that maybe Alison would show up early that day and they could share coffee together. Emily really did miss their coffee dates. She reminisced back to her early days at RHS and how her and Alison's relationship had blossomed at the very table where she currently sat.

 _"_ _Great Expectations, huh?" Emily asked as she slid into her seat. Alison jumped slightly, before catching Emily's eye and putting the book on the table in front of her. "Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt you, but I just wanted to say hi."_

 _"_ _Hi," Alison gave her a genuine smile. "How was your weekend?" She asked, a little shyly._

That was the day that their relationship started fresh again. It was a Monday morning and the Friday before, Alison had come to her office and asked her to start over and forget their past. Honestly, Emily hadn't needed the whole weekend to mull it over because she just felt such a draw and connection to Alison that she wouldn't have been able to stay away from the blonde. And she was so incredibly happy that she didn't. Even though they had enough pain and drama to last them a lifetime, Emily wouldn't have traded a second of it and she hoped that Alison felt the same. She smiled to herself as she allowed the love that she felt from Alison wash through her. She knew that after their talk the night before that everything would be ok.

"Seems like whoever you're waiting for stood you up again."

Emily was pulled from her thoughts by the now familiar voice. She frowned when she looked up and saw Paige going to sit down at the seat across from her. She frowned at the fact that that seat was _Alison's_ seat and wanted to voice that thought, but since Paige was now technically her boss, she decided to keep it to herself. Emily stared at the second cup of coffee she had once again gotten for Alison and sighed. "Our plans were never confirmed, so she's not technically standing me up."

"That's not for Alison, is it?" Paige asked, a hint of annoyance in her voice as she slid into the seat.

"Actually, it is, but I don't see how that's any of your business," Emily said, slightly annoyed that it wasn't Alison sitting across from her. When she realized how harsh her tone had seemed, she quickly grabbed her cup of coffee and offered her new boss a 'no offense', before taking a small sip of the caramel colored liquid.

Paige gave Emily a look of disbelief. "Are you two _seriously_ going to get back together?"

Emily stared at her in confusion. How had Paige even known about her and Alison? She hadn't seen the girl over a decade! "Wait, how do you know all of this? You just started yesterday!" Emily threw up her hands in disbelief.

Paige narrowed her eyes at the brunette sitting across from her, seeming to study her, which made Emily want to squirm under her intense gaze. But Emily held strong, not wanting to show any sign of weakness until she could figure out exactly what game Paige was playing at. "So, she didn't tell you, did she?" She picked up Alison's coffee cup and took a sip of it, scrunching her face up in disgust, which to Emily, seemed like a show of her dislike for Alison, mirrored in her dislike of her preference in how she took her coffee.

Emily wanted to reach across the table and grab the coffee out of her hand. She wasn't impressed with this conversation that Paige had started and she honestly just wanted the red head to leave her alone. However, she knew her place and knew that getting on Paige's bad side wasn't going to bode well for her in the future. So she clenched her jaw as she replied to Paige. "Tell me what?"

Paige just smirked as she placed the paper cup back on the table and pushed it away from her. Emily wanted to roll her eyes at the action, but refrained herself. Paige folded her hands on the table in front of her and leaned her upper body forward onto the table. "After the, uh, disappointing, season you had last year, Hackett told the old A.D. that he needed to find a replacement for you this past fall."

Emily matched Paige's seeming power play and mirrored her posture, leaning all her upper body weight on her arms folded on the table. "Yeah, I figured. What does it have to do with anything?" She was becoming increasingly annoyed with these games Paige seemed to want to play.

Paige's smirk turned into an almost sneer and Emily wanted to reach across the table and smack it off of her face. "Well, I was the coach this past season. I also took over your classes for a little while until they could find someone more long term with an _actual_ teaching certificate."

" _You_ took over the team?" Emily's mouth fell open in surprise as she leaned back in her seat and ran her fingers through her long, dark hair.

Paige leaned forward even farther into Emily's space. "Yeah. There's some real talent on that team."

Emily regained her composure and leaned back on her arms, not wanting to have Paige continue to have the upper hand in this little back-and-forth war of personal space that was raging between them. "But wait. What does any of this have to do with Ali?" Emily still didn't quite understand where Paige was going with this little game.

"As you know, this is a pretty small school. People talk. Especially the ones who happened to be at Jessica's birthday party." Emily's face flushed with embarrassment, and she silently cursed herself for allowing it to show. Emily saw a shift in Paige's eyes and her voice grew soft. "Listen, Em, you don't need to be embarrassed. Everyone hits a rough patch sometimes. All that matters is that you got the help you needed and you are healthy again."

"I… I…" Emily's head was reeling right now. She didn't know how to feel about Paige knowing so much about her life. Yeah, at one time, years ago, they had the potential to be more, but that was ruined when someone had invaded their privacy and posted their kiss for the entire school to see.

Paige took advantage of Emily's lack of response. "But I have to say that I'm concerned about your sobriety if you are going to go back to Alison. I don't think she's good for you, Emily. I mean, all the shit she put you through in high school? She ruined what we could have had! Plus, you were so miserable that day in the bar. I could see you weren't happy, Em." Paige reached forward and placed her hand over Emily's.

Emily felt her skin crawl underneath Paige's touch, but was too focused on what Paige had just said to pull her hand away. "The bar? What are y-" Emily was cut off when she heard the sweetest voice that her ears had ever heard. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard before slowly turning around and coming face to face with the woman that she had fallen in love with in within the very walls of the room where she was currently sitting while the girl that she had shared a kiss with in high school was holding her hand.

"Em?" Alison looked at Emily with confusion written all over her face. She had meant to be at the school earlier, on the off chance that Emily would be in the lounge waiting for her, but Jessica had woken up in a particularly difficult mood because of her cutting teeth. So it took Alison longer than she expected to get out the door and to get Jessica to day care. She had sped to the school, hoping to catch Emily before the first bell. What she had walked in on, though, was the _last_ thing that she expected. She felt her blood boiling at the sight of Pigskin with her hand touching Emily's. She needed to remove herself from the lounge before she did something she truly regretted. Without another word, Alison turned on her heel and left the teacher's lounge.

"Shit," Emily mumbled under her breath as she pulled her hand out from underneath Paige's and quickly jumped out of her seat, her head still reeling from Paige's words and Alison's discovery and subsequent exit. "Ali! Wait!" She called to the blonde as she headed out of the door. Suddenly, a missing piece of that fateful day came flooding back into the brunette's mind.

 **A/N 2: You didn't think I would make it that easy for them, did you? What do you guys think happened at the bar with Paige? How did you guys feel about Alison's comforting words to Emily in the car ride home? I also loved the Hanna/Emily and Spencer/Alison talks in this chapter. I thought writing this that I would have trouble with the Spencer/Alison talks, but they've been easier to write at times that Hannily, lol. Anyway, please let me know what you think. I LOVE hearing from you guys!**


	14. Lost Memories

**A/N: Hey guys, happy Friday. As always, thanks for the reviews and favorites/follows of this story. I love reading your reviews. I know some of you don't like Paige, but trust me, she won't be long for this story. There is still more that needs to be worked out between Alison and Emily, and Paige is going to be a way to help them do just that. But I promise you guys #Emisonisendgame. With that being said, on to the next chapter...**

 _Emily sat at the bar and nursed her third drink since stepping foot into the seedy establishment on the outskirts of Rosewood. She had hoped that the alcohol coursing through her body would have ebbed her anger, but it only fueled the rage she had burning inside. Except her anger was no longer directed towards Alison, but towards herself. She cursed herself for the way that she had spoken to Alison. But hearing Alison tell her that all their family and friends were going to be at Jessica's party had flipped a switch inside of her and brought out a whole new side to the brunette. And it was a side that she was_ definitely _not proud of._

 _She hadn't meant to tell Alison all of those things, even if it was how she felt. She knew that her head was a mess, and if she was being honest, she had been avoiding the blonde so that she_ wouldn't _blow up at her the way that she had just done a little over an hour before. She knew that Alison had gone through such a hard time after having Jessica and she just wished that she had more to give. But she didn't. When she had to remove Pam from life support, all the rest of the energy she had to give disappeared with the flat line of the monitor. She did have the presence of mind, though, to know that Alison absolutely did not deserve the brunt of her anger. And that made Emily feel even worse about the whole situation, because all Alison ever did was love her, and Emily couldn't even bring herself to speak to her unless absolutely necessary._

 _Emily took a deep breath and blew it out. Her life was a mess right now, and she didn't know how to fix it. The only time she felt anything other than the pain and weight of her life was when she was too drunk to even remember her own name. And she knew that her family deserved better than what she was giving them. She loved her family, honestly more than anything in the entire world. She knew that she was failing at showing them just how much she loved them, but she had so much pain in her heart that she didn't know how to even_ begin _to deal with it._

 _Everything from her past seemed to loom down on her. Her dad's voice was constantly in her ear, telling her to "stay strong, Emmy." Her mom was in her head, informing her of how she stayed strong through every change that they endured as a family. Her mom had always told her that she would have never gotten through all of her Wayne's deployments without Emily's strength. The words of her own swim coach interjected every so often, telling her how much her teammates looked up to her for her strength and resilience in trying times of adversity._ How was she supposed to fall apart when so many people relied on her? How was she supposed to be weak when she needed to be strong for everyone else? _Those questions kept flooding her mind, taking her unimaginably dark places within it._

 _Alcohol was the only way that she felt like she could stay strong. It numbed the pain enough to be able to function. But that's_ all _she was doing, she was functioning. She wasn't living by any means and she knew that Alison wasn't truly living, either. And that was what hurt her the most. Because of_ her _own actions, the love of her life wasn't truly living her life, either. She wanted so badly to be strong for Alison, but she was failing miserably. She had never felt so low and weak in her entire life._ Alison deserves so much better than you _, she berated herself. Emily was so lost in her own wallowing and self-loathing that she didn't notice when someone came to occupy the bar stool sitting next to her._

 _"You look like you could use a friend," the soft voice pulled Emily from her thoughts._

 _Emily never lifted her head, only side eying the red head sitting to her right, but not getting a good look at the face belonging to the voice. "You don't want to touch my life with a ten-foot pole, lady," she scoffed before bringing the tumbler to her lips and downing the remainder of the liquid within. She then looked to the bartender and tilted her glass towards him, a silent request for a refill._

 _The bartender seemed to give her a slight hesitation, but eventually walked over with a bottle of Jack and refilled her glass. He looked to the red head sitting next to her. "What'll it be?" he asked as he wiped down the counter in front of him._

 _"I'll take whatever she's having," the red head replied with a nod in Emily's direction. Emily quirked an eyebrow, but continued to stare straight ahead as she sipped from her glass. "So, you from around here?"_

 _Emily sighed. She really hadn't come for any conversation. She just wanted to forget about the argument that she and Alison had earlier that led her here. She just wanted to drink in peace and hopefully by the time she got home, the party would already be over before she could ruin the day for everyone. But, something about the voice felt familiar to Emily, so she figured that maybe she could pass the time with some small talk. "Yes and No. Born and raised until high school, moved to Texas and then California, before finding my way back." Emily stared down into the amber liquid before swirling it in her glass and bringing it back to her lips._

 _"Emily, right?" Emily nearly spit the liquid in her mouth onto the counter in front of her at the mention of her name. She was shocked because she hadn't recognized the voice talking to her, so she had no idea how the person knew her name. "I thought that was you!" Finally, Emily turned her head toward the red head and got a good look. The shock had sobered her up some, but she was still drunk enough where her vision was beginning to blur slightly. She furrowed her brows at the person sitting next to her. The redhead placed her hand on her chest. "Paige. Paige McCullers. We swam together freshman year of high school."_

 _Emily nearly fell off of her barstool._ Well, this is just fucking great! _She never imagined she would ever see Paige again after she had basically told her off that day in high school. Looking back, there would have been a time not too long ago that Emily would have liked to see Paige and apologize to her for her reaction to the video. But now, today, her sitting in this bar, Paige was the_ last _person she had wanted to see. She could feel the anger rising up within her as each second passed. She felt like a volcano, on the verge of erupting. "Paige." Emily gave her the fakest smile she could muster at the moment and returned to her drink._

 _"How have you been? It's so good to see you!" Paige said, her voice sounding sickeningly sweet to Emily's ears. For the first time, Emily could hear the alcohol in Paige's words, a sign that the red head had already enjoyed a few drinks before planting herself on the bar stool next to her._

 _Emily downed her drink in one gulp and signaled for another. The bartender gave her an apprehensive look, but Emily returned her own look of steely determination, to which the bartender just sighed and poured her out another measure. "Make it a double," she said coldly. With a sigh, he doubled the liquid in her glass and continued to serve the few other customers mingling about the bar. "Paige, I can't say it's good to see you, 'cause it's not. But can you please just fuck off?" Emily was in no mood to deal with Paige at the moment. She didn't need memories of that awful day in high school flooding her mind, making her feel_ even worse _than she was feeling at the moment._

 _Paige was taken about by Emily's behavior, but she was beginning to gain some liquid courage from the whiskey flowing through her mixing with the fruity drinks she had consumed before spotting the cute brunette and making her way to the bar. Little did she know that the brunette at the bar would be Emily Fields._ The _Emily Fields who she could've had something with if it hadn't gotten so screwed up before it even had time to blossom. "C'mon Em! What's with the attitude?"_

 _Emily could feel her blood beginning to boil. "The attitude?" she said, trying to keep her voice low so as not to cause a scene. That was the last thing she needed right now. "The only attitude I have is that I think you are a grade A bitch!" Emily seethed at her. She felt the anger that she felt for herself begin to turn itself on the red head next to her._

 _Paige just laughed, making Emily's rage grow tenfold within her. "Are you still mad about the whole kiss thing?" When Emily didn't answer, she nudged her playfully and continued. "C'mon, Em, that was so long ago! Plus, that kiss was pretty amazing." Paige wiggled her eyebrows at Emily._

 _"You know what I remember about that kiss, Paige?" Everything in Emily's vision was beginning to take on a reddish tint to it. As hard as she tried, she wasn't able keep her tone low at this point. "I remember being_ humiliated _the next day when the_ entire _school got off on watching it!"_

 _Paige threw her hands up in the air. "I didn't know Noel was gonna record it! But none the less, it was still hot! I'm glad I agreed to it!" Paige was beginning to sway slightly on her chair as the alcohol worked its way through her system._

 _"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Emily's fists were clutching her tumbler so hard that if she was in a more proper state of mind, she would be afraid she was going to shatter the glass in her hands. She couldn't believe the words that were spilling out of Paige's mouth. She watched on as Paige signaled for another drink and downed it in one swallow._

 _"Noel paid me to kiss you. I didn't want to at first, but I'm so glad that I did." Even though Emily's vision was still blurry, she could see the look of seduction in Paige's eyes. She wanted nothing more than to punch Paige in the face for that. At that moment, she felt like the biggest pawn in someone else's game. Emily downed the last of her drink, needing to do something other than look at Paige. When she set the glass back down, she turned and found Paige standing right next to her, her body pressed impossibly close to Emily's._

 _Emily felt extremely uncomfortable at that moment. "Back up, Paige," Emily said in a threatening tone that Paige didn't seem to pick up on. Paige put her hand on Emily's cheek, trying to turn her face to her own. Emily slapped her hand away. "I said back up! I'm in a relationship." Emily could feel her words becoming slurred as the effects of all the alcohol continued to dull her senses. But the one thing she continued to feel like a knife was the rage she felt towards Paige._

 _"With who?" Paige asked, disappointment in her voice._

 _"Her name is Alison." Emily said, her jaw clenched._

 _"Alison DiLaurentis?" Paige asked confused. When Emily didn't answer, she took it as confirmation. "You mean the_ bitch _that started this whole thing? The_ whore _of Rosewood High?"_

 _"Don't you_ dare _talk about her that way." Emily's voice was dangerously low and she stood up from her stool, swaying slightly as she did and clenched her fists at her sides. "She is more woman than you will_ ever _be!" Emily spat in Paige's face._

 _A smirk quickly appeared on Paige's face and without warning, she reached up and grabbed Emily's face, crashing their lips together in a sloppy, wet kiss. With Emily's inhibitions lowered because of the alcohol, she stood momentarily motionless, too shocked to move as she felt Paige's lips moving against hers. Suddenly, she was snapped back to reality when she felt the tip of a tongue running across her bottom lip. She brought her hands up to Paige's shoulders and pushed her away, violently. "What the_ fuck _, Paige!" Emily watched as Paige stumbled backwards, into the barstool that she previously occupied. Because of her intoxication, she was unable to catch herself as she lost her balance and crashed down to the floor. In an instant, Emily was standing over her, her eyes boring through to Paige's soul. "You disgust me!" Emily seethed as she felt a pair of strong arms around her, pulling her back upright._

 _"It's time for you to leave," she heard a strong, male voice shout to her as she was led to the door._

 _Emily stumbled on the asphalt as she was pushed out of the door, nearly falling flat on her face. Once her hand found the railing of the patio, she took a minute to get her bearings while the world stopped spinning. After a few minutes, she was upright and making her way out into the parking lot. "Well, shit," she mumbled to herself as she fumbled with her keys before getting into her car and heading back to her house and her daughter's birthday party._

Emily ran out into the hall, as fast as she could trying to find Alison. She tried to push the memory of Paige's lips on hers out of her memory and focused on Finding Alison. After everything they had been through the past two days and finally feeling like things could be okay between them, there was no way Emily was going to let Paige come in between that. She just needed to find Alison and explain that to her. That it wasn't what it looked like. Anxiety rose inside of her as she thought of how she was going to explain the fight in the bar to the blonde, but she was would cross that bridge when she got there. For right now, she just needed to make sure that Alison was alright.

First, Emily headed towards Alison's classroom, but frowned when she found the door open and the room unoccupied. As her shoulders slumped in defeat, she had an idea and headed down the hall to the same bathroom that she had found Alison in when she first started at RHS. "Ali?" Emily called out quietly as she slowly opened the door. She heard sniffling coming from the farthest stall and knew in an instant that it was Alison. Frowning, Emily closed the door behind her and switched the latch to lock it. She didn't need any early students walking in on them having the discussion they were about to have. "Ali, I know you're in here," Emily said, her voice as soft as she could make it.

"Go away, Em," was the response that came back and Emily's heart broke at the raspy-ness of Alison's voice, but her heart leapt a little that Alison had used her nickname and not her full name.

"Please, Ali. Can we talk? Let me explain," Emily pleaded as she walked over to the stall, placing her hands on either side of the door and resting her forehead against it.

"Is this all just a game to you?" Alison asked after a beat as she began to tear at the clump of toilet paper that she was using to dry her eyes with.

"No, Ali. I swear to you, it's not like that. Please, just open the door," Emily's voice was still pleading as panic began to take over her body. She was so afraid that this was it. Her heart hammered in her chest and she felt a lump forming in the back of her throat that no matter how hard she tried to swallow, wouldn't budge. Her eyes became wet with unshed tears. "Please, Ali," Emily said barely above a whisper as she closed her eyes and the tears began to fall.

Emily stiffened when she heard the lock unlatch from the other side of the stall door after another minute. She moved away when she came face to face with Alison and saw the look of heartbreak in her eyes. Alison walked out of the stall without looking at Emily and headed straight for the sink, washing her hands underneath the faucet. She splashed some water under her eyes and then gently patted her face dry with a paper towel. She turned back to Emily, her eyes wet with more unshed tears. "It's true, isn't it?"

In that moment, Emily had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She tried her best to swallow past the lump lodged in the back of her throat. "What is?" she croaked out as her stomach was doing flips and she thought that she was about to throw up.

"What Paige told me, about that day in the bar." Emily's eyes widened in surprise. She stood there, shocked and unable to move. When she couldn't formulate a response, Alison walked past her and unlocked the door to the bathroom. "She told me that you guys kissed. I didn't want to believe it, but after seeing you guys in the lounge, I don't know what else to believe anymore." With that, Alison Dilaurentis walked out of the bathroom, leaving a shocked Emily standing alone, willing with all her might to stop the tears that were about to fall and being completely unsuccessful at it. _Another thing I've failed at_ , Emily thought as she broke down at the bathroom sink.

 **A/N 2: Please don't hate me for the end, it just seemed like the most natural place to end... Please, let me know what you guys thought of it!**


	15. Stronger Than the Past

**A/N: Happy Monday guys! Sorry I never got an update out to you last week, but my week got pretty busy because my mom came to visit, so we hung out whenever I wasn't at work. So I figured I would give you guys an update a day early! I hope you all had a nice weekend and are surviving the heat if you live somewhere that's been getting brutal temperatures lately. Thank you as always for the reviews and for keeping me motivated. Here is the next installment. I hope you enjoy and I will see you all at the bottom!**

That whole day, Alison's mind had been reeling with flashes of what had occurred since Saturday night. From seeing Emily so broken and fragile, to the wonderful dinner they shared and to Emily _finally_ opening up to her about what she had been feeling since Pam died. She had woken up that day with so much hope and love in her heart for Emily. But then she walked in on Pigskin with her hands on Emily. And it didn't look like Emily was making any attempt to pull away. Her mind flashed to that conversation that she had with Paige one day after swim practice when Paige took over the team.

 _"_ _What are you doing here, Alison?" Paige questioned as Alison approached her after dismissing all the swimmers, her voice laced with disgust toward the blonde. She had seen Alison come in about 20 minutes ago and just sit and watch. To Paige, Alison had no reason to be there and she didn't appreciate her coming to snoop around her practice._

 _"_ _I'm just making sure that Ms. Anderson isn't swimming again until she brings her grades up in my class," the blonde said with a fake smile plastered to her face. Although it had been 4 months since Emily had left to seek treatment and they hadn't talked, Alison hated that Emily had lost her job as swim coach. She_ hated _even more that Pigskin had been right there to swoop in and scoop it up. She knew how much Emily had adored the job and the kids and didn't want to be the one to have to tell her that she lost the job. One of Alison's favorite things about the brunette was how her eyes used to light up when she would talk about her swimmers and the swim meets that first year she was at RHS._

 _Paige painted a fake smile on her face, as well. "Yes, Alison, I am well aware of the academic ineligibility rules. And so is Mia. So thank you so much for stopping by, but it won't be necessary after today." Paige extended her hand to usher Alison out of the natatorium._

 _But Alison didn't budge. She stood there with her Queen Bee persona written all over her face. She could see the frustration and annoyance written all over her face under that fake smile and the blonde couldn't help the smirk that tugged at her lips. She and Paige had always had a tumultuous, at best, relationship in high school. Alison had always hated the fact that Paige had gotten her lips to Emily's first. And now the fact that Paige had taken Emily's job? Alison was going to do everything in her power to make her time there as miserable as possible. She may have changed and wasn't the same stuck up bitch she was in high school, but there was no way she was going to make Paige's time here at RHS easy for her. She needed her to not stick around, so that when Emily_ did _come back, her coaching job would still be waiting for her next year._

 _Paige saw right through what Alison was doing. Paige wasn't the same scared, closeted little girl who used to be tormented by Alison DiLaurentis back in the halls of this school. Paige had been through a lot. She had grown up so much since high school and wasn't afraid of people like Alison anymore. To her, Alison was just like a fly, constantly buzzing around her ear to be a nuisance, but didn't really have the ability to do any real harm to her. Paige just sneered back at Alison. She had heard plenty of rumors about Alison and Emily from the girls on the swim team, as well as the occasional faculty gossiper and though she may have been drunk that day, she remembered all too well running into Emily in that bar a few months before. And while she felt bad that Emily had been in so much pain and so unhappy, she was secretly delighted when she heard from one of the other English teachers of what had happened when Emily returned home that afternoon. "You know, Emily was always too good for you." Instantly, Paige could see the smirk fade right off Alison's face. The blonde folded her arms across her chest as Paige noticed the color fade slightly from her cheeks._

 _Suddenly, the tables had turned on her. Alison didn't know how that even_ happened _, but it did._ Fucking Pigskin, _Alison seethed. She needed to keep her cool, but it wasn't as easy as Alison thought it would be. Alison could never keep her cool around Paige, not even in high school. Every time she saw her face, she just remembered_ that kiss _playing out over her laptop and the intense emotions that it had stirred inside of her. "I don't know what you heard, but Emily left me." Just saying the words out loud caused a lump to form in Alison's throat and it took everything within her to swallow it back down before it turned into a sob in front of Paige._

 _Paige stood there, with her arms crossed over her chest and a smirk on her face, partaking in a silent standoff with the blonde. Alison had just played into her hand and she wanted to savor this moment as long as she could before she delivered the final blow to Alison. Finally done reveling in her victory, Paige took one step closer towards Alison, looking down on her as she stepped just inches away from her face. "But_ you _broke her, Alison. She was at that bar that day, because of_ you. _She_ kissed _me that day, because she was so_ unhappy _with you."_

 _Alison felt her heart sink into her stomach._ Emily had kissed Pigskin? Again? _She felt Paige nudge her hard in the shoulder as she passed her and made her way out of the pool. Alison stood there, frozen. She didn't know how much time had passed, but cursed herself when she had gotten a call from the day care center stating that they would be closing in five minutes and Jessica still hadn't been picked up. Alison cursed under her breath and made her way out towards the parking lot._

Alison didn't want to believe that Paige was telling the truth that day. She honestly thought that Paige was just trying to get under her skin. Paige had always been one of Alison's favorite targets in high school, so she always just assumed that the red head was trying to get some payback for all the shitty things Alison had done to her over those four years. There was no way that Alison would have ever considered that Emily would cheat on her. But seeing Emily's reaction when she confronted her in the bathroom today had confirmed it. She could see in Emily's eyes that the brunette had wanted to deny it so badly, but she couldn't. She felt the tears well up in her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that day and let out a frustrated sigh because she didn't want to keep crying over Emily. She just wanted them to be _okay_ and _happy_. Was that too much to ask for?

Alison was pulled from her thoughts by a light knocking at the door. She glanced up and saw familiar raven locks standing in the doorway. She quickly looked back down to the stack of papers she was grading. "I need to get these graded before I go pick up Jessica."

Emily frowned, but mustered every ounce of courage and strength she had inside of her and pushed off the doorframe and towards the front of Alison's desk. The blonde didn't look up at the brunette, but Emily saw that her red pencil had stopped moving and Emily knew she was no longer grading. "I won't keep you, but I just need you to know what really happened," Emily started, her voice shaky. When Alison didn't object, she continued on. "I didn't remember what happened until it all came back to me. I guess I was dealing with so much other stuff and it was so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, that I didn't piece it together."

Emily paused again and this time it got Alison's attention. "Insignificant?" The blonde's voice was low and Emily had to swallow hard at the tone. "Kissing her was _insignificant?"_

" _She_ kissed _me,_ Ali!" Emily pleaded. When Alison stared at her, unblinking, she ran her fingers through her long, dark hair and blew out a deep breath. "She was there, she called you some really, _really_ awful names and I got so mad at her. I think she was _trying_ to work me up because I remember getting in her face and then she kissed me. I pushed her off of me and she fell into the stool and onto the ground. I tried to get in her face and yell at her some more for saying those things, but I got pulled off by the bouncer. And then I got kicked out and went home…" Emily trailed off, embarrassed because of what happened after that. Emily closed her eyes and wished that she could go back in time and relive that twenty four hours. She would do everything so, so differently. When she opened her eyes back up, she was shocked by what she saw.

Alison couldn't help the smirk that slowly appeared on her face, first because of the amusement of picturing Paige falling backwards onto a dirty bar floor, and then because of how adorable Emily's face looked when she opened her eyes back up. "So you had got into a bar fight when you were supposed to be at your daughter's birthday party?" Alison didn't know why, but she found the whole thing rather amusing. _Maybe I am going crazy_ , she thought to herself, but she was done with the tears and the pain. Since her return, Emily had been nothing but honest and open with her, and she had no reason to doubt that Paige was the culprit in the whole situation. It warmed her heart slightly to hear that even in her intoxicated state, that Emily still defended her. Even if their relationship was shit at that moment, Emily still didn't let Paige talk bad about Alison. And Alison felt her heart fill with love towards Emily and any pain and hurt left in her heart seemed to float away. For the first time in months, she truly felt like she was where she was supposed to be in life, happy and with the person she loved. No one was going to take that away from them again, _especially_ not Pigskin. She couldn't help the laugh that fell from her mouth as Emily stood there dumbfounded. The scene that she had conjured up in her head was something she envisioned out of an old episode of 'The Three Stooges'. She was finally broken from her laughter when she heard Emily's voice floating across the small space between them.

"So, you're not mad?" Emily was looking down at her hands nervously playing with her fingers.

Alison frowned at Emily's posture and got up and rounded her desk, so that she was standing in front of the brunette. She hooked her finger under Emily's chin and lifted her head so that she could see into her eyes. She had always gotten lost in Emily's eyes before, but now, they were so much more open and honest and Alison fell in love over and over every time she looked into them. "Did you _want_ her to kiss you?"

Alison's eyes flicked back and forth, as if searching the depths of Emily's soul. And in a way, she was. "No," Emily replied, her voice full of conviction and Alison didn't see a hint of deception within those beautiful chocolate orbs.

Alison leaned forward onto her toes and placed a gentle kiss to Emily's lips. "No, I'm not mad, Em. At least not with you." Emily furrowed her brows in confusion and Alison continued before Emily could question her. "I'm furious at her, for forcing herself on you, but I can see it in your eyes that you didn't want it."

"I only want you, Ali," Emily said, her voice still soft and timid, but full of conviction. Alison smiled before the two meet their lips in a firmer kiss than the last. Emily wrapped her arms around Alison and just held her. Alison missed the feeling of being in Emily's arms. It was the only place where she truly felt safe and protected from the rest of the world. They stood there for a few minutes, just staring into each other's eyes and enjoying the quiet between the two of them.

Eventually, Alison could tell that there was something else that Emily wanted to say. Alison furrowed her brows at the look in Emily's eyes. "What is it, Em?" Alison asked, her heart rate suddenly accelerating due to her rising anxiety about what was bothering Emily.

Emily looked away from Alison for a second before meeting her eyes again. She took a deep breath. "You remember that video that got sent around school? Of Paige and I?"

Alison clenched her jaw hard. She wished that video wasn't burned into her brain. She wished that her brain really did work like the movie 'Inside Out' and she could find the little marble of her watching that video and throw it into the memory dump, never to be remembered again. "Unfortunately," Alison mumbled.

"I remembered something she said that day at the bar." Alison brought her hands up behind Emily's neck and started to play with the little hairs at the base. Emily relaxed slightly under Alison's soft touch, and the feeling of Emily's soft baby hairs had a calming effect on Alison, as well. "She told me that Noel _paid_ her to kiss me."

"What?!" Alison's hands stopped moving and her eyes widened in surprise. "Did he tell her it was going to be recorded?"

"She said she didn't know it was going to be taped." Emily could tell that Alison was fuming. She could see that her cheeks were flushed pink, her nostrils were flaring in anger and her posture was stiff. "Alison," Emily said softly as she swallowed hard, trying to wet her mouth as it had suddenly gone dry.

Alison could tell that Emily was struggling with something. She could see the mental debate that Emily was having with herself, and she had a feeling she knew what it was about. She was at a point in her life where she took full responsibility for the type of person that she was in high school. She was awful to a lot of people who didn't deserve it, especially the one standing in front of her. And she was always by Noel's side every step of the way. So she didn't blame Emily for what her mind was thinking. However, she felt bad that Emily was so conflicted about asking her a question that she had every right to be curious about. She didn't want Emily feeling like she had to walk on eggshells around her anymore. She didn't want Emily to be scared of losing her anymore, because Alison had absolutely no plans of living another day without Emily by her side. So she decided to answer the question before Emily even needed to ask it. She looked Emily square in the eye, her fingers beginning to lightly play at Emily's neck once again. "No, Em. I didn't know he did that. And I'm sorry that you were part of his sick, twisted game." Alison's voice was soft and full of emotion.

Emily's eyes welled with tears. She felt so guilty for even thinking that about Alison. After everything she had put Alison and Jessica through, she didn't think that she had the right to accuse Alison of anything, especially not something that happened so long ago. "I'm sorry, Ali," Emily said as her voice broke. She leaned her head down on Alison's shoulder and cried into the crook of her neck.

Alison frowned as she rubbed a few circles on Emily's back before pulling her back and cradling her face in her hands. "Em, it's ok. I know you weren't accusing me of anything. And you have every right to wonder, but I _promise_ you, I had _nothing_ to do with that." Alison's voice and eyes held so much conviction that Emily knew she was telling the truth.

"I just want us to be okay," Emily cried as she leaned her forehead into Alison's.

"We will be, Em," Alison cooed and Emily's grip tightened on Alison's waist.

Alison took a sideways glance at the clock and noticed the time. "Do you want to come with me to pick up Jessica?"

The smile on Alison's face was infectious and Emily couldn't help the smile that graced her own face. Emily just nodded her head as she bit her bottom lip. "I just need to grab my stuff from my office real quick. I'll meet you back here?" Emily asked as she headed towards the door.

Alison nodded in agreement and watched as Emily sauntered away from her and down the hall towards her office. For the first time in a little under two years, Alison couldn't help but stare at Emily's ass as she walked away. The way it swayed side to side as she walked made feelings rise up in Alison that she hadn't had in a very long time. She bit her own lip watching Emily until she turned the corner and disappeared into another part of the school. Alison shook herself from her dirty thoughts and threw the papers on her desk into her bag and patiently waited for Emily's return.

~XXXXX~

"Momma!" Jessica squealed as she ran as fast as her little feet would take her towards Emily. The little girl had been so excited to see Emily when she walked through the doors of her classroom that she nearly stepped on another little boy who was laying on his stomach coloring with her as she tried to cut through the circle, as it was the fastest way to get to her brunette mother.

"Hi, baby!" Emily said as she lifted the tiny brunette into her arms and hugged her fiercely.

"Mist you," Jessica said as she leaned back and placed her tiny, chubby hands on Emily's face and looked into her eyes. Emily felt her heart swell with pride as Jessica smiled at her and then without warning, dove head first and brought her lips to Emily's in a sloppy, wet kiss.

Emily returned the kisses as she planted raspberries all over Jessica's face and neck, the little girl giggling as she tried to wriggle out of Emily's grasp.

"Alright, that's enough you two." The pair were broken from their fit of giggles by Alison's sudden presence next to them, holding out Jessica's backpack and winter jacket. Emily reluctantly stopped her tickle assault and placed the tiny girl onto the ground as Alison knelt down on one knee and helped her put her jacket on and backpack over her shoulders. "There we go. Are you ready to go home now, baby girl?" Alison asked as she placed a gentle kiss to the tip of Jessica's nose.

The little girl scrunched up her nose before looking up at Emily. "Momma come?" The little girl asked looking up at Emily with eyes full of hope.

Emily struggled to find words, not knowing what the right thing to say would be. Thankfully, Alison came to her rescue. She looked up at Emily for a brief second before bringing her eyes back to the little girl. "Of course she is, honey." Emily's heart swelled at Alison's words. Emily loved how confident she had spoken the words and she could tell that Alison really did want Emily there with them. "Alright, let's head home," Alison said. Before she could stand however, a hand was extended out in front of her. She smiled at the gesture of Emily helping her to her feet and took her hand gratefully. Once on her feet, she held Emily's hand for a few seconds, enjoying the softness and warmth that it brought to Alison. She mouthed Emily a silent 'thank you' and released her grip before grabbing Jessica's tiny hand in her own. Emily nodded to Alison with a smile on her face and love in her eyes as she grabbed Jessica's other hand and the three of them headed out to the parking lot as a family.

 **A/N 2: So a happy ending to the chapter. How do you guys feel about Alison's reaction to Emily's explanation? I think Alison is at a point where she just wants to be happy. She understands Emily better now and she just wants her family back. Both Alison and Emily were kind of jipped in the happiness department once Jessica was born with Alison's PPD and Emily's drinking, so Alison just wants to move forward. you guys seemed to love the family time so far, so I figured I'd give you a little more. And don't worry, it will continue in the next chapter, as well as our girls discussing the one final, big thing that Emily hasn't explained yet. Let me know what you guys thought in the comments and I will see you all back on Friday. Have a great week everyone and thanks for reading!**


	16. Clean Slate

**A/N: Happy Friday guys! I apologize for not seeing sooner that the first time I uploaded this didn't save in my doc manager correctly and there was html throughout the whole thing (thanks CptCluur). So, let's try this again, shall we? I hope you guys all had a nice week and that all my fellow Americans had a happy and safe 4** **th** **of July! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed/favorited/followed this story so far, you guys really do keep me wanting to write! It seemed like you guys really liked the family time that ended the last chapter, so you guys get some more to begin this one with. Also, there is some sexiness at the end of the chapter, so you might want to just be conscious of where you read this one. It is by far my longest chapter yet as an apology for not having as many updates recently and a thank you for sticking with me with my not-so-often updates. I also didn't do much editing to this because I just wanted to get it out to you guys, so I apologize for any spelling/grammatical errors. Hope you guys enjoy, I'll see you at the bottom!**

Alison leaned against the doorframe, admiring the sight before her, trying to not disturb what was taking place. Emily was kneeling on the cool tile, with her thighs resting against the side of the bathtub. The front of her t-shirt was soaked and her hair was clumped together with wetness as it fell down into her face. Fits of giggles escaped Jessica's lips as she splashed around in the bathtub, Emily taking puffs of bubbles and placing them all over the tiny girl's face and head. Alison rolled her eyes as she watched Jessica reach up and place some bubbles on the tip of Emily's nose, and then Emily reach down and tickle Jessica, causing her to flail around and cause even more water to splash onto the front of Emily and down to the floor.

"I figured you guys would need more towels," Alison said as she reluctantly interrupted the mother-daughter moment taking place, placing two fresh towels on the vanity.

Emily looked up at the blonde and smiled shyly. "Sorry, I'll make sure it's all cleaned up once we're done."

Alison smiled back and turned to the tiny brunette in the bathtub. "You're going to turn into a prune if we keep you in there any longer," Alison said as she knelt down next to Emily to rinse Jessica off.

Emily's breath caught in her throat at the closeness of Alison to her. She could smell the blonde's vanilla shampoo invade her senses. Their shoulders were just barely touching, but Emily couldn't help herself from leaning into the blonde. "I already washed her up. We were just playing around a little bit." Emily turned her face towards Alison's and was met with deep blue pools staring back at her. Emily wanted to get lost in them forever, and she found the world slipping away from around her the longer she stared.

"Momma fun!" the tiny brunette broke the women from their silent conversation.

Emily chuckled as Alison's face adopted a shocked and hurt look. "Am I not fun, baby?" Alison pouted to the toddler who immediately started giggling.

"Bath fun wit Momma!" Jessica squeaked out as Alison scooped her up from the tub and opened the drain for the water to escape.

Alison let out a soft giggle as she wrapped the little girl in a towel. "Of course you're going to say she's more fun!" Alison gave Emily a pointed look. "She lets you make a mess!"

Emily shook her head as she watched Alison walk out of the bathroom with her daughter. Her eyes instantly fell to the way her yoga pants hugged her ass in just the perfect way. It had been so long since her and Alison were even intimate, that it was getting harder and harder to keep her thoughts pure and clean around the blonde, especially when she was wearing such form fitting bottoms. Emily's mouth watered at the thought of what other transformations Alison body had undergone since the blonde began running. Emily shook her head, trying to clear her head as she began to mop up the water that had run onto the floor. Once she was done, she placed the towels over the edge of the tub to dry and headed in search of Alison and Jessica. She heard Alison's voice softly carry down the hall from Jessica's nursery. She quietly made her way down the hall, stopping just outside the door as she heard Jessica's tiny voice float from the room.

"Momma here when me wakie?" the tiny voiced asked and Emily felt her heart clench at how confusing this all must be for their daughter. She stood there, frozen as she waited for a response to fall from Alison's lips.

"If Momma wants to stay tonight so she can be here in the morning when you wake up, she can. I'll ask her, ok?" Alison said as she slowly ran her fingers through the girl's soft, dark curls. Emily felt a smile form on her lips at how willing Alison is to let her back in now that they had cleared the air between them.

"Momma stay forever." The tiny brunette's voice was becoming softer and her eyelids were beginning to droop as Alison gently rocked her in the glider.

Alison felt a lump form in her throat at her daughter's words. "I want that more than anything," she whispered as she leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on the crown of her head before standing up and walking to the crib. Before she could set her down, however, Emily entered the room and quickly hurried over, placing a kiss to the tiny brunette's temple. Alison could see that Emily's eyes were wet with tears and wondered exactly how much Emily had heard. After Alison placed Jessica down into her crib, she took a step back and stood next to Emily, both women looking down lovingly at the beautiful little girl snoring softly in her crib. Alison reached out and grabbed Emily's hand, intertwining their fingers and pulling Emily in flush against her body. Emily let out a contented sigh before leading them both downstairs to the living room.

"Do you want to stay for a little bit?" Alison asked, her eyes full of hope of getting to spend more time with Emily.

"I would love that," Emily said as a shy smile graced her face. Emily guided Alison over to the couch and sat against the armrest, with her inside knee bent against the back cushion. She held her hand out for Alison to take and the blonde smiled as she took Emily's hand and allowed herself to be guided to sit between Emily's legs, so that her back was pressed against Emily's front. Emily instinctively wrapped her arms around Alison's waist and she could feel the definition now palpable on Alison's stomach. Emily splayed her fingers and ran her palms up under Alison's loose t-shirt, smiling to herself as she felt the muscles contract under her touch. Emily brought her other leg up onto the couch, hooking it over Alison's and Alison snuggled down, placing her hands over Emily's arms, pulling herself deeper into Emily. The brunette nuzzled her face into Alison's neck, inhaling her scent before placing her chin onto the blonde's shoulder. Alison's head fell back to rest on Emily's opposite shoulder.

They sat like that in silence, both just enjoying the feeling of holding the other. For a few minutes, in that living room, just the two of them, the world was at peace. Emily thought of how much she missed having Alison in her arms and how stupid she had been. She would be forever grateful that Alison was willing to take her back and forgive her, but she still struggled to forgive herself. The pain of knowing how badly she had hurt Alison was something that she was never sure would truly ever go away. She wished with all of her heart that she could just go back and change everything. She should've encouraged Alison sooner to go seek help from Dr. Sullivan. She should have told her how she was feeling instead of bottling it all up. She should have turned to Alison when she was struggling, not alcohol. She frowned as she thought that her actions could have saved them from months of separation and heartache.

Emily gently turned her head and placed a soft, sweet kiss behind Alison's ear and she reveled in the feeling of Alison leaning into the kiss. "I'm so sorry, Ali," Emily whispered softly, trying desperately to keep her voice from breaking as she felt overwhelmed by the emotion making its way to the surface.

"Em.." Alison said softly as she sat up and turned in Emily's arms. Emily unraveled herself from around Alison at the blonde's movement and immediately felt the loss of contact like a ton of bricks hitting her square in the chest. "You don't need to keep apologizing."

Emily looked down into her lap, her fingers playing mindlessly with each other. "Y-you don't understand how bad I feel, every day." A lone tear escaped Emily's eyes and rolled down her cheek, before running out of real estate and falling onto the soft fabric of the couch. Alison gently placed her thumb and forefinger on Emily's chin, guiding her face up so she could meet her eyes. More tears began to spill from Emily's eyes as all her emotion spilled forth seeing the love and forgiveness in Alison's eyes. Even though Dr. Leonard, and even Dr. Pawkowski, reiterated her need to forgive herself, she just couldn't let herself move past all the time that she had lost with Alison, and especially Jessica. "I hate myself, for what I did."

Alison's eyes softened and she frowned at the look of pain swirling in Emily's eyes. "I forgive you, Em. I told you that already." Alison reached out and took both of Emily's hands in her. She took a moment to really admire the look of her alabaster skin against Emily's dark, olive complexion. She had always admired the contrast in their skin and was silently thankful that she could continue to admire it once more.

Emily sniffled as she took a deep breath, trying to control the flow of tears that didn't seem to want to stop. There was still more that Emily had wanted to tell Alison during their talk the night before, but Alison had kissed her and all coherent thought left her brain after that. "I should have called." Emily ran her fingers though her hair in frustration. "Why didn't I call?"

Alison frowned and scooted closer to Emily on the couch. Her voice was soft as she ducked her head to meet Emily's tear filled eyes. "Em, where is this coming from, sweetie?"

Emily closed her eyes as two more tears ran down her cheeks. "I just wanted to be better for you before I talked to you." Emily wiped furiously at her cheeks and Alison frowned at the loss of contact between their hands. "I just wanted to be better for you and Jessica. I was such a mess, but that didn't mean I didn't love you!" Emily cried as she covered her face with her hands and sobbed uncontrollably into her palms.

Alison felt her own eyes well up with tears as she pulled Emily into her body, wrapping her arms around her shoulders and resting Emily's head against her chest. She hated how much Emily was still hurting over everything, but her heart broke when she realized that Emily hated herself for everything that happened. "Shhhh, Em…" Alison cooed as she ran her fingers through Emily's raven locks. "Please, don't hate yourself, Em." Alison felt Emily take in a sharp breath of air, before another round of sobs broke through her body.

Emily felt like the weight of the world came crashing down on her. She felt every emotion that she had been holding in for almost 20 years come rushing to the surface. She looked up and met watery blue eyes when she felt strong, soft hands fall on either side of her face. "I was so ashamed, of how I acted, of what I said. You didn't deserve that, Ali. You didn't deserve any of it. You should have hated me, but I thought about you every day." Emily wiped at her jawline, smearing the tears that had gathered in hopes they would dry the skin beneath. "I was too ashamed to face you, to hear the disappointment in your voice."

Alison leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss to Emily's forehead and she frowned at how warm the skin beneath her lips was, proving just how worked up Emily was over not contacted them over the past eight months. "I just wanted to know that you still loved me."

"I never stopped," Emily said, her voice hoarse with tears.

Alison nodded her head vigorously as she continued to hold Emily's cheeks in her palms, sweeping the pads of her thumbs across Emily's lips and chin. "I know that, now." She leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on Emily's lips. "Please, no more tears. No more hating yourself." She rotated her hands slightly, forcing Emily's gaze to meet hers. "Because I don't hate you. I never could." Emily's eyes closed as she felt Alison's warm breath wash over her face. "From here on out, the past doesn't matter. Everything from before is behind us. Now we move forward, as a family."

Emily felt the sobs consume her body once again. She knew for a fact that after what she had put Alison through, she didn't deserve the blonde or her daughter, but here Alison was, not only opening her heart back up to her, but even forgiving her for all the pain that she caused her. She felt Alison lean back and pull Emily on top of her so they were laying down on the couch. Emily nuzzled into Alison's neck and Alison ran her fingers through Emily's hair. They laid there for quite some time, until Emily's body finally relaxed and she ran out of tears to cry. As they were laying in silence, Emily made a solemn promise to herself that she was going to never hurt Alison or Jessica ever again. She was going to show the blonde every day how much she loved her and how much she appreciated this second chance.

"Jessica wants you to stay," Alison said softly. She honestly wasn't sure if Emily was even awake or if she had exhausted herself crying, but she wanted Emily to know what their daughter wanted.

Emily snuggled into Alison more deeply and smiled against the soft cotton fabric of Alison's t-shirt before she tilted her head and looked into Alison's eyes. "I know," she smiled against Alison's chest. She laughed lightly when Alison scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. "I heard Jessica after her bath. Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop…" Emily looked away shyly, embarrassed that she had been caught listening in on a private conversation.

"It's ok, Em. I'm not mad." Alison said as she softly ran her fingers through Emily's silky hair. "Will you stay?"

Emily looked up at Alison and saw the hopeful, pleading look in Alison's eyes, reminding her of a child asking Santa Claus for a toy that they've been wanting for months. A small smile formed on her lips as she answered. "I would love to stay." Emily leaned up and captured Alison's lips in a sweet kiss. It only lasted a few seconds, but to Emily, it meant the world. It meant that she would be able to have a morning with the two most important girls in her life. She had always adored her mornings with Jessica when she was younger and she missed them more than she ever thought she would.

Another silence fell over the couple as she snuggled together on the couch. Alison's left hand ran lovingly through Emily's hair and gently massaged her scalp while her right hand wrapped around Emily and settled itself just under the fabric of Emily's shirt. Her thumb glided back and forth across the smooth, olive skin. One of Emily's arms was wrapped securely around Alison while the other explored the hemline of the blonde's shirt, gently ghosting her fingertips up and down Alison's side. Slowly, subtly, both woman's movements began to slow, as the touch of the other began to lull them into a peaceful sleep.

~XXXXX~

Alison woke at some point during the night and was disoriented at first about where she was. Her body felt stiff from being in the same position for too long, but as she tried to move, she was stopped by something warm and heavy laying off to one side of her and squeezing her like a vice. She opened her eyes and brought her gaze from the ceiling. The bright moon reflecting on the small snowfall on the ground lit up the room enough for Alison to recognize that she was in her living room laying on the couch. Her gaze glanced down at her body and a small smile crept onto her face as she immediately recognized the flowing, brunette locks and soft snoring snuggled up against her. She lifted her head slightly and placed a firm kiss to the top of Emily's head. She also began combing her fingers through Emily's hair and running her hand along her back. As Emily began to stir, Alison whispered her name softly into the quiet night surrounding them.

"Ali?" Emily said as she slowly came out of her dream state.

"I'm sorry, Em, but I need to go sleep in a real bed or else I won't be able to move tomorrow."

Emily scrunched her eyebrows in confusion and then a pout settled on her lips. "Ok," she mumbled as she rolled up into the back of the couch, allowing Alison the space she needed to climb out from under her to stretch her sore limbs. Emily immediately grabbed the throw pillow that Alison was using and snuggled it into her chest, inhaling as deeply as possible, taking in Alison's scent. "I'll miss you," she whispered as she began to settle and drift back into sleep.

Alison glanced down at her brunette beauty and smiled sadly, confliction suddenly taking over her body. She and Emily had discussed taking things slowly after their talk the previous night. They both agreed that they needed time to get back to the place where they once were. And Alison was prepared to do that, but after seeing how much pain the brunette was in earlier, Alison just wanted to do everything in her power to take it away. Over the past couple of days, Alison had learned so much about Emily after she had finally opened up to her. She discovered just how hard it was for Emily to rely on other people when she needed support. Her entire life, she was only ever concerned about making sure that everyone else was happy and healthy, and she never stopped to ask for what _she_ needed to be happy and healthy. Alison just wanted them to be back to the happy couple that they once were. She was sick of waiting any longer. They were still so madly in love with each other, that anymore time they wasted on 'taking it slow' would just be torture for them both and Alison knew it. And deep down, she knew Emily did, too.

Alison crouched down and ran her fingers along Emily's hairline, brushing a few stray strands out of her face. "Emily," she whispered quietly as she placed a soft kiss to pink lips. Emily stirred and opened one eye, confusion falling over her face as she saw that Alison still hadn't gone up to bed. "Come with me, Em? Please?"

Emily slowly opened both eyes when she heard Alison's words and she looked deep into her crystal blue eyes, noting that something had changed within them. They seemed darker than they did earlier, but it could have just been the darkness of the room. Alison's hand was still on Emily's head as Emily began to slowly sit up. Alison's hand moved down to the side of Emily's neck and stayed there as brown eyes continued to stare into blue. Emily could feel her breathing increase as she saw the intensity in Alison's eyes. She felt the blonde's petite hand grip tighter onto the side of her neck, holding Emily in place. Her mouth suddenly went dry and she swallowed hard before wetting her lips with her tongue. The air seemed to grow thick between them as they continued to stare into each other's eyes, brown eyes scanning blue for any sign that Alison didn't want what she was about to do. Emily couldn't find any hesitation in Alison's eyes, so she took a chance and leaned forward, capturing Alison's lips in a heated kiss.

Alison's grip tightened on the side of Emily's neck as she slowly pushed Emily back and climbed into her lap, straddling the brunette without breaking their kiss. Alison brought the other hand up and tangled it into Emily's hair, giving it a gentle pull. At the feeling, Emily released a moan into Alison's mouth and the blonde took advantage, sweeping her tongue into Emily's mouth and beginning its battle for dominance. Emily's hands glided up and down each side of Alison's body, reveling in the feeling of the silky smooth skin underneath her fingers. Slowly, Emily's hands began making their way to the front of Alison. The blonde threw her head back and released a moan when she felt Emily's thumbs work their way underneath her bra and glide along the bottom of her breasts. Alison's skin felt like it was on fire, with each trace of Emily's finger, a jolt of electricity was left in its place. Alison needed more from the brunette. She needed to feel Emily, needed to feel the electricity dancing between their flesh.

"Em…" Alison moaned as she rocked her hips into Emily, trying to alleviate the pressure quickly beginning to build between her legs.

"Hmmm?" Emily mumbled as she began peppering kisses along Alison's neck.

Alison's breathing was becoming heavier and she had to close her eyes to try and focus. It was hard though, feeling Emily's tongue and lips trailing up and down her neck. She gently pushed Emily away and took a deep breath. Brown eyes stared back at her in curiosity. _And maybe fear?_ Alison asked herself. Before she could let Emily's thoughts get too carried away, she quickly placed a gentle, chaste kiss to Emily's lips, and didn't pull back when the kiss ended, leaving their lips mere millimeters apart. "As good as this feels, I don't want this here."

Emily closed her eyes as Alison's breath and words washed over her. She couldn't believe that Alison had wanted her to join her in her bed. She assumed when Alison had gotten up off the couch that she had wanted Emily to stay there. They were taking things slow, after all. But this was anything but slow. When she opened her eyes back up, she scanned those blue orbs once again. "But you _want_ this, right?" Emily asked, needing to be sure that this was truly what Alison wanted. She would have no issue if the blonde had told her that she had changed her mind, in fact, she was expecting it now that the heat of the moment had cooled some. Instead, Alison gave a slight nod and climbed off of Emily's lap, extending a hand out for Emily to take.

The brunette smiled and allowed Alison to pull her from the couch. With their hands still connected, Alison led the way up the stairs and down the hall. She stopped when she felt a small, hesitant tug on her hand and looked up to find bright, brown eyes searching her, like she was trying to find the answer to an unasked question. "Ali," the brunette started in a low, soft voice. "It's ok if you don't want this. I can go back dow-", but the brunette was cut off by soft, pink lips moving hastily against her own. Alison opened the door to the bedroom and pulled Emily inside before shutting it again with her foot. Feeling brave by the intensity of Alison's lips, Emily spun them around, pinning Alison up against the door, their hands interlocking above the blonde's head.

Alison was immediately brought back to the last time that Emily had her pinned against a door. She thought back to that day in the brunette's office, the memories it brought back causing the ache to increase tenfold between her legs. "God, I need you, Em," Alison panted as she pulled away for air. She felt Emily release her hands and slide down to her backside. She gave it a gentle squeeze, and Alison knew exactly what the brunette wanted. She immediately jumped up and wrapped her legs around Emily's waist. Emily made her way over to the bed and gently placed Alison down. She leaned forward, their lips still connected and removed Alison's shirt from her body. Once the item was discarded across the room, Emily took a step back, admiring the blonde before her nearly topless. Emily could see the definition beginning to form across Alison's stomach from her months of running and her mouth watered at the sight, wanting to run her tongue through every groove and soak up as much of the blonde as she could. A smirk made its way across her face as she reached down and removed her own t-shirt before reaching behind her and unclipping her bra, allowing it to fall freely from her arms and landing at her feet.

Alison quickly climbed to her knees on the bed and reached for Emily, pulling the brunette into her for another heated kiss. She needed to feel Emily's skin against hers. It had been so long and she felt like she was going to explode from the feeling alone. Alison felt Emily smile into the kiss before she felt strong, soft hands reach around and unclasp her bra, freeing her breasts. She quickly threw it across the room and let out a moan as she felt Emily lower her head and her lips envelop a stiffened nipple and run her tongue across it. Alison brought her hands up and tangled them into Emily's hair, holding the brunette as close as possible as she continued to suck and gently bite her nipple, while massaging and pinching the other. Eventually, Emily turned her attention to the other breast and, again, Alison thought she was going to explode without Emily ever touching her, feeling the tug quickly building in her core. Her mind was racing with all the feelings that Emily was creating. Most of all, she could feel the love emanating out from Emily's touch. It was a feeling that she had missed so much over the past months, but now that she was feeling it again, she never wanted it to end. She wanted this moment and this feeling to last forever. She was pulled from her reverie when she felt Emily's lips back on her own. Her hands made their way from Emily's raven locks and down to her pants. She needed to feel _all_ of Emily and needed Emily to feel _all_ of her. She quickly slid Emily's track pants down her long, tanned legs and watched as the brunette fumbled to step out of them. Chocolate eyes watched as blue ones darkened even farther as they raked up and down her now naked form.

Emily lunged at Alison, her fingers immediately working the button of Alison's jeans that she had changed into once they had gotten home. Once they were loosened, Alison helped maneuver out of them, leaving them both completely naked, their chests heaving in anticipation. Emily _needed_ this moment, more than she felt like she had needed anything before in her life, but now that it was here, she _needed_ know that Alison had truly wanted this. She looked into those darkened, blue pools that held her life, asking a silent question that she was too afraid to ask out loud. Alison gazed into those brown eyes that she fell in love with and for a second, all time seemed to stop. The room fell away and it was just her and Emily, completely bare to each other, both physically _and_ emotionally. Alison could read the questioning in Emily's eyes, and slowly, she reached out for the brunette and brought their bodies together on the edge of the bed. She brought their lips together in a slow, sensual kiss, answering Emily's question without any words being spoken. Emily parted her mouth when she felt Alison's silky tongue glide across her bottom lip and gently moved Alison back onto the bed as the kiss deepened.

Emily settled on top of the blonde, in between her legs. Emily brought her hips down into Alison's, feeling arousal that had gathered between Alison's legs. Alison let out a moan into Emily's mouth, the kiss suddenly becoming more wild and fervent. Alison brought her hips to match Emily's, feeling a shock of pleasure shot through her as she felt pressure on her clit. She needed _more._ Again, as if reading her mind, Emily broke their kiss and made her way down to Alison's chest, once again taking a hardened nipple into her mouth and playing with it with her tongue. Alison through her head deeper into the pillow while bringing her chest off the bed, offering as much soft tissue as they brunette could take into her mouth. Moans escaped Alison's mouth with every flick of Emily's tongue. She could feel her stomach tightening already, but she _needed_ to make this moment last. She knew in her heart that Emily would never leave her again, but she _needed_ to savor this, in case this was their last time together. "Em," Alison managed to get out between breathy moans, "I need you inside of me."

Emily smiled against Alison's alabaster skin as she made her way down the blonde's stomach and to wear she knew the blonde truly wanted her. Once Emily was settled between Alison's legs, the sight before her took her breath away. After everything that she had put Alison through, she never imagined that she would ever have the blonde like this ever again. She never imagined that Alison would have forgiven her enough to let her back into the most intimate places of her body. But for the first time in _months_ , she felt like everything was truly going to be okay. That her any Alison were going to be okay. Hell, more than okay. _You need to keep your emotions in_ check, Emily told herself as she felt tears begin to sting her eyes. She didn't want to ruin this moment with more of her tears, but for the first time in as long as she could remember, they were happy tears. Still, she didn't need Alison to worry, she just wanted to please Alison like she should have been doing the past eighteen months. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she stuck her tongue out and took a long lick through Alison's folds. The liquid on her taste buds felt like a cold drink in the middle of the desert, quenching a thirst that had seemed impossible to tame up until that moment. She continued to lick and drink her fill, feeling Alison's hips match her every movement. She tried to ignore her own throbbing core, but it was becoming increasingly difficult once Emily looked up and saw Alison's hand pinching and pulling at her own nipple. Emily let out a whimper at the sight and easily inserted two fingers into Alison, watching in delight as the blonde curled up from the bed and let out a guttural moan.

Alison couldn't believe the pleasure that Emily was providing her as she slumped back onto the bed and buried her head further into the pillow, feeling Emily's fingers work her from the inside like no one ever had before. She didn't realize how much she had missed _this_ part of Emily, but she needed it to last as long as possible. She could feel the pressure mounting faster than it ever had in her life, and she felt somewhat embarrassed that she most likely wouldn't be able to last much longer. She needed something to distract her, and she needed Emily with her. "Em, I need you up here," Alison said as she looked down at the brunette between her legs. She frowned slightly when Emily kept her head buried and shook it slightly. Alison let out another moan as Emily's fingers curled within her and she felt the brunette's tongue roll over her aching clit, but she _needed_ to look into Emily's eyes as they came undone, _together_. "Please, Em," Alison begged as she reached down and tangled her hand into Emily's hair, gently pulling her head away from her center. She heard Emily let out a shaky breath, but felt the brunette move up her body, with her fingers still inside of her, gently massaging her from the inside.

Slowly, Emily made her way back up Alison's body, slowly kissing her way back up until she reached Alison's lips. She swallowed a moan as the blonde tasted herself on Emily's lips, opening her eyes once she felt Alison pull away. She felt a gentle palm placed onto her cheek, and the pad of a soft thumb wiping away something wet on her face. Emily slowly opened her eyes, not realizing that a tear had escaped. She saw Alison's eyes, full of concern and uncertainty. Emily didn't want to ruin this moment, so she tried to quickly ease Alison's fears. "They're happy tears, I promise." Blue eyes scanned brown for a moment, darting back and forth, but not finding any doubt in the brunette's words.

Alison smiled. "I love you, Em."

"I love you, too, Ali," Emily said before connecting their lips once again and immediately deepening it. Emily felt Alison's hand worked its way between their bodies, down to between Emily's legs and running two fingers through molten heat. She groaned at the arousal coating her fingers as Emily let a moan escape her own mouth. She felt Emily begin to gently pump in and out of her, and she began to work Emily's swollen clit. As Emily began to pick up her pace, Alison slid her hand down further, easily entering Emily. At the feeling, Emily's head dropped to Alison's shoulder and she turned her head to begin working her tongue around Alison's earlobe. She sucked the bottom of her earlobe into her mouth as she felt Alison's thumb begin to rub circles around her clit while pumping in and out of her. They both picked up the pace as moans of pleasure and the sounds of sex began to fill the air around them.

"I need you with me," Alison was able to choke out as she felt like she was about to peak.

"I'm with you," Emily whispered as she brought her forehead to Alison's. Both their bodies trembled with their impending pleasure, but neither one initiated another kiss or broke eye contact. Emily watched on in awe as Alison's mouth dropped open and her body trembled uncontrollably as her pleasure finally peaked. It was enough for her own orgasm to crash through her like a freight train. They stared into each other's eyes as they watched the other come undone, curse words and nicknames being thrown into the night as they rode each other's fingers, bucking their hips to ride out every last drop of pleasure that they could. Once she had rode out every last ounce, Emily collapsed on top of Alison, both their chests heaving trying to catch their breaths.

A few minutes later, they pulled out of each other, both missing the feeling immediately, as Emily slide off on the blonde and next to her, wrapping her arms around Alison and pulling her close to her body. They continued to stay silent for a few minutes, both enjoying feeling the other's skin on their own and the hands caressing it. Alison hummed in pleasure as she felt Emily's hands work their way to her hair and start massaging her scalp gently. "Thank you, Ali," Emily whispered as she placed a gentle kiss to the top of Alison's head.

"For what?" Alison asked, not moving because the feeling of Emily's fingers was too good to have stop.

Emily sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. "For allowing me back into your lives. Into yours' and Jessica's lives. For forgiving me… before I've even forgiven myself."

Alison leaned up on her elbow, so she was slightly hovering over her lover. She placed her palm on Emily's outside cheek, forcing Emily's face to tilt towards her. She looked deep into her eyes as she spoke words full of love and conviction. "You _need_ to forgive yourself, Em. That guilt is going to eat you up inside. Jessica and I need you strong, Em. We've just been surviving these past eight months, but with you here now, we're the happiest we've been." Tears began to well up in Alison's eyes. "We need you here, Em. We can't live without you."

Emily quickly wiped away the tear that had fallen and brought their lips together in a kiss full of love, commitment and promise. When they pulled apart for air, Emily finally spoke. "I _promise_ you, Ali. I'm never leaving the two of you again. I can't go through the pain of losing the two best things that have ever happened to me again. I _promise_ you, I'm going to make it up to you."

"You don't need to make it up to us, we are starting with a clean slate, remember? We just need you here, Em."

Emily smiled and nodded before reaching up to meet Alison's lips once again. This kiss was short, but sweet and when Alison pulled away, she let out a yawn and turned away from Emily, becoming the little spoon as Emily turned with her, bringing the blanket with them and wrapping her arm around her waist. They both sighed in contentment as they snuggled in closer to one another, not allowing a single bit of each other to not be touching. "Goodnight, my sweet Ali," Emily said softly into Alison's ear before placing a gentle kiss to the skin below.

"Goodnight, my beautiful girlfriend," Alison replied as she brought Emily's hand up to her own and kissed the palm. Seconds later, Alison's breathing became soft and long as she drifted off to sleep.

Emily laid there, stunned at Alison's admission with a goofy grin plastered to her face. Emily sighed as Alison's words raced through her head. In everything that had happened in the week she'd been back, and more specifically, the past couple of days, they had never discussed what they _were_ to each other. The thought of Alison calling her _girlfriend_ had made her heart swell. _I'm going to make it all up to you, Ali. Not because you need it from me, but because_ I _need it from me, to start forgiving myself. I promise, I'm going to be better for you_ , Emily thought to herself as she drifted off to sleep, back in the familiar bed, with the love of her life wrapped securely in her arms.

 **A/N 2: They really are a cute little family, aren't they? I'm not saying that all is smooth sailing for these two, but they are definitely on the up in their relationship. We've seen over the past couple of chapters that Alison really just wants to wipe the slate clean and start over and we've seen Emily still continue to struggle with her guilt. Do you think that Emily will be able to finally forgive herself? I love hearing your thoughts. So on another note, this was the last chapter that I've had written, mainly because for the past month and a half or so, I've been posting a lot more than I've been writing, and I no longer have chapters further than this one. That being said, my summer work schedule just picked up two more afternoons a week, so I'll have about three hours total a week to write this summer, which means that my updates will probably be even more sporadic. I'm planning on writing whenever I can, so please, bear with me again. Anyway, I hope this tides you over for a little while, I will be back ASAP with another chapter! Sound off in the comments.**


	17. The Hot Seat

**A/N: Hey guys! Happy Friday! Sorry it's taken me so long to get this out, but I've been struggling with some stuff the past couple weeks and my head just honestly wasn't in the right space to write. But I had a friend who helped me out and I was able to pump this chapter out yesterday and edit it this morning. I hope you guys enjoy! I'm glad you guys liked the last chapter so much and thank you for all the feedback! This chapter was in my head after I wrote the last one, but I'm glad one reviewer kind of hinted at it! Happy reading everyone and I'll see you at the bottom :)**

Spencer groaned as she rolled over and turned off the alarm clock before it could blare out through the darkened room. Another day of her being up before her alarm clock. She looked at it and wondered why she even had the thing. _Because with my luck I'd end up sleeping until 11 without it,_ she chuckled to herself. All she ever wanted to do was sleep longer, but it seemed like her body was programmed to be up before the sun every morning, even on weekends and holidays. Her neck and shoulders cracked as she sat up in bed and stretched her long arms up and over her head. She slid her slippers on her feet and made her way into her master bathroom. She brushed her teeth and ran a brush through her hair before making her way back into the bedroom and throwing on a pair of yoga pants and soft hooded sweatshirt. She made her way into the kitchen, where she gathered up the files on the latest case she was working on and placed them into her bag. She looked at the time on her microwave. _5:15, why does this girl torture herself?_ Sighing, she put on her pea coat and tightened the belt around her waist. With her bag slung over her shoulder, she stole a look over to the coffee machine and shrugged. She'd just make herself a cup over at Alison's. That seemed to be her new normal now anyway.

She opened her side door and was immediately hit with a blast of cold air, the chill of the winter night still very much present at this early hour. She couldn't wait until the cold weather was finally out of Rosewood. She didn't know how Alison actually managed to run in weather like this, but the blonde had truly impressed her with her dedication to her own mental and physical health. Since the day of Jessica's first birthday party, Spencer had been right next to Alison, helping her in any way that she could. She had seen Alison completely fall apart after her argument with Emily in the front yard. She had gone to get her ice from the freezer to put on her cheek where Emily had caught her with the back of her hand. But she had also seen the blonde pick herself up from the floor within minutes, dust herself off and keep moving forward with her life.

" _Ali?" Spencer said gently as she handed Alison the towel that she filled with ice from the freezer. She could see a red mark beginning to form on Alison's pale cheek from where Emily had hit her._

" _She didn't mean it, you know," Alison said, her tone low and her eyes focused on the ground in front of her. Tears continued to spill down her cheeks as the memory of the day continued to play out over and over in her head. She couldn't believe that everything had come spilling out like that. She had tried to keep her anger in check, but it had finally bubbled over, along with Emily's. They had spent so many months skirting around talking about their problems and feelings that they completely blew up at each other at the worst possible time._

 _Spencer threw her hands up in frustration. She knew that Emily had been struggling, but the brunette was awfully clever at hiding it. Spencer wished that Emily would have opened up to her more. And even though her and Alison hadn't had the greatest relationship, she still felt bad that neither one of them had trusted her to let her in at how bad things had gotten. She didn't like to see either one of them in pain, but it seemed like they were both dealing with a world of hurt. But there was a part of Spencer that couldn't believe Emily would have ever laid a hand on Alison. She didn't think Emily had it in her, but then again, she didn't ever think Emily would have turned into the alcoholic that she was. "Explain to me what she meant then, Alison. Cause it looked a lot like she_ hit _you."_

 _Alison flinched as if Spencer had thrown hot wax in her direction. Spencer immediately felt bad and realized that her anger was directed at Emily, not Alison. Never before had Alison looked so broken and hurting. She had truly come a long way since being the queen Bitch of Rosewood High, and Spencer had a feeling that Emily had a lot to do with that change, both directly_ and _indirectly. She hoped that with Emily gone, the hard work that Alison put in wouldn't crumble. "She's hurting, Spence. More than ever. She went to shake my hand off her shoulder, she didn't mean to slap me." Alison could see the shock in Emily's eyes when her hand connected with her cheek. There was a flash of disbelief and regret before her eyes clouded back over from the alcohol. Alison knew that wasn't_ her _Emily._

" _Hey guys." Alison was glad for the momentary distraction as Aria's voice floated through the kitchen. Alison frowned as she watched the short brunette and Hanna walk in from the back yard. "We apologized to everyone, but told them we had to cut the party short. We told people they could take a piece of cake for the road, and they all seemed fine with that." For a second, she forgot all about the party. She felt waves of embarrassment wash over her at the thought of what their friends and family must think of them._ What would everyone think of us now? _And then it finally clicked about what Aria said about the cake, remembering they hadn't even cut the cake yet._ Jessica's first birthday and there's no pictures of her covered in chocolate cake and frosting, _Alison suddenly thought to herself. Fresh tears began to sting her eyes as she realized that what should have been such a special day for their daughter was now completely ruined. It was a day that they would never get back. She looked up to the ceiling, willing the tears to stop flowing. Hanna and Aria came into the living room and sat down on the couch. Silently, Spencer urged Alison up off the floor and towards the couch. Alison sat between Aria and Hanna, while Spencer sat in a chair across from them._

 _Hanna put her arm around Alison's waist. "You wanna talk about it, Ali?" She asked, her tone soft._

 _Alison looked up and could see the look of concern written over all three of their faces. She took a breath and silently wondered what she had done to deserve such amazing people in her life. She was struggling before she had reunited with Emily and definitely knew that she wouldn't have deserved their sympathy before. Hell, they had all had a problem with her and Emily's relationship in the beginning. But over the past few months, the five of them had grown closer. Alison got the impression that they all knew something was going on with Emily, but no one appeared to ever want to broach the subject. "I thought today she'd be different… for Jessica," the blonde spoke while looking down at her hands folded in her lap. "I- I just thought…" The words got caught in her throat as she tried to hold back a sob._

" _How long has this been going on?" Aria asked as she reached over and took Alison's hand in her own._

 _Alison looked at Aria's hand, and then lifted her head to meet the tiny brunette's hazel eyes. She took a deep breath, followed by two hard swallows before she felt like she had found her voice once again. "She hasn't been the same since Pam died." Alison flinched at the words, remembering back to her argument with Emily that morning and how Emily had blamed her for having to make the decision to take Pam off of life support. She felt the sting from those words as much as she had earlier in the day. She had to take another hard swallow before continuing. "The drinking though… that started around November." Alison saw three sets of eyebrows raise in shock._

" _This has been going on for six months?" Aria asked, her voice continuing to be soft, despite the shock of them beginning to learn the true extent of Emily's problems._

 _Alison nodded her head twice, slowly. She dared a glance at Spencer, knowing she would likely be the one to have the most to say about the situation. To her surprise, though, the taller brunette was awfully quiet, although she looked like she wanted to beat Emily to a pulp if she saw her in a darkened alley. Alison frowned at the scowl on her face, not wanting Emily to lose her friends over something like this. Yes, it was bad, but Emily was still hurting. She didn't want to have to add losing her friends onto the list of things she was hurting over. "It's gotten worse, but she's always put Jessica first. I thought she could put it all aside for her sake… just for one day." Alison quickly swept her free hand over her cheeks, wiping away fresh tears that fell from her eyes._

" _What happened earlier between you two?" Spencer finally spoke, asking the question that had been brushed off by the blonde earlier in the kitchen. She looked and noticed Hanna and Aria give her a questioning look, before focusing her eyes back on Alison. "You were fighting about more than her drinking, weren't you?"_

 _Alison looked down and nodded her head slowly. She hadn't talked to anyone but Dr. Sullivan about her and Emily's problems and didn't want Emily's friends to judge her for saying what she did earlier. She needed support right now, not to be shunned by the people who cared about her most. They were literally all she had left. "It started off about her drinking. But it escalated and she was finally honest with me about_ why _she started drinking."_

" _And?" This time is was Hanna who chimed in, raising an eyebrow for the blonde to divulge more information. Spencer rolled her eyes, knowing that Hanna was only half concerned, and also just half nosy._

 _Alison sniffled, trying her best to ebb her flow of tears, but continuing to fail miserably. "She blames me. Says that she couldn't take care of both me and Jessica and be there for Pam. Something had to give, and it was Pam." The words got caught in her throat as harsh sobs began to take over her body. Hanna pulled her into her body, while Aria rubbed soothing circles on her back. "I should have been better for her," Alison cried, the sound muffled on the other blonde's shoulder._

" _No, you don't get to do that!" Spencer said as she got up and rounded the coffee table, kneeling in front of Alison's spot on the couch. Her tone was firm, causing Alison to look up from Hanna's shoulder and suppress a hiccup from crying. "This is_ not _your fault! What happened to Pam was a tragic accident! I know Emily is hurting, but she has no right to blame you for that!"_

" _But I was a lot to handle, Spence!" Alison's blue eyes were dulled and bloodshot from crying._

 _Spencer shook her head and took Alison's hands in her own. "But you saw you needed help, and you_ got _it. You are so much stronger now, for yourself and for that little girl." Spencer gave Alison a smile, which she was happy that Alison even half-heartedly returned. "Now Emily needs to get the help that_ she _needs. And_ you _need to make sure that that little girl gets what she needs. She needs to know how much she is loved and wanted and she needs to know that she can always count on you. It's had to have been hard for her, and confusing, but it's_ your _job to protect her."_

 _Alison gave Spencer a watery smile and squeezed Spencer's hands. "Thanks, Spence," Alison said she leaned back against the couch and ran her fingers through her hair. "Where'd she go, anyway?"_

 _Aria grimaced as she remembered seeing the look of hatred on Jason's face as he came back into the back yard. "Jason said she took off back into town."_

 _Alison groaned and leaned forward so her elbows rested on her knees. She knew what her brother could be like and how protective he was over his baby sister and niece. She ran her fingers through her hair again. "How bad was it?" She debated for a few seconds even asking the question, not sure if she truly wanted to know the answer._

" _Let's just say it's going to take_ a lot _for Emily to get back on his good graces, if she ever gets there."_

 _Alison blew out a hard breath and settled back into the couch. She looked at her three friends who used to all hate her, but had somehow managed to look past everything that had happened between them and be there for her in one of her lowest times. No matter what happened between her and Emily, she would be forever grateful that Emily had brought these people into her life. She could only hope and pray that Emily would be able to get the help that she needed, and one day they could all be a family again. But until then, she knew that Spencer was right. She needed to take care of herself and Jessica, so that they could be strong for Emily while she focused on herself, which the blonde hoped would be sooner, rather than later. "Thanks, guys," Alison said before enveloping the other three in a group hug._

Spencer smiled to herself as she made her way across the back yard to Alison's kitchen door. If you had asked her before a year ago if she and Alison DiLaurentis would ever be civil towards each other, let alone friends, Spencer would have told you that you were crazy. But now, Alison was one of her best friends. They had grown closer than Spencer every thought possible over the past few months, but she was extremely grateful for the friendship.

Even though she had started out as Emily's friend, she was still weary of the brunette being back in Rosewood. She had to admit that Emily did look healthier, but having to pick Emily up from the bar after only a few days of her being back scared Spencer. She feared for Alison's sake that Emily would fall off the wagon. She also feared for Jessica's sake. She knew how much the little girl missed her brunette mother and didn't want to see that relationship taken away from Jessica a second time if Emily screwed up. She was encouraged by the fact that Emily hadn't _actually_ drank any alcohol at the bar, but she hoped that the brunette would be able to remain strong should things with her and Alison not work out. After all, Jessica was still Emily's adopted child. Jessica deserved to have both parents in her life, she just hoped that Emily would continue to live her life deserving of Jessica.

Spencer finally made it to Alison's kitchen door and was about to turn the doorknob, when she was stopped by the sounds of giggling coming from the other side. She paused, thinking that maybe the wind was playing tricks on her, but before she could even process the thought, she heard it again. Curious, she leaned over and peeked through the side window. What she saw brought a smirk to her face. _Well, well, well, this morning just got_ a lot _more interesting_ , she thought to herself as she brought her fist up to the window of the door and knocked two times.

~XXXXX~

Alison stopped laughing as soon as she heard the knocking. She gently pushed Emily away from her, who seemed to have her lips permanently attached to the blonde's neck that morning. "Shit," she mumbled to herself as she worked her way out of Emily's embrace and headed towards the door. "S-Spence! Hi, Hi! C-Come in!" The blonde stuttered as she opened the door, seeing Spencer standing on the other side with one eyebrow quirked.

Spencer looked passed the blonde and locked eyes with Emily standing over by the sink. "Am I interrupting something?" Spencer asked as she walked passed Alison and hung her jacket up on the back of one of the kitchen chairs.

"No, we were just talking," Alison said, her eyes wide.

"Hmm," Spencer hummed, her doubt evident on her face. Both women looked like little kids at Christmas who had been caught snooping around for presents.

"Look, Spence, I'm sorry. I should have called and told you that you didn't have to come over this morning. It slipped my mind though," Alison said as she put her ear warmer and running gloves on before grabbing her headphones out of the junk drawer and plugging them into her phone.

"If it's ok, I'm going to stick around," Spencer said as she continued to look at Emily. "Catch up with Emily a little more." Spencer watched Emily take a visible gulp before breaking her gaze and busying herself at the dishwasher, putting away the clean dishes from the day before.

"Yeah, that's, um, that's fine. Just, um, make yourself at home." Alison could feel the tension in the air building with each passing second. She debated for a moment whether or not she should even still run this morning, but then thought that it would probably be best to let Spencer and Emily have some time to talk, just the two of them. "I'll be back in about forty minutes. Will you still be here, Em?"

Emily turned around and faced Alison with her face full of hope. "Wouldn't want to be anywhere else, Ali. Be safe. I'll see you when you get back." Emily sported a smile that reached her eyes. Emily had the urge to walk over and give the blonde a kiss goodbye, but thought better of it when she once again made eye contact with Spencer, seeing that the brunette had _yet_ to take her eyes off of her.

Alison couldn't help but blush. One of the things that made her fall in love with Emily was how sweet and caring she was. She was glad that Emily felt comfortable enough to show that side of her once again, even with Spencer standing only a few feet away from her, looking like a predator ready to pounce its prey. "Be nice," Alison said with a pointed look at Spencer as she headed out the door and walked down the driveway. She stopped several times, looking back at the house and debating, once again, if she should go back inside, before putting her earbuds in and making her way down the street at a jog.

"So, you stayed the night?" Spencer said as she watched Emily put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher.

"Mhmmmm," Emily hummed in response.

"So are you and Ali back together, then?"

Emily stopped what she was doing and turned around to look at Spencer, who had her arms folded across her chest and was leaning up against the kitchen table. The darker brunette couldn't help the smile working its way onto her face. "Yeah, I guess we are."

Spencer scoffed. "Don't you think it's a little soon? I mean, you've been back for what, a week? Aren't there rules against dating?" For a second, her face looked like it contorted in disgust, before adopting her more usual "poker face" of neutrality that made her such a damn good lawyer.

Emily looked at Spencer. She knew that she was being protective of Alison, but she didn't think she would be so harsh about her and Alison getting back together. "Alison is not just some relationship. She's the love of my life. We are a _family_ , and I want to be with them."

"But you were gone for eight months without even a phone call! The only one who knew where you were was Hanna!" Spencer wasn't sure if Emily knew the true extent of how much pain Alison had gone through while she was gone, but she felt the need to tell Emily what she had missed in the lives of the two people she claimed were the loves of her life.

"I needed _help_ , Spencer, and I went and got it." Emily was trying her best to keep her voice calm and low with Jessica still upstairs sleeping, but it was becoming more difficult the more questions Spencer asked. She was glad that Alison had a friend in Spencer, but the brunette was beginning to get on her nerves. "I thought you _wanted_ us to get back together?" Emily narrowed her eyes at Spencer.

Spencer took a breath and then blew it out. "It's not that I don't _want_ you to get back together." She ran her hand through her hair, combing it out with her fingers. "It's just, you weren't _here_ to see how broken Ali was after Jessica's party. You weren't here to hold her as she cried, to help with Jessica, to see her pull herself back up and move forward. You weren't here for all of that." It hurt Emily to hear those things, and she needed to find something to distract herself, so she began gathering things for Alison's lunch. But the words Spencer was saying rang out loud and clear throughout the kitchen. "I don't want her to get hurt again, Em. Her and Jessica deserve better than what they've had the past eight months."

Emily stopped what she was doing and looked at Spencer. She knew that she was right. They _did_ deserve better than what she had given them, but she had promised herself months ago that if Alison gave her another chance, she wouldn't waste it. She would show the blonde and Jessica how much they both meant to her. She knew coming back to Rosewood that she needed to be completely honest with Alison, and she felt like last night had been the start of something new between them. To Emily, it felt _different_ than before. She couldn't quite figure out why, but she thought it was because she had finally been truly open and honest with the blonde. But whatever it was, it felt _incredible_. The connection that they shared as they came undone with one another was nothing like Emily had ever experienced before. And she could tell by the look in Alison's eyes that the blonde had the same reaction. "I know that I hurt them both by leaving, but I wasn't going to get better if I didn't leave to do it. I just wanted to get better, for them."

"Just for them? What about yourself?" Spencer wondered. She didn't know all that much about recovery, but she knew that unless someone changed for themselves, their addiction would only stay at bay for so long.

Emily sighed and put down the pepper that she had prepared to cut up for Alison's lunch. "I wasn't proud of the person I was, Spence. I _hated_ myself for what I put them through." She scoffed and began cutting into the pepper. "I _still_ hate myself for putting them through that." Emily continued to chop up vegetables as Spencer walked over to the coffee machine and poured herself a cup. She fixed it how she liked it and then made her way back to the table and sat down. She heard Emily sniffle and watched as she tried as subtly as she could to wipe a tear from her face, hoping Spencer wouldn't see.

Spencer frowned at seeing the brunette so upset. "You don't need to hate yourself, Em. You hit a rough patch. The biggest thing was that you recognized that you had a problem and you fixed it."

Emily nodded slightly as she continued to cut the pepper. A silence fell between then and the only sound heard in the kitchen was the rhythmic sound of the knife against the bamboo cutting board. "I wanted to call them, every day," Emily said as she sliced the pepper into strips. She opened her mouth like she wanted to say more, but decided against it. She finished cutting the pepper and grabbed the cucumber and began peeling it.

"Why didn't you?" Spencer asked, her tone much more gentle and soft now.

"I wanted to make sure that I was better before I called them. I wanted to be the person that they deserved before I was back in their lives again." She knew now that Alison didn't think that Emily still loved her, and the thought of the blonde questioning that for eight months felt like it could destroy her at any moment. But she had to remember that Alison had given her a second chance. She smiled as she looked around and remembered that she was in the kitchen that she and the blonde had made so many memories in. She thought back to the first night that Alison had invited her to spend the night. She remembered back to when Alison had surprised her on New Year's Eve with dinner and their own personal ball drop. There were so many _good_ memories created in this house, and those are what kept her grounded.

Spencer contemplated the brunette's words as she continued to drink her warm coffee. She hummed in appreciation as the caffeine began to work its magic on her body. "As your sponsor, I think I should ask. Do you think you're strong enough to stay out of the bars if you and Ali have another fight like the other night?"

Emily looked up from the cutting board quickly before continuing to chop vegetables. "I don't think I thanked you for that."

"For what?" Spencer questioned.

Emily looked up at Spencer and a small smile tugged at her lips. "For coming to my rescue that night."

"Isn't that what a sponsor is _supposed_ to do?" Spencer asked.

A small laugh escaped Emily's lips. "Well, yeah. But thank you for being my sponsor, too. And thank you for being here for Ali when I couldn't be. I'll honestly never know why she took me back, but I promise you that I'm never going to hurt her again."

Spencer smiled as she finished the last of her coffee. "I was happy to be there for you when you needed someone. I know you had lost hope that night, and I'm glad you found it again. I just want Ali to be happy, and honestly, I hadn't seen a smile on her face like the one she had before she left this morning since you adopted Jessica." Emily smiled. "I just want to see you guys _both_ happy."

"We are, Spence. And I can promise you, as long as I have Ali by my side, I'll never even _think_ of stepping into another bar. I know what I have, and I know what I stand to lose if I screw up again. I'm not putting them through that again. I made a promise to myself out in California that if Ali took me back, I would show and tell her every day how much she meant to me."

Spencer smiled as she got up from the table and rinsed her mug before putting it into the top rack of the dishwasher. She turned to Emily. "I'm glad that you got the help that you needed. I'm always here for you, no matter what." Spencer took a step forward and hugged the brunette quickly before walking over and putting her jacket back on.

Emily furrowed her brow. "You don't need to leave, Spence."

Spencer smiled at her and pointed to the bag she had brought over with her files. "I know, but I have some paperwork to get through before I head into work. Tell Ali I'll talk to her later."

Emily bid the brunette farewell before turning her attention back to the counter. She took a quick inventory and realized that she had everything together for Alison's lunch, so she turned her attention to making Jessica's breakfast. She wanted to make sure that Alison didn't have to do anything but get ready for work this morning. She smiled as she moved around the kitchen until she heard the babbles of baby talk coming through the monitor sitting on the counter. She smiled widely as her body was overcome with warmth and love at being back to the only place where she felt she ever truly belonged. She had an extra bounce to her step as she headed up to the nursery and changed Jessica's diaper and got her out of her footie pajamas and into normal clothes. Finally, she brushed her soft hair and styled it into two pigtails. _I can't believe I missed out on so many mornings of this_ , Emily thought to herself as she lifted Jessica off of her lap, the little girl all smiles since Emily walked into the room. "Never again," Emily said as she kissed Jessica's cheek before hearing the door open in the kitchen and the blonde announcing she was back from her run. Emily sighed in contentment as she made her was back down to the blonde waiting for her. _Never again,_ she promised.

 **A/N 2: So, not a ton of Emison in this one, but I felt like Emily and Spencer needed to have a talk. Spencer has acted like the protector in this sequel, so I felt like she needed to sit down and have a "talk" with Emily. I also thought it would be amusing to make it super awkward at first, haha. What did you guys think of their talk? Do you like protective Spencer? Also, how did you guys feels about the flashback and the almost role-reversals of the girls? It used to be Emily, Hanna, Spencer and Aria with Alison on the outside. But after the party, they all saw how much Ali and Jessica needed them and Emily kind of moved to the outside. Let me know what you guys thought of the chapter! Like I said, I kind of lost my motivation for writing over the past few weeks, but again, thanks to an amazing friend :), I have a next step I want to take this story. Again, please bear with me as updates will still be a little lagging with my summer schedule, but like I said, my head is in it again, so hopefully I will continue to get you guys out chapters. Sound off in the reviews and I will talk to you all soon! Can't wait to see what you guys thought of this!**


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